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Whether I’ve spoken at a church, civic club, or business gathering, it often starts the same way: “Steve, can we talk for a minute?” These conversations normally happen after most other people have left, and often off to the side. But they are very important.
Sometimes for the very first time, a person will take a courageous step toward wellness by sharing, “My husband (or wife) has been drinking (or using) too much, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
If your spouse is struggling, it can be very tough, but it happens to millions of people. Including some you know. If it happens to you, you will want to do anything you can for the person you love.
There are steps you can take to help them, and we’ll discuss them in Part 2 of this two-part article. But there are some other things you should focus on first. To best take care of your spouse, paradoxically, you need to take care of yourself first.
Understanding What It Will Be Like
If your spouse is struggling with addiction, your whole world can change. If you let it. And, unless you do something about it, it will change for the worse. Perhaps, much worse.
Your emotions will be all over the place. From anger to frustration to worry to fear, and then back again. None of those feelings will lead you toward anything helpful for your mate; they will only add to the issues going on in the family.
When addiction is in the family, your emotions can make your life miserable.
Your instincts will tell you to protect the person you love, and cover up for their problem. Or to fix them, and control the situation so it doesn’t get out of hand. If you go down one of those paths, it may take months—or decades—to eventually figure out those approaches won’t work.
When there is addiction in your marriage, it can be a tornado that wrecks everything in the family. Unfortunately, you can’t control what will happen to your spouse. But you are in charge of what happens with you. And, if you have kids, they will now need you more than ever.
Think of times you have been traveling on an airplane, and the flight attendant says, “In the event of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first so you can then take care of the rest of your family.” There’s a reason they do it that way.
What to Do if Your Spouse is Struggling
Below are some recommendations for things you can do if your spouse is struggling with alcohol or drugs. None of these are meant to help you fix, control, or enable your spouse. They are all about taking care of yourself so you will be in the best position to then help the rest of the family.
There are 5 areas with proven principles you can use to take positive steps. These are captured in an easy-to-remember acronym: “P-A-C-E-S.” In each of these key areas, we offer 3 suggestions to consider. See this list of ideas as a toolkit of tips and techniques you can select from to fit your situation.
Preparation: Keep healthy habits and activities in your lifestyle
- Personal wellness – Get at least 7 hours of sleep a night; otherwise, tiredness will make things seem worse. Exercise 3 times a week as an outlet to feel better. It’s okay to allow yourself comfort food at times, but try to keep your overall diet relatively healthy.
- Spiritual wisdom – No matter where you are on your faith journey, pray at least twice a day. If you’re not used to that, give it a try anyway. Include your morning prayer as part of a quiet time when you meditate as well, and perhaps read a few Bible verses.
- Emotional well-being – One day at a time, work on improving how you handle things emotionally. A good way to help that process is to read the 5 STEPS during your morning quiet time, meditate about them, and think about how to utilize them during that day.
Awareness: Be aware of your feelings and hang onto your sanity
- Self-awareness – Pay attention to your feelings, and understand they are not reality. Allow yourself to feel however you feel. But notice those emotions and how you are handling them. It’s okay not to be okay, but it’s your choice on what feelings you encourage. And, whatever your spouse is doing, don’t take it personally and don’t feel guilty. It’s not about you.
- Insanity – Your spouse will not always act in a rationale or even an honest manner, but you can’t let that alter your reality too much. You must realize a few key things: “You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it.” On a regular basis, talk to other people about what is going on to keep yourself grounded and help you make good decisions.
- Serenity Prayer – This prayer should become a tool you use all the time. It won’t give you magic answers to your tough questions, but it will help you frame the choices to be made. Google it, write it down, and read it every day.
Connection: Learn about codependency and have people to talk to
- Get help – Attend a support group once a week, and start with Al Anon. Go to at least three meetings to get used to it, and try out different meetings if helpful to find one that you like the most.
- Codependency – Begin studying codependency and read a good book about it. You are likely already acting in a codependent manner, so figure out if you err toward control (fixing, over-protecting) or enabling (rescuing, covering up for them) and begin to change. If you try to control them, you will exasperate them instead. If you enable them, you cripple their ability to get better.
- Having fun – Do some things you enjoy each week such as a hobby, fun activities, or time with friends. It’s okay, you have permission to have fun, and it will keep you balanced.
Education: Learn ways to help you manage situations effectively
- Life management – Educate yourself on risk factors and warning signs for your spouse’s addiction of choice. Learn about triggers to understand what they are for your spouse. The purpose is not to solve their problem for them but to understand how it works.
- Coping – Experiment with and choose techniques you will use to cope with stress, depression, anger, and the other emotions you may be feeling. Try breathing exercises, prayer and meditation, exercise, music, or whatever works for you. But find something.
- Boundaries – Thoughtfully consider what boundaries you should set with your spouse. Start with any that are needed for safety, including legal and financial safety. Consider what may be needed to protect yourself emotionally as well as physically. Your goal is not to control their behavior, but to ensure that you and the family are safe and secure.
Steps: Hold onto your faith and hope to prepare for a good future
- Expectations – Your situation will not work itself out in the short term, and it may take years. It’s okay to grieve a little, but you need to get used to a “new normal” for a while. But make the commitment that you will persevere and hang in there for the long term.
- Planning – Begin to anticipate and prepare for any other problems that may be caused by your spouse’s condition whether they be financial, medical, legal, work-related, or whatever.
- Purpose – Continue or get engaged in some project or calling that is meaningful and which has a purpose bigger than you. Hold onto your faith and hope and maintain a positive vision for the future by devoting time and energy to activities that serve others.
That’s a lot to think about, but pick a few items that will be helpful in your situation and get started.
In closing, I know you want to help your spouse. It’s admirable that you do, and we’ll talk about ways you can do that in Part 2 of this article. Because you can make a difference.
But take a little while to take care of yourself first.
Question: Who do you know that might benefit from this information?
Action: Use the Social Media Share buttons below for this article and Part 2.
Photo by Joshua Duggan 
Photo by Thijs Paanakker Photo by Monkey Mash Button
