You are meant to have community—connection, relationship, belonging, and love—in your life. But you are also meant to be the real you, so the way that happens may be specific to how you are designed and your personal experiences. So, be you!
We don’t have to define “community” by how other people do it. In fact, that can lead us toward envy or jealousy rather than transparency and a healthy yearning for what we are meant for, and what we can each achieve. Because we all have our own life journey, and we can each move toward our authentic version of community one step at a time.
This article will wrap up our 3-part series on community, and it’s fine if you want to simply keep reading. Or if you like, you can also go back and re-read “We All Yearn for Community” and “We All Yearn for Community (Part 2).” Either way is good, and I hope you enjoy and find value in the discussion.
Because we all yearn for community.
A Personal Journey – Part 3
I first experienced the epiphany of community when starting a family taught me that life is not all about me and that there are valuable aspects of the human experience we can only find in community with others.
But as I got older, I saw that we can find community in different ways, not just with family—if we are looking for it. We can identify steps to help us engage in all 4 of the levels of community we discussed in the prior articles, and we can get more enjoyment and satisfaction out of life as we do.
Through our investment in others, we find deeper connection.
Although I am an introvert, that doesn’t mean I don’t need or want community, because I do find value and enjoyment through being with others. It just means that I have to be intentional about taking steps to invest in people, starting with those I meet. Those who may, in some instances, later become friends.
For some reason, I haven’t done a good job getting to know my neighbors well. The only reason I can think of is that I don’t invest the energy and time to stop and chat or to drop in to see them. I’m also not that good on pausing to talk with the people I encounter during the day. My Mom was great at that, and she could form a wonderful connection with someone just sitting next to them in a waiting room. But that type of community doesn’t come naturally to me.
I think my compulsive focus on staying busy and being productive gets in the way.
But being part of groups has been an awesome way for me to develop connection. Whether it was a college fraternity, a business networking organization, or small Bible study groups, many of the people that I now consider as good friends started as someone else in the same group.
Meeting people at church has worked well. It seems easier when we are around people that we share a common interest with, and having a spiritual connection is especially powerful.
For years, most of my friends were people I met at work. Being around someone regularly lets us get to know each other, allowing connection to form naturally. That process got harder later in my career because I was working virtually with very little in-person contact with my co-workers. But, if I focused on it, I found I could make progress simply by asking people about their non-work life.
But even now, I have to be intentional about making myself text or call someone, setting up coffee or lunch with people I know, and getting together for dinner with friends. Too often, my introversion and the part of me that shuns rejection chime in to discourage me from reaching out. But I’m almost always glad when I choose to ignore those voices and make the effort anyway.
By expressing empathy with people, we develop relationship.
I am not naturally the most empathetic person, but it is an area I have worked hard on to develop. Plus, I believe that when we try to overcome any personal traits that interfere with forming relationships that God will help us through that process.
Which has been awesome, because I have seen that developing more empathy for others has been one of the biggest breakthroughs for me in forming good relationships.
On my own, I can get bored at parties if I stay at the “chit chat” level with everybody. The introvert in me quickly steps in to suggest, “Isn’t it about time to leave?” But if I slow down to focus on the person I am talking to, set aside my compulsion with me, and listen to what they are saying, I really enjoy it!
With other men, I have recognized that guys normally default toward talking about stuff like work, hobbies, or sports. We tend to have relatively shallow relationships even with people we think of as friends. It doesn’t have to stay that way, but someone has to take the first step to go a bit deeper.
And expressing empathy builds relationship and trust. Just the other day, I was at a business roundtable group I am a member of, and several of those company leaders were commenting on how important it was for them to have connections that go deeper than being mere acquaintances. Because we all need relationship.
It is only through vulnerability that we can find true belonging.
I have found that vulnerability is the frontier we must have the courage to explore if we want to find belonging. It seems scary at first to be transparent and honest, but if we keep trying, it soon comes to feel right.
One of the many things I love about recovery is the vulnerability of the people in that community. I can sit next to someone I’ve never met before and, in five minutes, find myself in a conversation that is both deep and real. It’s not like that in most other circumstances, so I often notice how naturally it happens at a recovery meeting.
A number of years ago, it occurred to me that I could “take recovery to the rest of the world” simply by becoming more vulnerable. About that time, I found myself in a men’s small group, and I noticed that the majority of our conversations were on (guess what) work, hobbies, or sports. I decided to try something and started sharing with the group the real me, which includes a history of alcoholism and a range of issues with addiction and other problems in my family.
Six months later, it had come out that of the 7 other men in the group: one admitted to being an alcoholic; another wondered if he was; one told of being caught with pornography and the pain that brought into his marriage; another asked for help with issues he was having with his kids; and yet another let us know his son was in recovery for drugs but they had kept it a secret out of shame.
I have seen that how we experience life changes for the better and that people are transformed when they muster the courage to be vulnerable with each other.
Now, leading a nonprofit ministry that is focused on helping people prevent addiction and other compulsive issues from tearing their lives apart, I greatly appreciate the opportunity—the duty—to be vulnerable. Simply by taking a step and going there, I find more belonging more quickly with more people than I ever could experience otherwise, and I greatly enjoy it.
When we perform selfless acts of service, we move toward agape.
Another life-changing epiphany I have come to appreciate is to recognize that it is only by giving our life away that we can discover what life is truly meant to be about in the first place.
After taking a step of faith many years ago, I found myself drawn to working with nonprofit ministries that cared for hurting people. Those experiences, and God’s urgings, opened my heart and changed me.
As I went on to organize projects that gave other people opportunities to serve, I discovered something exciting: it changed them too! One of the coolest experiences I can have is when someone stops me to say, “I didn’t want to work on that ministry project, but getting involved opened my eyes, and it changed me. Thank you!”
Understanding that we all yearn to be part of something bigger than us is an epiphany, and making the choice to perform acts of service that express unconditional and selfless love is a breakthrough.
A summary of my journey toward community
Early in my series of discoveries of community, I didn’t feel deeply connected to people, and life was pretty much all about me. Deep relationship, belonging, and love seemed elusive.
I was yearning for something that I didn’t recognize for a long time: I wanted to be accepted rather than remaining emotionally isolated. I wanted to have people who cared for me, and to return those feelings in a way that was more about them than about me.
Subliminally, I was asking questions such as: “How can I fit in? How do I connect with people and share life with them at a deeper level?” Until I experienced the epiphany: “It’s not all about me. I am meant to invest in others and have relationship.”
For me, it started with my family, but I went on to learn that community can take many forms with friends, people we meet in groups, and those we choose to serve. Interestingly, I saw that life became much better when it wasn’t all about me anymore.
Making the leap to community
We’re going to try something here, and I want you to go there with me. No one is watching, it’s just you, so you are totally safe, and it will only take a few minutes.
I want you to get in touch with your heart.
Because, deep in your heart, there are a couple of things going on that you might not pay attention to much of the time. In fact, you may not even know they are there!
There is pain that you have felt in the past, and may still be feeling, from a lack of the community you desire. There are also wonderful dreams and feelings of belonging that you yearn for achieving. Both of those feelings—bad and good—are totally normal, so take a couple of minutes to just feel whatever you feel.
Fight the temptation to hurry up or skip past this part. Seek to become more deeply self-aware and remain open-minded about what you may find. Avoid the natural desire we all have to hide from our feelings, especially negative ones. Decide that you will go there, and become willing to make the leap …
Make the leap out of the depths of the pain that you feel
Not all of them will apply, but do any of the emotions described below seem familiar to you?
Do you feel lonely or disconnected? Are you too busy to spend quality time with friends? Do you want more out of your relationships?
Do you ever feel left out, or is there a group you want to be a part of so you fit in? Do you sometimes feel unheard and unseen? Is there something you are going through that is weighing you down, and you want to share it with someone but are too embarrassed or ashamed to reach out? Does the concept of unconditional love seem elusive, even foreign, for you?
Who has hurt you in the past in terms of your relationship with them? Who is hurting you now? Who have you hurt, thinking especially about the people you are closest to?
Pause for a moment to consider this epiphany: “You can lessen the pain you are feeling by prayerfully letting go of those negative feelings and adopting the serenity to move on with your life in a positive manner.”
One last question: Are you willing to talk to at least one person and to God about the pain you feel?
“How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others… But even more important is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness.” (M. Scott Peck)
Make the leap toward your dreams and what you yearn for
Do you see yourself anywhere in the following description, or have you asked any of these questions?
How would it feel to be connected to a group of people and to feel that you really do fit in, and you are accepted just as you are?
Do you want to have closer relationships with some people? Do you want friends who are patient and empathetic enough for you to be truly seen and heard? Do you want people to just have fun with?
Perhaps without ever saying it out loud, are you yearning for belonging and for there to be someone or a group of people where you can be yourself and still feel warm and safe?
Do you dream of being part of something bigger than you and feeling that you make a difference in the lives of others?
Close your eyes and try to picture this epiphany: “The dreams of community you yearn for are achievable, if you surrender your expectations for how they happen and when, and if you choose to take positive steps toward them.”
One last question: Are you willing to write down the steps you will take to move toward your dreams?
“Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations.” (Brene Brown)
Taking Steps Toward Community
Too often, we are driven by the ups and downs of our circumstances, so we react to what happens around us and move forward less intentionally than we could. Without realizing it, our values become shaped by the lifestyle choices we make along the way because, as Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.”
A better option is to become intentional about selecting our values and using them to establish direction for our life. And “community” is one of the most important and universal values we should consider.
Now, in just a few minutes, you can use the exercises below to help you capture how the value of community applies to your life experience and how you can use it to help guide your life journey.
Exercise #1: Write down the feelings of your heart about community.
From the last section where you got in touch with your heart, write down:
- What pain do you feel in the area of community?
- Will you do your best to prayerfully let go of that pain?
- What are the dreams of community that you yearn for?
- Will you choose to take positive steps toward them?
What are the feelings of your heart?
“Find someone to share your heart, give to your community, be at peace with yourself, try to be as human as you can be.” (Mitch Albom)
Exercise #2: Capture what the value of community means to you.
Write down your answers to the following questions. What does it mean to you to …
- Invest in others so that you can find deeper connection?
- Show empathy for people to develop your relationships?
- With courage, embrace vulnerability to find belonging?
- Show unconditional love for others by serving selflessly?
Shape those answers into a paragraph to capture what the value of “community” means to you.
“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” (Walt Disney)
Exercise #3: Consider the bigger picture about community.
God has given you significance in the 5 universal values of meaning, purpose, identity, contribution, and community, and those values work together in an integrated, holistic manner. Read the statements below about how the other 4 values relate to “community.”
- Meaning: The importance of God in your life is defined by your relationship with him. God is good and, if you let him, he will help you move toward connection, relationship, belonging, and agape love.
- Purpose: It will help you find purpose in your life when you come to understand that you are called to serve others, and you will find significance when you take steps to do so.
- Identity: When you accept that you do not have to be obsessed with controlling others or people-pleasing, you can be more comfortable in your own skin, and this will help you develop community.
- Contribution: Community may take different forms for each of us, so you should examine how you are specifically designed and recognize the talents you have been given to develop deeper relationships.
Edit your paragraph about community to take into account your new insights from this exercise.
“There is a wonderful quality about being together in community that takes place whenever each individual takes whatever gifts he or she had been given and offers them to the body for the glory of God.” (Jim Branch)
Exercise #4: Identify your more specific version of community.
From this list of supporting elements of community, pick a few that are important to you: (a) compassion; (b) kindness; (c) empathy; (d) love; (e) generosity; (f) loyalty; (g) respect; (h) equality; (i) justice; (j) mercy; (k) connection; (l) belonging; and (m) family.
Adjust your paragraph to reflect those supporting elements in some manner. Moving forward, you can now use the description you captured as an “Affirmation” statement to give you direction and help you move toward community.
“I want to bring out the best in a community and contribute something of permanent value.” (I M Pei)
Exercise #5: Choose the Next Right Steps you will take.
In Part 2 of this article, we outlined some specific things you can do to move toward community. We show them again below, so use that list to choose 1 step you will take for each of the 4 levels of community.
- Connection: Join a group; invest in some acquaintances; be kind to people you encounter; your other ideas.
- Relationship: Practice the art of conversation; improve your communication style; embrace humility and acceptance; your other ideas.
- Belonging: Practice more transparency; increase your authenticity; move toward belonging; your other ideas.
- Agape love: Understand that agape is a choice; learn from how God loves you; recognize that you are called to serve; your other ideas.
Now, write down the Next Right Steps you will take to move toward community.
“Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself.” (Julia Cameron)
Our values affect how we think, feel, and act. If we are intentional in choosing them wisely, it will help us move in a positive direction.
It is an epiphany when we realize that life is not about us alone. It is about what we offer to and receive from the people we are around. And it’s a breakthrough when we declare community as one of our key values as a foundational part of our overall worldview.
We can take steps toward community by investing in connection, showing empathy in relationships and vulnerability in seeking belonging, and serving the people around us with unconditional love. By so doing, we can enhance our life journey, and it becomes more enjoyable and meaningful as we travel with other people along the way.
Because we all yearn for community, and there are steps we can take to get there.
Question: Do you now feel that embracing community will help you live life better?
Action: Keep the Affirmation and Next Right Steps you created and look at them often.
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