Who do you know that is like this person?
John likes to be in charge and enjoys being in control, but he’s not self-aware enough to see that how he communicates with people hurts them sometimes. He’s too busy or preoccupied to just listen, and he isn’t always empathetic because he’s trying to fix the other person. He can be tough on others sometimes, without even knowing it, because he is a perfectionist. He wants to be helpful, but inside he thinks about whatever’s going on in the moment in these terms: “What does this mean for me?”
Do you know anyone like that? How does it feel when you’re around them? What kind of relationships do you think they have?
Now, I’ll describe another person, so try to think about whether you know anyone like this …
Nancy doesn’t like conflict, so she avoids it. She’s somewhat self-absorbed and her feelings get hurt a lot. When she’s hurt, she keeps it to herself rather than talk about it with others. Without thinking about it, she can be passive aggressive, and her negative feelings come out later in some way. She has issues with self-esteem, and she tends to worry, but she’s not very intentional in trying to change. She’s nice and wants to help others but often doesn’t get around to doing anything about it.
Do you know anyone like Nancy? Do you think there are things she could do to have better relationships? And a happier life?
After meeting these individuals, there are likely people you’re thinking about. But starting now, try to let those thoughts go. Because this discussion isn’t about other people. It’s about you and helping you improve your relationships. And when any of us are really honest, we can all see some characteristics of John or Nancy that strike close to home, and we all have traits that can be harmful to our relationships.
How You Can Improve Your Relationships
I have some good news: It is a reasonable and achievable goal that you can improve your relationships. This applies to relationships with your spouse, kids, friends, people at church, coworkers, acquaintances, and everybody you interact with. Amazingly, as you improve your relationships, you’ll find more joy, peace, love, contentment, and purpose at the same time.
To help you do that, there’s a big idea worth adopting: “You can improve your relationships one step at a time.”
To repeat: “You can improve your relationships!” And you don’t have to do it all at once, just work on it a day at a time. This assertion is a guarantee, and it’s not based on the latest fad or a self-help mantra to make you feel good for a while. The principles in this material are supported by the Bible, recovery, personal development, and psychology. They’ve worked for millions of people, and they can work for you.
To improve your relationships—your life—it will take focus but it will be time very well spent. Why might it take effort? Here are 5 reasons:
- To improve your relationships, you must first improve yourself.
- In order to improve yourself, you will need some help from God.
- Then—and only then—you can have real relationships with others.
- To keep those relationships healthy, you’ll need to form good habits.
- To keep them satisfying, you need to do all this with the right motives.
Going through this effort will not only improve your relationships; it will improve your whole life!
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” and “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:29-31)
That Scripture started with the concept of loving God, and it talks about doing so with all your heart, which includes your motives. The verses say to love your neighbor which means others. It asks you to love them as yourself, which suggests you need to understand who you are. And since this passage describes God’s two greatest commandments, that means he wants you to turn these concepts into habits.
That’s a good formula for any of us to improve our relationships, ourselves, and our lives while pleasing God at the same time.
Transforming Our Lives and Relationships
In the United States, about 1 out of 7 people struggle with addiction. In my family, that number was different: it was 3 out of 4. The good news is these dark times led me to experience the world of recovery. And yes, I mean that seriously, that was good news. Very good news!
Recovery was a wonderful experience for me and my family. In fact, it still is, because recovery done the right way is a useful and effective lifestyle and not a black art you learn and practice only in a basement room at your church.
Even recovery meetings can be awesome. People welcome you, and they don’t put you on the spot. You simply listen to others talk about things they’ve experienced and what seemed to make life better for them. The discussion is about real-life transformation, and it’s practical!
What are relationships like in recovery?
Let me give you two examples of how people often interact with each other. In the first example, they politely nod to one another with a (sometimes fake) smile on their face and murmur a few casual and not-very-deep words of chitchat. Then one person asks the other, “How are you doing?” And the answer is always the same: “Fine.” Which may or may not be true, but they both smile again and go on their way.
In the second example, when someone walks up, the other person looks them in the eye and warmly greets them with interest and affection, even if they are meeting them for the first time. As in the first example, they may ask, “How are you doing?” But this time, they really want to know, and they will sincerely and patiently listen to the answer because they genuinely care, and they’ll ask to hear more.
If I told you one example represented people at church and the other people at a recovery meeting, can you guess which is which?
While I was experiencing the world of recovery, there were 3 epiphanies that changed by life:
- Recovery is Biblical-based – When I saw the Twelve Steps, I thought, “Those look like the Bible!” They were created that way. Enough so that Rick Warren, pastor and best-selling author, taught sermons about them and started the worldwide Celebrate Recovery movement.
- Recovery helps fix bad habits – We all have habits we repeat even though they have negative consequences. That’s called addiction. One of the worst is substance abuse, but millions of people have successfully recovered from it. They just don’t talk about it much.
- Recovery can improve your life – The way to treat—or prevent—addictions is to live life how it was designed to be lived. That revelation led me to write the book STEPS: A Daily Journey to a Better Life which wasn’t about addiction and recovery—it was about living life better!
Do you know what recovery is all about? It’s about surrendering to God and working on yourself. It’s about forgiveness and having good relationships with others. And it’s about developing good habits to live one day at a time and serving others with the right motives.
That book simplifies the Twelve Steps into 5 easy-to-understand principles—5 STEPS—that serve as guidelines to help you improve your life. And help fix your bad habits. And live in a Biblical manner. Those 5 STEPS are: Surrender, Transformation, Empathy, Progress, and Service.
You can use the STEPS in different situations to live effectively each day, build a life plan, grow spiritually, or deal with tough times. They are also great for helping you improve your relationships, and this article is the first in a series to help you do just that. Join us on that journey!
Next Right Steps: Read Part 2 of this series which is on “Letting Go of Control to Improve Your Relationships.”
