Sometimes the best thing we can do—for ourselves and other people—is let go.
When my older son was a teenager, our relationship became strained at times. He was making bad decisions that could have led to serious consequences. I was trying to control the situation—and him—to keep that from happening. After one argument, he found a picture of the two of us from when he was a kid and used scissors to cut the image in half. Then he left the pieces for me to find to make a point.
It broke my heart, and I kept the two halves of that picture for years as a testament to the importance of our relationship. The torn picture also served as an ongoing reminder that I needed to be very wary of my infatuation with being in control.
“Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living.” (Rachel Marie Martin)
Learning About Control and Surrender
This article is on the first of five steps this series will cover on improving our relationships. This step is called “Surrender,” and it helps us get right with God so we can then get right with other people. Getting right with God involves dealing with the concept of control, which is what surrender helps us do. The problem is most of us don’t like the idea of surrender. Why not? Because we love being in control.
How we handle the concept of control has a lot to do with our views about God. The question comes down to: “Will we surrender our will to his will or not?” If we don’t figure that one out first, it creates all kinds of problems later, including with our relationships.
It’s been a struggle for me learning how to deal with control. Because, unfortunately, it’s something I’m addicted to.
One night my son wasn’t home on time and didn’t answer his cell phone. At 2:00 AM, we still didn’t know where he was but we suspected it wasn’t anywhere good. I was frustrated and anxious, wondering what was going on and what I should do. But a thought—message—came to me: “Steve, you can’t control your son; that’s not your job.” It calmed me, and it helped me handle the situation better than I would have.
As we work on improving our relationships, we can learn some things from experience, but we need the wisdom of the Bible as well …
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1)
This verse reminds us we are never able to see the big picture of what’s going on in our lives. The past is hazy, the present confusing, and the future uncertain. But in the midst of it all, we still have choices to make. The biggest is when we choose faith, and that is the one choice that changes everything. What we lose sight of is that choosing faith includes a commitment to letting go of the addiction—idol—of control.
But when we do let go, it’s a breakthrough, and we find more peace and joy in our lives. It brings us closer to God and closer to other people because we aren’t making their lives miserable anymore trying to get them to do what we want all the time.
Life Works Better When We Let Go
The “Big Idea” of this article about improving our relationships is: “Life works better when we let go of control.” To help us better understand how to do that, there are some things we need to remember:
We do not control other people – We are not responsible for the choices or the happiness of others. It’s not our job to fix their problems or shield them from consequences. The converse is true as well that other people do not control us. They don’t make us happy or sad; instead, we choose to be those things. Yes, other people’s actions affect us, but blaming them for how we feel is an excuse. It’s better to let go.
We do not control circumstances or outcomes – We are asked to play an active role in our lives and make wise choices, some of which affect the people around us. But we can’t totally control situations or their outcomes. Therefore, rather than obsessing on past hurts, we can accept people where they are. Instead of worrying about what might happen in the future, we can focus on relationships in the present.
We do control our choices on relationships – Each day, we can make choices that lead us toward togetherness and community:
- We develop connection as we make an investment in others.
- We build relationship when we express empathy with people.
- We find belonging as we let go and show more vulnerability.
- We experience love when we perform selfless acts of service.
The bottom line is we can more readily improve our relationships when we relax and focus only on what we control.
Steps to Improve Our Relationships
With that understanding, a “Small Step” we can take to improve our relationships is to declare: “I will memorize and use the Serenity Prayer.”
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” (Reinhold Niebuhr)
Below are 10 examples of things you can do to help you let go of control and take the next right steps in your relationships:
- Memorize the Serenity Prayer – Then choose to bring it to mind as needed when you deal with people and relationship situations.
Serenity to accept – A tremendous weight is lifted off our shoulders when we let go of the things that are outside our control. We also become better positioned to enjoy and improve our relationships with a calm and accepting manner.
- Let go of people – In your next conversation (and others that follow), consciously declare: “It’s not my job to control this person.”
- Let go of circumstances – When talking with someone, set aside busyness and worry and choose peace during the conversation.
- Let go of outcomes – During at least much of each conversation, relax and set aside any agenda you may have for the outcome.
Courage to change – God also wants us to take steps in our relationships. Sometimes those steps may be uncomfortable such as reaching out to someone when we don’t feel like it, getting involved when it’s the right thing to do, or setting boundaries when they are needed.
- Reach out to others – Pick a few people you want to know more and muster the courage to ask them if they want to get together.
- Choose to go there – Even if it feels a bit uncomfortable, ask people about their feelings and be willing to talk about their problems.
- Consider boundaries – Improving relationships includes lessening negative behavior, so gently let people know when they hurt you.
Wisdom to know – Either serenity or courage may be the right choice in different situations, and it can be hard to know what to do. That’s why we need God’s wisdom and strength to help us make the right choices and follow through on those decisions.
- Ask God for serenity – When you’re pretty sure you’re in a situation you should accept gracefully, ask God for patience and peace.
- Ask God for courage – When you suspect you should take action but it feels uncomfortable, ask God for strength and assistance.
- Ask God for wisdom – When you have no idea what to do, ask God for guidance and don’t do anything until it seems more clear.
The step of Surrender helps us improve our relationships by getting right with God. We can do that by letting go of control and using the Serenity Prayer to help us make good choices. Then we can rest easy at night, because that’s the best we can do—for ourselves and others.
Next Right Steps: Read Part 3 in this series that is titled “How Being Self-Aware Will Improve Your Communication.”
