The red numerals glared at me and mocked my desire to go back to sleep. Precious peace had mutated to disturbing dreams then wakeful worry. Thoughts—the bad ones—raced unchecked again: fear, insecurity, shame, repeat …
I heard the soft thump of the air conditioner kick in and hugged the blankets closer. For a few minutes or an hour, I fought to will myself into unconsciousness, but that self-defeating absurdity played itself out as it always did.
I couldn’t sleep, but I wouldn’t get up. The voices had returned, whispering doubts into the serenity I felt I had earned. I didn’t want to climb out of bed, but it was a matter of time before I gave into the inevitable. Doing something—anything—was better than this.
The tantalizing but frustrating truth was that I knew what to do to feel better. I had researched the problem, discovered solutions, and found them to work. But the voices were relentless and clever, and they knew my weaknesses.
“Identity is a prison you can never escape, but the way to redeem your past is not to run from it, but to try to understand it, and use it as a foundation to grow.” (Jay Z)
The Confusion of Complexity
The Golden Years of my early forties had slowly, almost imperceptibly, faded into grayness. Significance and motivation were beaten back by busy-ness and subdued by sameness. A shared journey with good friends was replaced by a new city and small talk with other parents perched uncomfortably on the bleachers at baseball, basketball, and football games.
Life was okay, but it seemed like it was supposed to be better than this.
Everyone said their life was, “Fine.” Their social media proclaimed how happy they were all the time. But my inner voices sometimes whispered to me. I knew I had positive qualities, but I also worried about doing something stupid and being found out as a fraud.
This new normal seeped into the vacuum left behind as I allowed meaning, purpose, and community to leak out of my life. But I had a plan to numb the quiet desperation and subdue all that bothersome thinking for a while. So that’s what I did, and alcohol was my trusted ally.
I looked forward to those predictable times when I could relax and have fun. That was when I felt like the real “me,” and I watched the clock more intently as each day dragged on. But too often, 3:00 AM would bring the voices back, and the multiple facets of “me” would bicker for control until I dragged myself out of bed to start another day.
Sorting out the noise was complicated, and sometimes I would wonder, “Which of those voices is the real me?”
“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” (Patrick Rothfuss)
The Fear of Change
The weeks, months, years moved by. Work varied from exciting to stressful and from interesting to boring. At times, I felt I was doing something important. On other projects, I wondered, “What in the world am I doing in this job?”
Beyond work, there was enough to stay occupied with pleasant diversions, comfortable habits, and time-consuming distractions. And there were good times: I loved being with my family, I liked watching the boys play sports, and we did fun things together.
But life was different—less wonderful and not as real—than it had been during the Golden Years. And if I thought about it, which I normally chose not to do, I could see I had changed too. I wasn’t sure how that happened, because I hadn’t been thinking about it much along the way. That’s one of the advantages of denial.
At some point, another voice began piping up amidst the cacophony in my head. It may have been a good voice, one who cared for me, but it bothered me with questions I didn’t know how to answer:
- “Steve, is this who you really are? Is this your identity?”
- “Is this what you want your life to be like? Your legacy?”
- “If you don’t change, do you think your life will change?”
In my thoughtful moments, I knew those were good questions. It was the answers that bothered me, and it was scary thinking about making a change. What if I wasn’t smart enough? Strong enough? Man enough?
“If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting. You want change, make some.” (Courtney C. Stevens)
The Attack on Self-Worth
The excitement of the Golden Years was long gone, and the new normal lingered on. Until it got worse, and the life of our family came apart a piece at a time.
My drinking continued and remaining highly-functioning at work did little to diminish my growing shame. My wife had been struggling with deepening sadness and sank slowly into the quagmire of depression. Our older son made increasingly bad choices with alcohol and drugs, and his trajectory spiraled dangerously downward.
Our family was under attack, and each month brought new moments of desperation. The Dark Ages had come, and things seemed hopeless at times. Eventually, through God’s grace and the help of recovery, we began to see a way out of the morass, but it wasn’t going to be easy.
My wife and I quit drinking together. She became active in Alcoholics Anonymous and started down a long and winding road toward wellness. My control-driven ego told me I didn’t need a formal recovery program, and I tried to tough out abstinence the hard way. Along the way, financial problems and marriage issues added to our struggles.
Our son went into residential recovery for a few weeks and came out better—for a while. A year of shaky progress was the eye of a storm that resumed with a fury. A semester at college proved disastrous and led to a longer stay in recovery, but one that was more life-changing this time.
The brunt of the storm finally passed. Our son began making good progress. My wife’s recovery smoothed into an upward path to increasing serenity. I started going to Celebrate Recovery and experienced some of the biggest epiphanies of my life as my focus shifted from willpower-driven sobriety to positive, one-day-at-a-time progress.
Along the way, our family learned a secret that has improved the lives of millions of people around the world. It is a message that is profound in its simplicity and grace: “It’s okay not to be okay. We’re not broken, and we have value.”
We had withstood the attacks on our family. They were struggles that changed us, first for the worse, but later for the better.
“It’s okay not to be okay—just don’t stay there.” (Matt Chandler)
The Spectrum of Behavior
Over time, recovery became an exciting journey of discovery for me and my wife, and it also enhanced the life of my son. It is where I learned profound and practical insights for how to live life better.
I met some of the wisest, humblest, and most compassionate people I had ever known. Many who had been disconnected and hopeless before were now members of a self-aware community of like-minded travelers sharing the journey to a better life.
One way or another, each had discovered a breakthrough for hurting people trapped in the prison of shame and despair. The key to their escape was: “I’m not alone, and there are steps I can take to become the person I was meant to be.”
Before, I had noticed that most people stigmatized addiction as a black-and-white, them-and-us type situation, but I learned that’s now how it really is. Addiction is a spectrum, and we’re all on it! Everybody is addicted to something, and the people in the most danger are those who don’t know it yet.
I was amazed by the practical wisdom of recovery, and I wondered, “Why do we wait until people destroy their lives to experience recovery? Why aren’t these principles taught to everybody, earlier in their life so they can prevent issues like addiction from happening in the first place?”
I didn’t know at the time that those questions would change my life.
“Identity is largely concerned with the question: “Who are you?” What does it mean to be who you are? Identity relates to our basic values that dictate the choices we make. These choices reflect who we are and what we value.” (Psychology Today)
The Struggle with Identity
“The red numerals glared back at me, mocking my desire to be unconscious again. Precious peace had yielded to disturbing dreams, then wakeful worry. Thoughts—the bad ones—took over again: insecurity, shame, fear, repeat …”
I began this story that way, and it fit the chronology of this true-life narrative. But I wrote that introduction about an incident that occurred this week, not years ago. Because I still hear the voices sometimes, and I struggle with insecurity, shame, and fear. That’s still part of who I am. For now.
The reality is that we will struggle with identity our entire lives. We will think, “Life is supposed to be better than this, and I don’t feel I am the person I am meant to be.” And we will yearn for more.
“The tantalizing but frustrating truth was that I knew what to do to feel better. I had researched the problem, discovered solutions, and found them to work. But the voices were relentless and clever, and they knew my weaknesses.”
That part of the story was about the years after the Dark Ages as I spent tens of thousands of hours researching, writing, and teaching how people can live life better. The good news is that there are solutions to the emotional, spiritual, and personal issues we all face. They have worked for millions of people around the world and for hundreds of people I know.
Including my wife, my sons, and me. Yes, I still struggle with aspects of my identity. In fact, that is the hardest area for me of all the things I write about. Perfectionism, control, insecurity, and shame are still part of who I am.
There’s no magic genie that will pop out of a bottle to grant us three wishes to be self-secure, compulsion-cured, and anxiety-free.
But God designed us, and he can change us. We are wonderfully made, in his image, and he has given each of us a unique identity. And we can be made new to put on a new self, because he has plans to give us hope and a future.
“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” (Brennan Manning)
The Promise of a Positive Identity
There are proven principles from the worlds of recovery, wellness, spirituality, psychology, and personal development that can help. This is the first blog in a series on “Identity,” and we will include some of those principles in the material to come. Here is a preview of areas we will discuss …
Our identity is complicated. It is an integrated combination of all the ways we think and feel about ourselves, consciously and unconsciously. It’s hard to understand at times, but we can find our identity if we look for it, and that self-awareness moves us toward gentle humility and peaceful self-worth.
Changing our identity feels frightening. But if we don’t adjust how we see ourselves, we will keep feeling the way we do now. Our fear becomes hope when we accept—believe—that life can be better than it is now. We can develop our identity and feel better about ourselves one choice at a time.
Our identity is under attack. Our enemies are the negative voices telling us we are “not enough” and the shame we feel when we listen. Anxiety, depression, and addictive behaviors and substances assault our sense of self, and we must fight to protect the promise of who we are. We’re not broken, we’re normal, and we have value just as we are. It’s okay not to be okay, but we don’t have to stay that way.
Identity is a spectrum. No one is sad or happy or anxious or content all the time. All of us—not some of us—have insecurities, and we keep doing things that make us feel bad about ourselves at times. But we’re not alone, because everyone feels that way; they just don’t talk about it. The good news is there are practical steps we can take to enhance our identity and become the person we are meant to be.
At times, you may hurt too, and I’ve been where you are. In fact, I am where you are, and so are most of the people I know. We all struggle with identity our entire lives, and that seems to be the nature of the human condition. We yearn to feel better about life and about ourselves.
But there is good news. You can have a realistic assurance that you can feel more peace, contentment, and self-worth than you do now. Identity is a value you can find, develop, protect, and enhance as you move along your journey.
Which may lead you to question: “How?” In the rest of this blog series, we will see that there are useful tips and practical techniques we can use to change our world by changing how we think about ourselves. We can travel that road together, and I hope you’ll join me.
I am a recovering alcoholic who is also addicted to perfectionism and control. I can be insecure, even afraid, and I feel stupid and ashamed at times. But I’ve spent years learning from other people how we can live life better, and if you’re hurting, I want to help.
All those things are part of who I am, and that’s okay. But not all of them are who I am meant to be.
“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.” (Ralph Ellison)
Question: Who are you deep inside, and what is your identity?
Action: Look for the following articles in this series on “Identity.”
