In our busy, heads-down rush through each day, it’s easy to lose sight of how important it is to have connection, relationship, and belonging with other people as a big part of our life experience.
The good news is that there are things we can do to make sure that happens.
We all yearn for community, even if we sometimes struggle to fit it into our schedule in real life. To learn more, you can also read part 1 of this article, or you can keep going with Part 2 here.
Recognizing the importance of community is an epiphany, and making the choice to become more intentional about pursuing it is a breakthrough that can help us live life better.
“Community is about doing something together that makes belonging matter.” (Brian Solis)
A Personal Journey – Part 2
My journey toward community took a leap forward when starting a family taught me that life was not all about me anymore. But I was to come to learn that relationships have their “downs” as well as their “ups” along the way.
Because sometimes the people we are closest to are the one we hurt the most.
Years after getting married, my wife and I both found ourselves in recovery, each having finally escaped the chains of alcoholism that had held us prisoner. Recovery is often a wondrous time of self-discovery, but sometimes when we look more closely at ourselves, we are surprised by what we find.
Recovery taught my wife that she had been internalizing how she felt for much of her life. In her family, people didn’t talk to each other about real issues or anything negative that was going on, and the iron-clad family motto was, “Dignity above all else.”
While I learned that as a husband, I had not matured to the point where I could recognize that some of the ways I communicated with her were not building her up—they were tearing her down.
To me, our married life was awesome, and I thought everything was going fine. But, without being aware of it, my perfectionism struck her as criticism, my desire for control was sometimes stifling, and my need to be right all the time chipped away at the self-esteem of the person I loved the most.
Of the many things I have done wrong in my life, this one has perhaps brought me the most pain. Because, once I realized what was happening, I saw that this had been going on for 10 years!
Even now, if I’m not alert and careful in how I interact with her, it can still happen today.
We went through some tough times along our journey, and our marriage hit some “downs” that I won’t go into here. But amazingly, those trials led to something miraculous: our marriage and life are now better because of them!
God is immensely creative, and one of his ways of developing our character includes using our tough time to do good things. Our relationship is deeper now, and the wedding vow of commitment has matured into the understanding and heartfelt desire to keep doing our best.
I had to go through some learning about community in my role as “Dad” as well.
My older son went through a period when partying and the less-than-desirable activities that can accompany that way of living were at the center of his life. As his behavior changed for the worse, and frustration and fear grew for my wife and me, I made some mistakes in terms of our relationship.
Too often, I yelled when I should have stayed calm, lectured or preached when it would have been better to listen, and over-reacted when I should have slowed down to more deeply understand what was going on in his world.
Later, though, some of the biggest insights contributing to our ministry on Proactive Parenting came from the growing awareness of what I could have done better.
At times, we may discover things we have done that have harmed our connection with other people, often without even being aware of it. But if we approach that self-learning productively, the pang of guilt we feel can be replaced by the promise of even better relationships in the future.
The Levels of Community – Part 2
Everyone is busy these days, but if we focus on the value of community, we can live life better.
As we move along our life journey, we interact with people in several different contexts: some we have just met, others who have become acquaintances, a smaller number we consider friends, and a few that we may be very close to. But by being intentional about the process, we can take positive steps across all 4 of the levels of community: connection, relationship, belonging, and agape love.
Community takes different forms for each of us, e.g. someone who is an extrovert may have different needs than an introvert. But this material on community is relevant, useful, and actionable for every human being on the planet, no matter how they are wired.
If we are willing to be self-aware, remain open-minded, avoid isolating, and take positive steps, we can experience community, and we can live life better.
- Be self-aware: Be humble enough to see ourselves in this discussion. We all have things we can work on to live life better, and that’s okay. Self-awareness is often the beginning of transformation.
- Remain open-minded: Don’t let pangs of discomfort close us down, but remain open to the promise that life can get better. At the same time, seek to avoid forming judgements about other people.
- Avoid isolating: When things are going badly in our life, we have a tendency to isolate due to guilt or embarrassment. Here is a critical, in some cases life-changing, nugget of wisdom: “Don’t!” Those times when we are hurting or ashamed are often the times when we need community the most.
- Take positive steps: It’s a personal choice to be intentional about pursuing the value of community. Some of us may need to take steps to be more proactive, more kind, or more real with other people. But we don’t have to change our entire life now, just keep taking the next right steps.
Our life will be enhanced as we travel along the journey toward community, but there is a critical element that we must remember: “Community is not all about us!”
Connection – Through our investment in others, we find deeper connection.
We can enhance the sense of community we experience in life by being intentional in how we interact with people, and there are steps we can take to meet more people and form deeper connections with some of them. Here are things we can do to invest in people to find and develop more connection.
- Join a group – Becoming part of a group is one of the best ways to meet people. This could be a club, civic organization, business network, neighborhood group, or a gathering of people who share a hobby. Groups allow us to meet people we share some common interest with and to be around them on a consistent basis. Even in a large group, we can often develop not only connection, but relationship and belonging as well.
- Invest in some acquaintances – There are many people we may meet in an average month, but sometimes we can be around them and never get to know them at a personal level. It doesn’t have to be that way. Simply by asking people questions about their personal life, we can move the relationship to another level. Then, for any that we feel some initial connection, we can be proactive in terms of reaching out to them in the future.
- Be kind to people we encounter – Simple moments of connection add pleasure to our daily life, such as being friendly with people at the grocery store or in a waiting room. It’s easy: just say hello, ask about them, and enjoy a chat. In addition, divine appointments can happen any time when we come across someone we can serve in some way, or who may meet a need of our own. The value of a simple “hello,” a kind word, or 2 minutes of pleasant conversation can change someone’s day.
Introverts may need to focus on being proactive about investing in other people. This takes energy and sometimes goes against our natural tendencies, but it’s worth the effort to meet more people and become intentional about staying in touch with them. A technique to consider is to contact at least one person every day and have coffee, lunch, or dinner with at least one each week.
Because it is through our investment in others that we find deeper connection.
Next Right Step for Connection: Find 1 group that we share interests with and attend a meeting.
“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” (Rollo May)
Relationship – By expressing empathy with people, we develop relationship.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person, which goes against our natural desire to obsess on “US.” But as we interact with other people, we should become more willing to focus on “THEM” instead, and that will greatly accelerate how we develop relationships.
- Practice the art of conversation – We can become more “connectable” in conversation by focusing on the other person, listening, asking questions, and being genuinely interested in their life. Then, since conversation is a two-way street, it’s okay if we also share about ourself in a humble and real manner and expand on any areas they ask about. But, overall, to try to listen more than we talk.
- Improve our communication style – I feel convicted about this item because it’s a weakness of mine, but tone, expression, body language, and the words we choose strongly affect the people we talk to. We may not be aware of the messages we are sending unless we pay attention to our communication and ask for feedback from others. Whether it’s the words we say or the other ways we communicate, it’s worth pausing to ask, “Are we building this person up or tearing them down?”
- Embrace humility and acceptance – This is another area I need to work on, but it is a big step when we realize we don’t have to be “RIGHT” all the time. We can stay true to our values without being self-righteous in our point of view. It’s also critical to internalize that we don’t have to impress everyone we meet. Adopting acceptance versus judgement or self-absorption can change our lives.
Extroverts may need to pause at times to remember that our interactions with others do not have to be all about “US.” Sure, we like to talk, and we feel that our stories about “US” are fascinating, but amazing things happen when we focus on other people. A technique to consider is to see how long we can go in each conversation without talking about “US.”
Because by expressing empathy with people, we develop relationship.
Next Right Step for Relationship– In 1 conversation per day, focus on listening more than talking.
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” (Harper Lee)
Belonging – It is only through vulnerability that we can find true belonging.
It is a life-changing paradigm shift—especially for men—when we muster the courage to be vulnerable with other people more of the time. Amazingly, we will learn that people are drawn toward vulnerability because it makes it safe for them to be the same, and it’s the only way we can find true belonging.
- Practice more transparency – Transparency is how much we share with other people. When we accept that we don’t have to be perfect, and we don’t have to impress everyone all the time, it gives us the freedom to enjoy other people more because we are less concerned with appearances.
- Increase our authenticity – Authenticity is when we share what we feel in a genuine and honest manner. It’s when we are real rather than fake about who we are. We become authentic as we learn to share more of the true picture of who we are rather than obsessing about being exposed.
- Move toward belonging – To truly feel a sense of belonging, we must have the vulnerability and courage to be comfortable with who we are and accept other people just as they are. That mutual feeling of safety and acceptance is what belonging is all about.
All of us can muster the courage to be more vulnerable. It is a breakthrough when we figure out that we can be ourselves rather than faking our way through life. Life is a lot more fun and rewarding when we are real with others about who we are and allow them to be real with us in return.
Because it is only through vulnerability that we can find true belonging.
Next Right Step for Belonging: Pick 1 person to commit to have a truly vulnerable conversation with.
“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.” (M. Scott Peck)
Agape – When we perform selfless acts of service, we move toward agape love.
Agape love is the highest level of community because it brings the greatest rewards, but also because it is the hardest level to achieve. It is not natural for most of us to set aside our natural, self-absorbed way of living to serve other people. But, in so doing, we learn what life is meant to be.
- Understand that agape is a choice – This form of love is a decision, not an emotion or a feeling. It applies equally to anyone we interact with, not just those that we are already close to, and it comes when we willingly give up our own comfort and convenience for the well-being of someone else.
- Learn from how God loves us – God loves us unconditionally, and he made the ultimate sacrifice in showing his love for us. When we accept this as truth and become more comfortable in our own skin, even with all our flaws, it allows us to pass on that type of love to other people as well.
- It calls for us to serve – We all feel called to be involved in something bigger than us, and the best way to do that is to serve other people. This may be our family, friends, other people we know, or anyone in our town or around the world. We find our own life by giving it away to others.
To experience agape requires making the choice to love other people unconditionally just as they are and to serve them without thought to our own comfort or convenience. This way of living comes with a cost, but it also brings rewards that can be found in no other way. True love is its own reward.
Because when we perform selfless acts of service, we move toward agape love.
Next Right Step for Agape: Perform a random act of kindness for someone without them knowing.
“Accept with gratitude the companions God gives you to go with you on the way. Your task is to serve and upbuild one another as members of one body. Give instead of demanding, trust others instead of compelling their trust, serve instead of being served, bless instead of cursing.” (H. van der Looy)
(This article is completed in Part 3 ….)
Question: What is 1 step you will take to enhance the level of community in your life?
Action: Read Part 3 of this article, and get the Next Right Steps blog if you don’t now.
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