Have you ever felt lonely? Disconnected? Do you find yourself too busy to spend quality time with friends? Or do you just want something more out of your relationships?
How about feeling left out? Wanting to fit in but not knowing how? Do you sometimes feel unheard and unseen? Desperate to talk to somebody because of what you’re going through, but too embarrassed or ashamed to reach out?
Because all of us, at one point or another, yearn for community.
Max is 42. He’s around people at work, and he has buddies he plays golf with occasionally, but their talk is mostly about jobs, sports, and hobbies. He’s busy with his career and family, so he doesn’t have much margin left for relationships. Recently, it has hit him—hard—that he doesn’t have any close friends.
Rebecca is 63, and since her husband passed away, she spends most of her time alone at home. She chats with some of the ladies at church but finds it awkward to ask if they want to grab lunch or coffee. The days pass by slowly, and she finds herself becoming more and more sad as the years creep by.
Andy is 17, and he feels left out and lonely. The kids at school seem preoccupied or heads down on their cell phones most of the time. Andy’s on social media, and he tells himself this keeps him connected, but inside he feels invisible. He wants to have friends, but he is isolated to the point of despair.
“We were born to unite with our fellow men, and to join in community with the human race.” (Cicero)
We all long for community with other people. But, far too often, we find it hard to obtain. Like Max, Rebecca, and Andy, we desperately want to feel connected to someone or part of a group who cares about us. To be seen, and heard, and to do the same for others.
The good news is that we can take steps toward social connection by investing in positive relationships, showing empathy and vulnerability with others, and serving the people around us. We can experience a life journey that is more enjoyable and meaningful because we travel with other people along the way.
The journey toward community starts when we realize that life is not about us alone. It is about what we offer to and receive from the people we are around. Because together is where community is found.
It may strike us as sad when we first realize it, but it can actually be an epiphany when we recognize that we—individually and personally—yearn for community.
And it’s a breakthrough when we declare community as one of our values and a foundational element of our worldview. Because we can use that affirmation to set direction in our life and take practical steps to care for and connect with other people more deeply.
“Without a sense of caring, there can be no sense of community.” (Anthony J. D’Angelo)
An Epidemic of Loneliness
These days, it would seem that the omnipresent reach of “social” technology would make people feel more connected than ever. Unfortunately, the facts show that the exact opposite is true.
Because there is an epidemic of loneliness sweeping through our society, and it is adversely affecting more than just our emotional well-being. In many cases, it is killing people.
Research shows that loneliness is on the rise, and those who lack social connection suffer declines in both physical and psychological health. Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General of the United States, has said many times that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer or heart disease or obesity. It is isolation.
Loneliness has been linked to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, stroke, and the progression of Alzheimer’s. One study found that it is 4 times the risk factor of smoking. A Brigham Young University study of 3.5 million people over 35 years found that those who fall into the categories of loneliness, isolation, or simply living on their own have increased risk of premature death of 26 to 32 percent.
And it’s striking everyone, including both women and men. While females more frequently admit to feeling lonely, males typically have higher loneliness scores. The problem was highlighted when a 2017 Boston Globe article came across as relevant to enough people to go viral, because it was titled “The biggest threat facing middle-age men isn’t smoking or obesity. It’s loneliness.”
“Alone, we can do so little; together, we can do so much.” (Helen Keller)
Loneliness may be easier to spot when it is accompanied by physical disconnection, but there are many different types of isolation we can find ourself in.
Some individuals may be around people frequently yet still feel disconnected, so they cover it up with busy-ness or bravado. Extroverts who appear outgoing can feel emotionally isolated. People with many acquaintances they think of as “friends” may realize at some point that they are not really very close to any of them. Even those with a number of legitimate friends may not be comfortable being vulnerable enough with them for those relationships to be much more than shallow co-existence.
For people struggling with mental health issues or substance use disorders, the shame they feel and the stigma they encounter—real or perceived—often lead them to retreat into the perceived safety of isolation. Which often makes them feel even worse, causing their downward spiral to continue.
Whether they verbalize it or not, many people these days are yearning for community and to experience:
- Connection so they feel that they fit in and are accepted.
- Closer relationships that allow them to be seen and heard and to just have fun.
- A sense of belonging, where they can be themselves while feeling warm and safe.
- Being part of something bigger and feeling they make a difference in the lives of others.
But unfortunately, there are lonely and disconnected people everywhere, sometimes hiding in plain sight.
“We have all known the long loneliness, and we have found that the answer is community.” (Dorothy Day)
The Importance of Community
What is community, and why is it so important?
It is a feeling of fellowship with others as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, or goals. It is marked by bonding, when the group—large, small, or just 2 people—and the individuals in it find themselves better together than alone. This creates what is called synergy, where the whole of the group is greater than the sum of its parts, which are each of the people enjoying that community.
We all desire social connection in order to experience close relationships with others and feel a sense of belonging. Research studies support the importance of community and show that people who feel connected to others have less anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, and greater emotional well-being. Taken to a broader level, community supports our inherent desire to be part of something bigger than us and to serve a cause—other people, groups, or society—as part of our life calling.
Experiencing community has an integrated or holistic nature that brings more fullness and wholeness to our lives. We see that we are designed and wired to live in community where each person can be intimately connected to a way of living that can only be found by interacting with other people. These holistic benefits apply to each individual, not just the group, because our emotional, personal, spiritual, social and even physical well-being become enhanced through experiencing community.
We can see—and even feel—the importance of “community” by noticing how we automatically react to its synonyms such as: “connection, togetherness, family, friendship, camaraderie, companionship, relationship, and fellowship.” And we intentionally or subconsciously—positively or dangerously—strive to be accepted as a member of a group, club, clique, gang, squad (ask your teenagers), church, company, political party, or society.
“A community is made up of intimate relationships among diversified types of individuals – a kinship group, a local group, a neighborhood, a village, a large family.” (Carroll Quigley)
Community can take different forms based on how each of us is wired, and it can change over time. Some of us may take refuge in what we see as a positive self-image such as: “That’s just me; I’m a nonconformist, an introvert, or a loner.” Or we may value our sense of independence or self-determination as “who we are.” Yet, deep inside, we still yearn for community, with only very few exceptions.
For example, psychopaths are people with an inherent medical and psychological condition that leads to a lack of empathy, caring for others, and the ability to form meaningful relationships, and they make up approximately 1 percent of the population. Sociopaths are more common, comprising about 4 percent of the population, and they show similar characteristics that were most likely shaped by their environment and upbringing.
The rest of us—the other 95 percent—yearn for, need, want, enjoy, and benefit from community.
Because, in our heart and soul, we long to fit in and be accepted by others. Whether we are an extrovert or introvert, we innately understand that remaining isolated and lonely is not our natural or ideal state. We want to have not only have people who care for us, but to care for them as well. And when we prioritize community and choose it as a core value, it can change the trajectory of our life.
We begin to notice that our previously self-absorbed lifestyle is not conducive to forming lasting, deep relationships. This leads us to see that we all choose, intentionally or through the lifestyle choices we make, to accept or deny the fundamental premise: “Life is not all about me.” This crisis of decision can lead to an epiphany: “I am meant to invest in others and have relationships.”
That epiphany can be a catalyst for positive change, and the breakthrough happens when we decide to do something about it.
“I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.” (George Bernard Shaw)
A Personal Journey – Part 1
We all have our own journey toward community.
During my mid- to late-20s, now back in Atlanta, I had friends and was active socially. On the surface, it felt like I was connected well enough. With my guy friends, I gravitated toward people who were fun, and it was a plus if they were good at their job too. That seemed to make it less wrong to be partying for much of the time. As far as I was concerned, “Work hard, play hard” was a noble enough worldview.
Until it wasn’t anymore. Because at a deeper level, it seemed that something was missing.
I enjoyed dating, and I didn’t feel lonely, but I wasn’t deeply connecting to anyone at an emotional level and certainly not spiritually. The vision of a positive relationship marked by togetherness and belonging crept into my awareness, and I thought: “Hmm, isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be?”
Then, one afternoon, the person who would change my life walked into the laundry room of my apartment complex, glanced over at me, and asked if she could borrow a quarter. And the rest, as they say, is history.
A tentative first date led to an awesome second one, and after a few months it hit me that I was actually in a relationship that seemed to be going somewhere. We turned a corner when what I called “The Night of 1000 Questions” took us deeper, and life slowly became a glorious blur of doing-everything-together. Friend-disgusting PDAs became “I love you” on that bench at Callaway Gardens, which led to a life-changing proposal on the beach.
For perhaps the first time in my life, I realized that I now cared about someone else more than me. That epiphany didn’t come to me all at once, and it was continually surprising as I slowly realized it to be true.
Our new dual-income-no-kids lifestyle of adventure took us to Miami, and a few years later our first son came along. While he was being born, we faced a sudden emergency that turned out to be an umbilical cord wrapped around our son’s neck, and for a few minutes I prayed as selflessly as I ever had before. In those moments, there was no “ME,” and all of my focus and desire was on the well-being of my son and wife. With every fiber of my being, I asked God to please take care of “THEM.”
Our journey took us back to Atlanta. As we approached the birth of our second son, I occasionally wondered, “Could I love someone else as much as I loved my wife and first son?” The answer was demonstratively delivered along with our new son, and I instantly realized that love is not finite or limited. In fact, it seems to expand exponentially as we allow it to.
The epiphany of community first happened with me as my family experiences taught me: “Life is not all about me, and we are meant for relationships.” The breakthrough came when I realized this was exactly what I wanted, and I was willing to do something about it.
I wanted connection and to invest in the well-being of people other than me, and I wanted to be in committed relationships that encouraged empathy and vulnerability. Even more amazingly, I wanted to serve my family, even sacrificially. And I realized I had been yearning for this type of belonging for years, without being conscious of it.
My personal journey toward community started with my family, and I didn’t realize at the time that it would continue for decades to bring me insights in other aspects of community as well. For someone as self-centered as me, “Who’d a thunk it?”
The Levels of Community – Part 1
There are levels of community that we may yearn for, and all of them are good, but they get progressively deeper and richer as well.
We may move through each of these levels in succession as we travel along our life journey, or we may be born with a natural sense for any or all of them. These are not the “end-all and be-all” summary of community, but these concepts can help us understand how this yearning may manifest itself in our life.
For each level, we may experience a huge epiphany at some point in our life, or we may discern a series of “Aha!” moments along the way that slowly shape our overall worldview. Each new insight presents us with an opportunity—a crisis or time of decision—when we choose to move toward community or to back away from it due to our—likely unconscious—feelings of insecurity, shame, or fear.
These levels of community are: Connection, Relationship, Belonging, and Agape. I’ll use the personal story of me and my wife to explain each of these 4 levels of community and demonstrate how they work:
Connection – Through our Investment in others, we find deeper Connection.
Investment – As scary as dating can be getting started, when we met each other, I had to make a choice: do I pursue this girl I was attracted to and ask her out OR do I back away because that step is too risky? This took overcoming the fear of rejection, and it meant investing the energy to spend time with her and to continue that process as our relationship developed.
Connection – We need to be intentional about investing in other people in order to find connection, because it normally doesn’t happen right away or on its own. This involves, to some degree, putting ourselves at risk of being turned down or ignored, but this investment can lead us to wonderful benefits, because the “return on investment” of community is huge!
“The need for connection and community is primal, as fundamental as the need for air, water, and food.” (Dean Ornish)
Relationship – By expressing Empathy with people, we develop Relationship.
Empathy – Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. At first, asking “The Girl” out was natural attraction (“Wow, she’s gorgeous!”) and ego (“People will think I’m cool if they see me with her.”) But it grew to be much more than that, because I found the “ME” part of our relationship lessening as I grew in wanting to know “HER,” until it finally became “US.”
Relationship – When we choose to listen more than we talk, ask sincere questions, and seek to truly understand another person, relationship can naturally develop. Focusing on listening with empathy acts as kindling for stoking positive relationships, and it removes our built-in, self-absorbed, and insecure pressure to feel that we have to impress the other person.
“Empathy is the starting point for creating a community and taking action. It’s the impetus for creating change.” (Max Carver)
Belonging – It is only through Vulnerability that we can find true Belonging.
Vulnerability – Vulnerability is when we are transparent and authentic with another person. In the middle part of our relationship, my wife-to-be began asking questions that were more personal and real in nature. Which led me to a crisis: “Do I go there, or do I keep playing my emotional cards close to my vest because it feels more comfortable and safe?”
Belonging – Belonging is the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group. We can fake it and fool some people some of the time, but that’s not vulnerability, and it doesn’t lead to true belonging. To belong is to feel safe and accepted for who we really are. To get there, we need to muster the courage to be ourselves and talk about deeper topics in order to truly be heard.
“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” (Brene Brown)
Agape – When we perform selfless acts of Service, we move toward Agape.
Service – “Agape” is a form of love that is both unconditional and sacrificial. I became friends with “The Girl” as we were dating and grew to love her romantically, but I also discovered—surprisingly to me—that I cared more about her well-being than my own. Doing what she wanted to do, whether I wanted to or not, and acts of service to make her happy became not only possible but rewarding.
Agape – Human beings are naturally oriented toward “self” and we normally choose to do what we want to bring benefits to us. Agape love is a decision we make, not an emotion, and it can apply to people we don’t know as well as those we are close to. When we choose to perform inconvenient acts of service for others because of our compassion for their well-being, that is agape.
“Love seeks one thing only: the good of the one loved. It leaves all the other secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward.” (Thomas Merton)
There is more we can learn to help us along our journey to community, so we will continue our story in Part 2 …
Question: Are you yearning for Connection, Relationship. Belonging, or Agape?
Action: Read Part 2 of this article now, and get the Next Right Steps blog if you don’t now.
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