Parenting is hard. When our kids become teenagers, it gets even harder. When they keep moving in a dangerous direction and repeatedly refuse to honor healthy boundaries or act in a safe and responsible manner, it can be downright frightening.
This article is about a situation I hope you never face. But you might, no matter how good a parent you are or what neighborhood you live in, and it may be the most heart-wrenching decision you ever make. Or you may face a related situation where these principles can help you think it through more clearly as your kid’s behavior becomes more harmful and dangerous.
The question is: “When do you give your kids an ultimatum to change their behavior, go into recovery, or leave the home?”
Giving our kids an ultimatum is one of the hardest challenges parents face in raising their kids. By this point, hopefully the parents have used all the resources in the PACES for Parents online learning center which provides simple, effective techniques parents can utilize to help their teenagers thrive and protect them from the dangers of substance abuse.
Because we want parents to take steps so they never have to say, “We should have done something sooner, but we waited too late.”
If parents find themselves facing the difficult decision of giving their kids an ultimatum to make a drastic change, get professional help, or leave the home because of substance abuse or other issues, it may seem like a no-win situation with problems and risks on both sides. But the good news is there are steps parents can take to navigate such a crisis.
At this point, parents and caregivers should step back and assess the steps they are taking. They can review all five of the areas of “PACES for Parents” which are Preparation, Awareness, Connection, Education, and Steps and pull together the plans from those areas into one overall “Proactive Parenting Plan.” Then, think and pray about the next steps they will take to deal with the crisis facing their family.
What is a crisis? There are several definitions of the word, and all of them are applicable to this dilemma about giving someone we love an ultimatum. Because a crisis is simultaneously:
- A time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger.
- A time when a difficult or important decision must be made.
- The turning point of a disease (substance abuse is a medical disease) when an important change takes place that could lead either to recovery or death.
A crisis can happen in any family. Because no matter how good a job parents do, sometimes bad things happen anyway.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” (Albert Einstein)
Five Biblical Responsibilities for Parents
Giving our kids an ultimatum with drastic consequences is a hard decision, and there is risk involved: Risk of our kids feeling useless if they think we don’t love them. Or hopeless with no chance for a positive future. Risk of them choosing to use drugs to ease their pain. If it comes down to asking them to leave, there can be legal issues as well as moral ones if our kids are less than 18.
But there may also be risks of doing nothing.
Risks that our kids continue down the path of insanity until it harms or kills them or someone else. Or they make it through the teenage years alive but go on to a life marked by addiction or the inability to live in a responsible fashion. Or they harm—physically or emotionally—other people, including members of the family.
Parenting is hard, and parents need all the help they can get, especially when making tough decisions like giving our kids an ultimatum. Here are five principles from the Bible that offer some guidance:
- Love your kids unconditionally, be there for them, and forgive them when they do wrong.
“This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17)
- Do not exasperate or belittle them but encourage them and give them hope for a positive future.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
- Provide for them and offer them resources they need to grow up in a safe and healthy manner.
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith …” (1 Timothy 5:8)
- Teach them right from wrong and train them how to live in a satisfying and productive manner.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
- Provide clear and fair boundaries and consistently enforce discipline out of your love for them.
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Proverbs 23:13)
Giving Our Kids an Ultimatum to Get Help or Leave
I spent time with a family who faced this situation, and I saw how hard it can be on everyone in the family. In this case, the parents had taken a thoughtful and prayerful approach, and they still felt that asking their son to leave was probably the right thing to do.
They realized they couldn’t control their son or the outcome of the situation, and they prayerfully sought the serenity of letting go of that compulsion. But they also stepped up to muster the courage to make a tough decision even when it was hard.
Giving our kids an ultimatum is a last resort when we have tried many other things, but they haven’t worked. It’s a decision that needs to be handled calmly, and our kids need to know we love them and want what is best for them, whatever we decide to do.
Here are ten questions you can ask to help you go through a thoughtful process to make that decision:
1. Do you realize it is likely their choices that created the situation, you didn’t cause it, and it’s not your fault?
Sometimes, good kids from good families with good parents do bad things. Parents don’t need to carry unfounded guilt when that happens, and they shouldn’t let fear of such guilt keep them from making the right decisions.
2. Are you living in insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?
When teenagers are acting out, especially when substance abuse is involved, it may seem like insanity in the family. Parents may feel there is nothing they can do to make things better. But if what they have been doing is not working, it may be a sign that a different approach is called for which ideally still allows them to make a choice that can lead them toward acceptable behavior.
3. The ways things are now, are you enabling them by protecting them from natural consequences of their bad choices?
If we shelter our kids from consequences of bad decisions they make, we can cripple their future by not allowing them to grow up in a healthy manner. This maturity is a trait they will use their entire lives, and it needs to be learned during the teenager years.
4. Are you thinking about what is best for them in the long term rather than only getting by in the short term?
When kids are acting out, it’s easy for parents to procrastinate making tough decisions a week, and a month, and a year at a time. But teenagers’ brains are not fully developed, and they don’t consider long-term consequences fully, so parents need to.
5. Are they at risk (e.g. impaired driving, overdose, or suicide) and might doing nothing be the most dangerous option?
Parents often fear making big decisions about their struggling teenagers, and this is understandable. But they need to consider the very real danger of the current behavior continuing or escalating, and sometimes doing nothing is the riskiest choice of all.
6. Is the situation negatively and unfairly affecting other members of the family?
The siblings of a teenager making bad choices can suffer in the process. It is also a valid consideration for parents to consider their own well-being. Parents are called to sacrifice for their kids, but they should take care of themselves at the same time.
7. If you give them an ultimatum, are there reasonable options they could accept that could lead them to safety?
Prior to leading up to a forced choice to change or go into a recovery program, we should give our kids options to improve their behavior, respect boundaries, engage in healthy “precovery” activities, and get help. If they wind up choosing to leave instead, they need to know they can come back by demonstrating the right behavior and agreeing to take positive steps to get better.
8. Have you thought about this decision over a good period of time, including when your emotions are not in control?
Big decisions should be made thoughtfully and carefully, not in the heat of the moment when we are buffeted by emotions such as anger, frustration, or fear. They should be arrived at more calmly after thoughtful boundaries have been set and ignored.
9. Have you talked to other people, including some with experience in this area, about what you should do?
Hopefully, parents get started early talking to other people to get an outside perspective on the situation. As things worsen, they need to reach out to more people, including experts, and get balanced input from a number of sources.
10. Have you asked God for guidance and surrendered the situation and the outcome to him?
Sometimes, God does his best work in what seem to be our toughest situations. All the time, he is there to help provide guidance if we turn to him and surrender the outcome to him. These difficult decisions are when we need to turn to him the most.
Which we all need to do, because parenting is hard, and parents need all the help they can get.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” (The Serenity Prayer)
Question: Which of the ten questions above will you utilize to take positive steps?
Action: If you have pre-teens or teenagers, use the resources in Paces for Parents.
