If one of your kids is living a lifestyle that is different from what you feel is best for them, there are several things you need to understand about a concept known as codependency. But first, you may need to deal with any shame or guilt you are feeling about the situation. Here are some principles made famous by the Al-Anon organization that may help you take a more balanced and healthy perspective:
- You didn’t cause it – If you feel guilty about anything you have done or not done in the past, you need to let go of that shame. Your son or daughter is making their own decisions. Learn from the past, including mistakes, but focus on making good choices in the present.
- You can’t cure it – Compulsive lifestyle patterns, addictions, and mental health issues are caused by many factors. They can be treated and managed and sometimes prevented. But there is no magic potion or instant cure, and change is largely up to the person involved.
- You can’t control it – You can’t control the actions of anyone, including your kids. Your job is to teach them, model good behavior, and set the right boundaries and consequences for them. Believing you can control them is not healthy for them and certainly not for you.
What is “codependency?
Codependency is when our sense of self-worth depends on the well-being of someone else and on our perceived role to take care of that person. Codependency is like being addicted to either controlling or enabling the other person in order to feel better ourselves.
It is never a healthy situation—for either party—if your well-being is totally dependent on how another person is doing. It is likely that all parents have some level of codependency such that we feel good when our kids are doing well and not-so-good when they are struggling. But we should strive to become well enough such that our health (mentally, physically, spiritually) is not dependent on someone else.
Codependency hurts both the person affected by it and the one who is struggling. If you are a parent, it makes you a victim of the choices your son or daughter is making. Even worse, controlling or enabling can cripple the development of the person you love so much.
What is controlling?
In the long run, controlling your kids won’t work, and it will make your life miserable. You should set boundaries and consequences, but you can’t control what your son or daughter does. There are some basic truths you should understand if you tend to be controlling, such as:
- Hovering or controlling do not protect them; they add risk.
- Wrongly applied, harsh rules and anger sometimes backfire.
- You don’t know your teenager as much as you think you do.
- You can’t totally control them, no matter how tough you are.
What is enabling?
Enabling our kids prevents them from developing life skills they will need as they grow up. It may perpetuate an irresponsible lifestyle by lessening the consequences of their choices, and it teaches them that they can do whatever they want. Examples include when we:
- Protect them from everything.
- Fix all of their problems for them.
- Take care of them vs. let them fail.
- Set no boundaries and consequences.
A story of codependency
It took living through codependency for me to understand how powerful it can be.
I am naturally wired toward control. As our son started to make more and more bad choices, I felt that I could help him through teaching, lecturing, and enforcing rigorous boundaries. As he began getting into increasing amounts of trouble, I desperately wanted to fix, manage, or control him. Some things I did were fine, and others were not. But my subconscious fixation on control kept getting in the way.
My wife is the opposite, and she is wired more toward enabling. Out of her love for our son, she wanted to do anything she could to protect him, sometimes even from consequences of his own bad decisions. Seeing him in pain affected her so much that she desperately wanted to shield him from being hurt, and she often sided with him in developing ways to help get him out of trouble he had caused.
Many teenagers, probably all those who are taking substances, become experts at manipulation and lying. It didn’t take long for our son to figure out how my wife and I thought about things, and he became proficient at using that to his advantage. Sometimes, this caused arguments between my wife and me, which didn’t help our marriage and wasn’t helpful for our parenting either.
Even after we figured out how each of us was wired, it was still hard. The feelings parents have that show up as codependency can be deep and powerful. But it got better as we became more aware of how we thought about things, and we made a commitment to work together to deal with our tendencies. It was still difficult at times, and those deeply-held feelings persisted, but we improved by being more balanced.
Which, whether our son recognized it or not at the time, was exactly what he needed.
The importance of getting help
Parenting can be hard at times. When one of your kids is struggling, it can be very hard.
You would think that all parents would want to get help or find people they can talk to, including someone who has been where they are. But, unfortunately, one of the biggest mistakes many parents make during tough times is to try and make it through on their own.
Maybe they’re embarrassed, and they don’t want their friends to know about the situation. Perhaps they have deluded themselves into thinking that they are helping their son or daughter by protecting their reputation. Or maybe they just don’t know who to talk to. No matter what the reason, it is a mistake to remain isolated, because that is when we are most prone to shame, guilt, and fear.
If you have a son or daughter who is struggling and you don’t know how to handle it, you need to talk to someone. The first conversation is a big step, but don’t stop there. Find a counselor who understands family dynamics or look for a support group. The more people you talk to, the more balanced your understanding will become about how to be the best parent you can be and how to take care of yourself as well.
It’s okay that you have made mistakes in the past, because all parents do. But it’s not okay to stay silent and disconnected when one of your kids is struggling. Almost all parents have some degree of codependency, and most tend to be either enabling or controlling. But there are steps you can take to get better, and that can make a huge difference in the well-being not only of your kids but of you as well.
Next Right Steps: Talk to people who know you and ask for their candid advice, find a good counselor, and check out an Al-Anon meeting.
