Imagine you’re a football player at the University of Alabama—before Coach Saban retired.
What would you be asked to do? It would include focusing on what you can control. Breaking your role down to the critical fundamentals necessary for success. And then working on those areas every day until you become the best player you can be.
As perhaps the greatest college football coach in history, Nick Saban knows what it takes to be successful. If he were your coach, he would instruct you to follow those steps he called “The Process” to improve both yourself and your ability to contribute to the team.
What most people don’t know is that elements of “The Process” are found in psychology, recovery, the Bible, and personal development. And that we can all use those techniques to live life better. Including to improve our relationships by improving ourselves first.
“IT’S THE JOURNEY THAT’S IMPORTANT. YOU CAN’T WORRY ABOUT END RESULTS. IT’S ABOUT WHAT YOU CONTROL. IT’S A PROCESS.” (NICK SABAN)
How Self-Awareness Affects Our Relationships
When my wife and I got married, we weren’t aware we brought some communication issues with us. We didn’t realize how our personal habits would affect our relationship, and we both had blind spots in how we interacted. Unfortunately, they wound up creating a lot of pain.
I brought my addictions to control and perfectionism with me, and I could be impatient and critical without being aware of it. My wife was raised in a home where negative issues weren’t talked about, and problems were kept hidden deep inside rather than being discussed.
Which meant I was continually saying things that hurt the woman I loved, and she was feeling that pain but not telling me about it. You would think something like that would have been discovered early in our marriage. Instead, this situation went on for over a decade.
It is one of the things I feel most guilty and sorrowful about in my life, but I wasn’t even aware of it at the time.
As is normally the case, the Bible has some helpful wisdom for us to consider …
“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)
Notice this Scripture is not only about self-awareness but also about making changes—with God’s help—to improve our behavior.
But too often, we are not even aware of our issues because we are not examining our ways. Or if we have a bad habit, we rationalize or minimize it to feel less guilty. And with some harmful behaviors, we simply choose to ignore them, which is called denial.
We all have areas in our lives we can improve. If we know what those issues are and we’re willing to change, this can lead to transformation.
Understanding the Big Idea About Self-Awareness
Socrates was one of the most famous philosophers in history. Philosophy involves the pursuit of wisdom and truth, and Socrates pursued wisdom by asking people questions to probe their understanding, a process that became known as the Socratic method.
In 399 BC, he was put on trial for failing to acknowledge the gods revered by the city of Athens. He was found guilty and given the choice of being fined and stopping his behavior or execution. He chose death from a poisonous beverage called hemlock, leaving this quote behind:
“The unexamined life is not worth living.” (Socrates)
Which leads us to the “Big Idea” related to life improvement: “Self-awareness is the beginning of transformation.”
How can transformation help our relationships? When we use the pursuit of self-awareness to learn to interact with people more effectively. And when we learn the life-changing and ironic reality that to improve our relationships, we need to improve ourselves first.
This is especially important in how we communicate, but there’s a problem: We all have blind spots in how we interact with each other.
When we speak, we may not appreciate the damage—or benefits—our words can lead to. When we listen, we misinterpret motives and fixate on the idea, “It’s all about me.” In either case, our lack of awareness leads to problems both for us and the other people involved.
Taking Small Steps to Improve Our Communication
To improve our relationships, we need to improve ourselves, especially in our communication. The good news is there are “Small Steps” we can take every day that will help us do just that. A good place to start is by declaring: “I will work on my communication blind spots.”
This is important because we all have issues in how we communicate. The questions are: “Do we know what they are?” and “Will we do anything to improve?” To help, below are 10 examples of things to consider to help you improve your communication with others.
How can you overcome your blind spots in how you speak to others? By assessing how you do in areas like those below:
- Seek to control your tongue – Ask yourself, “Will what I’m about to say build up this person?” If the answer is no, probably stop.
- Always use the Golden Rule – Consistently speak and listen to others the way you would like them to speak and listen to you.
- Make encouraging comments – Be on the lookout for things they do that you can agree with or sincerely compliment them on.
- Avoid saying too much or little – Ensure the other person has the space to share and expand on your own thoughts and feelings.
- Watch tones and expressions – This is a big blind spot for many people, so ask others how they perceive you in your interactions.
How do you fix your blind spots when you’re listening to other people? By figuring out if you consistently do things such as:
- Pause to pay close attention – The first thing to do when someone talks to you is immediately stop anything else you’re doing.
- Listen, and then listen more – It’s easy to listen for a bit and lapse back into over-talking, so fight the urge and keep on listening.
- Stop jumping into your stories – When someone is talking, seek to help them continue rather than hijacking the conversation.
- Give the other person grace – Ignore small things you don’t agree with or that bother you in order to have a positive interaction.
- Avoid any over-reacting – Many things we assume aren’t true and most small things can easily be ignored, so just let them go.
A transformation is a dramatic conversion, and it is life-changing when improvement like that happens with our relationships. The good news is we can all make such a change by getting right with ourselves so we can also get right with others.
We can transform our relationships by becoming more self-aware and working on our communication blind spots.
Next Right Steps: Read Part 4 of this series which is about “Investing in Real Conversations to Increase Connection.”
