Improving Relationships Toolkit

Improving your Relationships

ONE STEP AT A TIME

You can have wonderful, enjoyable relationships with your family, friends, and coworkers. And you can do it a step at a time.

There are easy-to-use principles that will help, and they’ve worked for millions of others. As you improve your relationships, you’ll also find more happiness, peace, and purpose. You don’t have to do it all at once, just get started and enjoy the journey.

First, see the 2 videos and how-to examples in the Introduction below, then in the other 5 lessons. Download the workbook (bottom of the page) to guide that process. When done, check out the podcast and supporting resources in each lesson.

There are 5 STEPS to help you improve your relationships. “S-T-E-P-S” is an acronym, and there are links to each step below …

Introduction - Practical STEPS to Improve Your Relationships and Life

The 5 STEPS guide you to happier and healthier relationships with others.

There are 5 STEPS that serve as guidelines to help you improve your relationships and your life. They help you avoid problems and live in a healthy and integrated manner one day at a time.

Surrender – To get right with other people, start by getting right with God rather than insisting on being in control.
Transformation – To improve your relationships, you need to improve yourself first and fix your communication blind spots.
Empathy – With that foundation in place, you can have deeper conversations and form real relationships with others.
Progress – To keep those relationships healthy, you’ll need to form good habits to help you keep making the right choices.
Service – To keep relationships satisfying, you need to do all this with the right motives and stop obsessing on yourself.

For each of these STEPS, there are “Big Ideas” to consider and “Small Steps” to move forward. Click the arrow to continue …

Surrender
Get right with God.

Big Idea
Life works better when we let go of control.

Small Step
I will memorize and use the Serenity Prayer.

Transformation
Get right with yourself.

Big Idea
Self-awareness is the beginning of transformation.

Small Step
I will work on my communication blind spots.

EMPATHY
Get right with OTHERS.

Big Idea
Relationships require investment and empathy.

Small Step
I will have real conversations with people.

progress
build the right habits.

Big Idea
We can improve our lives one small step at a time.

Small Step
I will make good relationship choices.

service
have the right motives.

Big Idea
Life is better when we don’t obsess on ourselves.

Small Step
I will be intentional about building community.

You can use these 5 STEPS in different situations to live effectively and prevent problems in your life, and they are great for helping you improve your relationships. This introduction is meant to get you started, and this journey will be one you will enjoy while you bring happiness into the lives of others as well.

Prefer to listen? Stream this entire end-to-end lesson that was summarized in the products above

Now go to the next lesson below. When you're done, come back and CLICK THE ARROW TO THE LEFT to see supporting articles:

Article for this Introduction chapter (same content as podcast) – Improving Your Relationships by Improving Yourself

Three-part series on finding community and building deeper relationships:

After seeing the short videos and article above, answer the questions below:

From 1 (low) to 10 (high), how would you rate the quality of your relationships with others right now?
What are one or two traits you see in yourself that might be hurting your relationships?
What is one thing you can do this week to be more intentional in improving a specific relationship?
What does it mean to you to improve your relationships “one step at a time”?
Why do you think it’s important to focus on improving yourself in order to improve your relationships?
Which of the five reasons listed in the article do you most relate to in your current season of life?
What do you think it looks like to form good habits that help your relationships thrive?
How do the greatest commandments in Mark 12:29-31 apply to your relationships today?
What stands out to you from the way relationships are described in recovery versus other places?
Of the 5 STEPS, what is one you’d like to practice this week to improve a relationship?

Surrender - Letting Go of Control to Improve Your Relationships

The step of Surrender helps you let go of worries and enjoy people more.

The first of the 5 STEPS life improvement principles is called Surrender. Here there are “Small Steps” we can take to improve our relationships which begin with a simple decision: “I will memorize and use the Serenity Prayer.”

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. – Reinhold Niebuhr

We have 10 examples of things you can do to use the Serenity Prayer to let go of control and improve your relationships. Pick those most helpful to you. Click the arrow to continue …

1. Memorize the Serenity Prayer.

This gives you a tool you can use as needed when you deal with people and relationship situations

Serenity to accept

A weight is lifted off our shoulders when we let go of the things outside our control. We become better positioned to enjoy and improve our relationships in a calm and accepting manner.

2. Let go of people.

In your next conversation (and others that follow), consciously declare: “It’s not my job to control this person.”

3. Let go of circumstances.

When talking with someone, set aside busyness and worry and choose peace during the conversation.

4. Let go of outcomes.

During at least much of each conversation, relax and set aside any agenda you may have for the outcome.

Courage to change

God also wants us to take steps in our relationships. Sometimes those steps may be uncomfortable such as reaching out to someone when we don’t feel like it, getting involved when it’s the right thing to do, or setting boundaries when they are needed

5. Reach out to others.

Pick a few people you want to know more and muster the courage to ask them if they want to get together.

6. Choose to go there.

Even if it feels a bit uncomfortable, ask people about their feelings and be willing to talk about their problems.

7. Consider boundaries.

Improving relationships includes lessening negative behavior, so gently let people know when they hurt you

Wisdom to know

Either serenity or courage may be the right choice in different situations, and it can be hard to know what to do. That’s why we need God’s wisdom and strength to help us make the right choices and follow through on those decisions

8. Ask god for serenity.

When you feel that you’re in a situation you should accept gracefully, ask God for patience and peace.

9. Ask god for courage.

When you suspect you should take action but it feels uncomfortable, ask God for strength and assistance.

10. Ask god for wisdom.

When you have no idea what to do, ask God for guidance and don’t do anything until it becomes clearer.

The step of Surrender helps us improve our relationships by getting right with God. We can do that by letting go of control and using the Serenity Prayer to help us make good choices. Then we can rest easy at night because that’s the best we can do—for ourselves and others.

Prefer to listen? Stream this entire end-to-end lesson that was summarized in the products above

Go to the next lesson below. When you're done, come back and CLICK THE ARROW TO THE LEFT to see supporting articles:

Article for this chapter on Surrender (same content as podcast) – Letting Go of Control to Improve Your Relationships

Additional articles to learn more about Surrender and dealing with control:

After seeing the short videos and article about this step, answer the questions below:

WHAT concepts are relevant for you and your life situation?
WHY is it important for you to improve your relationships?
HOW should you act on the 10 examples of small steps?
WHEN will you take the first step and what will it be?
From 1 (low) to 10 (high), how much do you struggle with control in your relationships?
Which part of the Serenity Prayer is most needed in your life right now—serenity, courage, or wisdom?
What is one situation where you need to let go of control and accept things as they are?
Who is one person you need to stop trying to “fix” or manage, and instead love as they are?
What is one act of courage you could take this week to strengthen a relationship?
How can asking God for wisdom help you respond better in your current relationships?

Transformation - Taking Small Steps
to Improve Communication

How Being Self-Aware Will Improve Your Communication.

The second of the 5 STEPS is called Transformation. To improve our relationships, we need to improve ourselves, especially in our communication. The good news is there are “Small Steps” we can take each day that will help us do just that.

We can start by declaring: “I will work on my communication blind spots.” We all have issues in how we communicate. The questions are: “Do we know what they are?” and “Will we do anything to improve?” We offer 10 examples to choose from to improve your communication. Click the arrow to continue …

1. Seek to control your tongue.

Ask yourself, “Will what I’m about to say build up this person?” If the answer is no, probably stop.

2. Always use the Golden Rule.

Consistently speak and listen to others the way you would like them to speak and listen to you.

3. Make encouraging comments.

Be on the lookout for things others do that you can agree with or sincerely compliment them on.

4. Avoid saying too much or little.

Ensure the other person has the space to share and expand on your own thoughts and feelings.

5. Watch tones and expressions.

This is a big blind spot for many people, so ask others how they perceive you in your interactions.

6. Pause to pay close attention.

The first thing to do when someone talks to you is immediately stop anything else you’re doing.

7. Listen, and then listen more.

It’s easy to listen for a bit and lapse back into over-talking, so fight the urge and keep on listening.

8. Stop jumping into your stories.

When someone is talking, seek to help them continue rather than hijacking the conversation.

9. Give the other person grace.

Ignore small things you don’t agree with or that bother you in order to have a positive interaction.

10. Avoid any over-reacting.

Many things we assume aren’t really true and most small things can easily be ignored, so just let them go.

A transformation is a dramatic conversion, and it is life-changing when improvement like that happens with our relationships. The good news is we can all make such a change by getting right with ourselves so we can get right with others. We can transform our relationships by becoming self-aware and working on our communication blind spots.

Prefer to listen? Stream this entire end-to-end lesson that was summarized in the products above

Go to the next lesson below. When you're done, come back and CLICK THE ARROW TO THE LEFT to see supporting articles:

Article for this chapter on Transformation (same content as podcast) – How Being Self-Aware Will Improve Your Communication

Additional articles to learn more about Transformation and communication:

After seeing the short videos and article about this step, answer the questions below:

WHAT concepts are relevant for you and your life situation?
WHY is it important for you to improve your relationships?
HOW should you act on the 10 examples of small steps?
WHEN will you take the first step and what will it be?
From 1 (low) to 10 (high), how self-aware are you in how you communicate with others?
What are some common communication blind spots that you might need to work on?
How do you think others perceive your tone, expressions, and listening habits?
What is one way you could be more encouraging in how you talk with others this week?
Who is someone you could listen to more closely without interrupting or taking over?
What is one communication habit you will commit to improving over the next 30 days?

empathy - Investing in Real Conversations to Increase Connection

The step of Empathy equips you to connect with others more effectively.

The third of the 5 STEPS is named Empathy which is about working on how we interact with people. We learn how we can improve our relationships by taking “Small Steps” that begin with the decision: “I will have real conversations with people.”

We are often busy and distracted which makes it harder to engage deeply with other people. But you can do that with family and friends by having conversations that are deeper and more real. Pick the most relevant of the following 10 examples to take the next right steps. Click the arrow to continue …

Tune in.

Make a commitment to be totally present in the moment and focus on the other person

1. Eliminate distractions.

Pull out your cell phone and turn it off without looking to see if you have any texts or messages

2. Maintain your focus.

Don’t look around and ignore any other people or activity that may be going on around you.

Listen well.

Look them in the eye, think about what they say, and seek to truly understand them.

3. Ensure you can hear.

When it’s hard to hear or just to be more engaged, get closer to the other person or move the conversation.

4. Seek to understand.

Listen deeply and try to understand what is really going on that is lying beneath the words they actually say.

Ask questions.

When they pause, ask questions showing you heard them and want to know more.

5. Ask open-ended questions.

Rather than questions that require only a yes or no, ask them to explain more about the topic.

6. Ask validating questions.

When you aren’t sure exactly what they mean or want to confirm a key point, ask them about it.

Engage deeper.

To go deeper, ask questions like: “What do you think about that? How does that make you feel? What desires does that create in you? What do you think you should do?”

7. Start slowly at first.

Some people may not be used to being vulnerable, so start with easier questions and slowly go deeper.

8. Make it into a habit.

Stay committed to engaging deeply and sincerely, and people will come to enjoy those conversations.

Be encouraging.

Smile and nod as you listen. Don’t criticize or try to fix their problems. Tell them you understand and help them feel heard and safe. If it’s true, say, “I’ve been there too, and I know how you feel.”

9. Become consistent.

Strive to be someone that people enjoy being around by being optimistic and honestly encouraging.

10. Remain sincere.

Don’t flatter people for everything but look for those instances when you truly appreciate what they are doing.

Those actions are simple and doable yet powerful and life-enhancing. In every interaction, you can be kind, help another person, and find enjoyment as well. Empathy helps you improve your relationships by getting right with others, and a good start is investing in people by having real conversations.

Prefer to listen? Stream this entire end-to-end lesson that was summarized in the products above

Go to the next lesson below. When you're done, come back and CLICK THE ARROW TO THE LEFT to see supporting articles:

Article for this chapter on Empathy (same content as podcast) – Investing in Real Conversations to Increase Connection

Additional articles to learn more about Empathy and good conversations:

After seeing the short videos and article about this step, answer the questions below:

WHAT concepts are relevant for you and your life situation?
WHY is it important for you to improve your relationships?
HOW should you act on the 10 examples of small steps?
WHEN will you take the first step and what will it be?
From 1 (low) to 10 (high), how well do you listen and engage in real conversations with others?
What are 1 or 2 distractions you need to remove in order to have deeper conversations?
Who are a few people in your life with whom you should have more meaningful conversations?
What types of questions could help you go deeper in a conversation and show empathy?
How would it help you—and your relationships—if you became a better listener?
What is one real conversation you will commit to having this week, and with whom?

Progress - Building Good Relationship Habits One Step at a Time

The step of Progress frees you from perfection as you improve your life.

The fourth of the 5 STEPS is Progress which happens when we commit: “I will take small steps to make good relationship choices.” Improving your life is a process, so focus on progress rather than perfection and enjoy the journey. As you go along, remember you are building good habits one decision at a time.

We show 10 examples of “Small Steps” you can take to make good relationship choices. Doing just one of them can make a huge difference in your life, so pick your favorite and get started. You will enjoy seeing your progress and how you are building positive relationships habits. Click the arrow to continue …

1. Choose to be pleasant.

Consciously or unconsciously, you choose your mindset each day. If you adopt a negative perspective, you will not relate to others as well. If you choose a positive mindset, the opposite will happen. Try it and you may be amazed by the results.

2. Smile and say hello.

This choice is so simple and easy you can do it dozens of times a day. Each person you encounter, look them in the eye, smile, and say hello. Even if you “fake it till you make it” for a while, it will improve both your mood and your relationships.

3. Give out invitations.

Reach out to people every week. Ask them to lunch or coffee, call to catch up, or text to say hello. Don’t be the one that waits for others to contact you

4. Accept most invitations.

As much as possible say “yes” to any type of invitation from someone to connect such as: “Got a minute? Can you talk? Want to get together sometime?”

5. Manage your thoughts.

Discourage negative thoughts and encourage positive ones. Replace ideas about yourself such as “I’m stupid or hopeless” with affirmations like “I’m who I’m supposed to be, and I am special.” Change thoughts on others such as “Nobody likes me” to positive beliefs like “If I’m pleasant to them, it will improve their day.”

6. Focus on your choices.

We often make choices emotionally, impulsively, or compulsively. Instead, for each choice, do these 3 things: Pause versus reacting automatically; Evaluate how you feel and what you should do; and Choose to make the best decision for the long run.

7. Get big choices right.

Always make choices that involve positive traits such as kindness, empathy, and forgiveness to improve your well-being and your relationships.

8. Avoid bad choices.

We all have feelings and emotions, but it’s your choice what you do with them. Here are things NOT to do: assume how others feel, over-react to small things, dwell on being hurt, hold onto resentments, feed your anger, or refuse to forgive

9. Take inventory.

Each evening, consider how you handled your relationship choices that day. For things you didn’t do well, commit to do better and give yourself grace. For things you did well, feel content about those choices and happy that you can impact others positively

10. Build good habits.

Remember, “You are what you repeatedly do.” Day by day, keep taking the next right steps one at a time to build good relationship habits.

This step of Progress helps you improve your relationships and your life by building the right habits. The way to do that is to keep taking one small step at a time by making good relationship choices. If you do, you will look back on your life with joy rather than regret, and you’ll sleep better at night.

Prefer to listen? Stream this entire end-to-end lesson that was summarized in the products above

Go to the next lesson below. When you're done, come back and CLICK THE ARROW TO THE LEFT to see supporting articles:

Article for this chapter on Progress (same content as podcast) – Building Good Relationship Habits One Step at a Time

Additional articles to learn more about Progress and relationship habits:

After seeing the short videos and article about this step, answer the questions below:

WHAT concepts are relevant for you and your life situation?
WHY is it important for you to improve your relationships?
HOW should you act on the 10 examples of small steps?
WHEN will you take the first step and what will it be?
From 1 (Low) to 10 (High), how intentional are you about the relationship habits you’re forming?
What is one small step you’ve already taken that had a positive impact on a relationship?
What are a few negative habits you want to replace with better relationship habits?
How could “Pause, Evaluate, Choose” help you make more thoughtful relationship decisions?
What good habit do you want to build that would most strengthen your relationships over time?
How will you remind yourself each day to take small steps toward better relationships?

Service - Relationships Happen When You Focus on Others

The step of Service brings more purpose and significance into your life.

The last of the 5 STEPS is Service. Once we have the right motives and stop obsessing on ourselves, we’re on the way to improving our relationships. This step helps us move toward connection by taking “Small Steps” that start with the commitment: “I will be intentional about building community.”

Life can be an exciting and enjoyable journey if we choose it to be, and we can take steps in the right direction that move us toward a deeper and more satisfying way of living. We have 10 examples of things you can do that build community, even when they involve sacrifice. Pick one and get started. Click the arrow to continue …

1. Acquaintances: Just get started.

Look for people around you to connect with (even if you’re busy or distracted.)

2. Acquaintances: Seek to spread joy.

Share kindness with those you encounter (even if you don’t really feel like it.)

3. Connection: Create opportunities.

Invite other people to lunch (even if just to be nice and make them feel good.)

4. Connection: Become more involved.

Join a group that serves others (even if you aren’t sure you’ll be comfortable.)

5. Relationship: Encourage them to talk.

In conversation, just keep listening (even if you really want to talk about you.)

6. Relationship: Sacrifice convenience.

Be the person who volunteers to help out (even if it doesn’t fit your schedule.)

7. Belonging: Make some investments.

Commit to some relationships and groups (even if unsure how it helps you.)

8. Belonging: Practice going deeper.

Take the risk to be transparent with others (even if it’s scary to be vulnerable.)

9. Love (agape): Engage in ministry.

Sacrifice your time and energy to those in need (even if you don’t know them.)

10. Love (agape): Show selfless love.

Pick a few people to love unconditionally (even if they upset or disappoint you.)

This step of Service will help you improve your relationships by having the right motives, because life change begins in the heart. It will take sacrifices at times to let go of your obsession with self and be intentional about building community. But when you do, your life will change for the better.

Prefer to listen? Stream this entire end-to-end lesson that was summarized in the products above

See the useful summary resources below. Then come back and CLICK THE ARROW TO THE LEFT to see supporting articles:

Article for this chapter on Service (same content as podcast) – Relationships Happen When We Focus on Others

Additional articles to learn more about Service and building community:

Reminder of a three-part series on community shown in the Introduction:

– We All Yearn For Community

After seeing the short videos and article about this step, answer the questions below:

WHAT concepts are relevant for you and your life situation?
WHY is it important for you to improve your relationships?
HOW should you act on the 10 examples of small steps?
WHEN will you take the first step and what will it be?
From 1 (Low) to 10 (High), how self-focused are you in your daily interactions?
What are some ways you can be more intentional about building community?
Which of the five stages (Acquaintance, Connection, Relationship, Belonging, Love) are you currently strongest in?
What is one specific act of service you will commit to doing for someone this week?
How would shifting from self-focus to community-focus improve your emotional well-being?
What long-term benefit do you hope to experience by living with more selfless motives in your relationships?

To see how the STEPS fit together to improve your relationships and your life

check out these summary resources

Improve Your Relationships
with Big Ideas & Small Steps

Download the workbook below to help guide you through each phase of the process of improving your relationships.

Improving your Relationships

Introduction - Practical STEPS to Improve Your Relationships and Life

The 5 STEPS guide you to happier and healthier relationships with others.

SurrenderGet right with God.

TransformationGet right with yourself.

EMPATHYGet right with OTHERS.

progressbuild the right habits.

servicehave the right motives.

Surrender - Letting Go of Control to Improve Your Relationships

The step of Surrender helps you let go of worries and enjoy people more.

1. Memorize the Serenity Prayer.

Serenity to accept

2. Let go of people.

3. Let go of circumstances.

4. Let go of outcomes.

Courage to change

5. Reach out to others.

6. Choose to go there.

7. Consider boundaries.

Wisdom to know

8. Ask god for serenity.

9. Ask god for courage.

10. Ask god for wisdom.

Transformation - Taking Small Steps to Improve Communication

How Being Self-Aware Will Improve Your Communication.

1. Seek to control your tongue.

2. Always use the Golden Rule.

3. Make encouraging comments.

4. Avoid saying too much or little.

5. Watch tones and expressions.

6. Pause to pay close attention.

7. Listen, and then listen more.

8. Stop jumping into your stories.

9. Give the other person grace.

10. Avoid any over-reacting.

empathy - Investing in Real Conversations to Increase Connection

The step of Empathy equips you to connect with others more effectively.

Tune in.

1. Eliminate distractions.

2. Maintain your focus.

Listen well.

3. Ensure you can hear.

4. Seek to understand.

Ask questions.

5. Ask open-ended questions.

6. Ask validating questions.

Engage deeper.

7. Start slowly at first.

8. Make it into a habit.

Be encouraging.

9. Become consistent.

10. Remain sincere.

Progress - Building Good Relationship Habits One Step at a Time

The step of Progress frees you from perfection as you improve your life.

1. Choose to be pleasant.

2. Smile and say hello.

3. Give out invitations.

4. Accept most invitations.

5. Manage your thoughts.

6. Focus on your choices.

7. Get big choices right.

8. Avoid bad choices.

9. Take inventory.

10. Build good habits.

Service - Relationships Happen When You Focus on Others

The step of Service brings more purpose and significance into your life.

1. Acquaintances: Just get started.

2. Acquaintances: Seek to spread joy.

3. Connection: Create opportunities.

4. Connection: Become more involved.

5. Relationship: Encourage them to talk.

6. Relationship: Sacrifice convenience.

7. Belonging: Make some investments.

8. Belonging: Practice going deeper.

9. Love (agape): Engage in ministry.

10. Love (agape): Show selfless love.

check out these summary resources

Improve Your Relationshipswith Big Ideas & Small Steps

Surrender
Get right with God.

Transformation
Get right with yourself.

EMPATHY
Get right with OTHERS.

progress
build the right habits.

service
have the right motives.

Transformation - Taking Small Steps
to Improve Communication

Improve Your Relationships
with Big Ideas & Small Steps