When was the last time you had a real conversation?
Not an interaction with only casual small talk about hobbies, work, or other activities. A deeper conversation when you were totally engaged in the moment. One where you empathetically focused more on the other person than yourself—your feelings, your stories, your agenda.
Has it been a while? I understand. Because relationships—and real conversations—are something we have to work on.
I attended a weekend retreat recently on forming connections with others. We practiced life skills like empathetic listening, sharing from the heart, engaging deeply, and being encouraging. I also learned some important things about myself while there including: (1) I’ve made lots of relational mistakes that negatively affected other people; (2) I’ve made progress since then; and (3) I still have a long way to go.
I was reminded that if I—or you—want to improve our relationships, being more empathetic is a good place to start. Empathy is the capacity to recognize and share feelings experienced by another person. It’s a life skill we all need but one we don’t think about nearly enough. It’s important because empathy can lead to a host of other wonderful attributes such as kindness, compassion, forgiveness, love, and service.
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view … Until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” (Atticus Finch to Scout in “To Kill a Mockingbird”)
Learning How to Have Good Relationships
I’ve known for a while that empathy and interpersonal communication were not my strong points, but the retreat brought those memories flooding back. I saw how I brought my orientation to control and perfectionism with me into my adult life, and it didn’t fade away; in fact, it was trained into me! My early career in engineering and years in business only increased my tendencies to be pushy, abrupt, and critical.
Though I generally want to be kind to others, I’m often not as patient and pleasant as I could be. Which means I need to keep working on it.
Over time, I’ve learned more about relationships from the Bible, recovery, and personal development. As well as from my wife who is more naturally gifted toward connecting empathetically with others. Now, I work on going into conversations without trying to impress or control other people or expecting them to entertain me or cater to my needs. I’ve made some progress, but it’s still one step at a time for me.
The good news for all of us is that we can improve our relationships if we’re willing to learn what works and do those things more …
“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6:31)
That “Golden Rule” is one of the world’s most widely accepted life principles, embraced across religions and philosophies for centuries. It’s at the heart of Biblical teaching and aligns to what is called the second greatest commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
In our journey to improve our relationships, our first steps are to get right with God and get right with ourselves. In this step on Empathy, we focus on getting right with others. But as with most important things in life, we learn that this will take some work on our part.
It’s Important to Invest in Relationships
Dr. Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General of the United States, stated that the most prevalent health issue in the country isn’t cancer: it’s isolation. Research shows that isolation is on the rise, and those who lack social connection suffer declines in both psychological and physical health. Loneliness has been statistically linked to an increased risk of heart disease, stroke, Alzheimer’s, and premature death.
Becoming aware of our need to connect more deeply is a positive step. This includes recognizing that we can be emotionally isolated even when around other people. It takes effort to build connections, but the good news is we can take positive steps to improve our relationships.
The “Big Idea” of this article is: “Relationships require investment and empathy.” This happens when we become willing to devote time and energy to making positive connections with others. And when we focus on recognizing how other people are feeling and try to manage our relationships with their well-being in mind. This includes understanding what NOT to do such as:
- Because you’re so uncomfortable being vulnerable, you don’t invest the energy to have deep discussions that include feelings.
- When you’re talking to someone who is hurting, your primary response is to try to fix them and tell them what they should do.
Or for other types of people, it may mean NOT developing negative relationship habits such as:
- You’re so obsessed with your own wants and needs much of the time that you don’t notice how other people are feeling.
- When someone offers input on your feelings, you tend to discount their comments, even when they’re thoughtfully given.
“Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health. Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being that can help us live healthier, more fulfilled, and more productive lives.” (Dr. Vivek Murthy)
Taking Small Steps To Develop Empathy
You can improve your relationships one step at a time, and a “Small Step” of Empathy is: “I will have real conversations with people.”
The retreat I attended gave me some useful insights on what it means to engage more deeply with another person. You can do that with family, friends, and even casual acquaintances by having real conversations, and here are 10 practical examples of how to go about it:
Tune in – Make a commitment to be totally present in the moment and focus on the other person.
- Eliminate distractions – Pull out your cell phone and turn it off without looking to see if you have any texts or messages.
- Maintain your focus – Don’t look around and ignore any other people or regular activity that may be going on around you.
Listen well – Look them in the eye, think about what they say, and seek to truly understand them.
- Ensure you can hear – When it’s hard to hear the other person stand closer, ask them to speak up, or move the conversation.
- Seek to understand – Listen deeply and try to understand what is really going on that is beneath the words they actually say.
Ask questions – When they pause, ask questions showing you heard them and want to know more.
- Ask open-ended questions – Rather than questions that require only a yes or no, ask them to explain more about the topic.
- Ask validating questions – When you aren’t sure exactly what they mean or want to confirm a key point, ask them about it.
Engage deeper – Left alone, most people have conversations at a practical and more superficial level. To go deeper, ask questions like: “What do you think about that? How does that make you feel? What desires does that create in you? What do you think you should do?”
- Start slowly at first – Some people may not be used to being vulnerable, so start with easier questions and slowly go deeper.
- Make it into a habit – Stay committed to engaging deeply and sincerely, and people will come to enjoy those conversations.
Be encouraging – Smile and nod as you listen. Don’t criticize, give advice, or try to fix their problems. Tell them you understand and help them feel heard and safe. If it’s real and it’s true, be vulnerable and say something like, “I’ve been there too, and I know how you feel.”
- Become consistent – Strive to be someone that people enjoy being around by being optimistic and honestly encouraging.
- Remain sincere – Don’t flatter people for everything but look for instances when you truly appreciate what they are doing.
Those actions are simple and doable yet powerful and life-enhancing. Every time you do them, you take positive steps in several important areas to: help another person, improve your relationships, and improve your own life by increasing your emotional intelligence (EQ).
EQ is the ability to identify and handle emotions for yourself and others. Research by TalentSmartEQ, the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence training, found that EQ is the strongest predictor of performance, explaining 58% of success in all types of jobs.
Think about what that means: EQ is even more important to your success than IQ! Another critical thing to understand is that cognitive intelligence (IQ) stays the same throughout your life according to Forbes Magazine. Emotional intelligence, however, can be acquired and improved with practice. These two sources of research show that emotional intelligence is extremely important, and it can be learned!
Empathy helps you improve your relationships by getting right with others. A good start is investing in people by having real conversations.
Next Right Steps: Read Part 5 of this series which is about “Building Good Relationship Habits One Step at a Time.”
