How to Find the Meaning of Life – Part 3
Sometimes, we don’t know what we don’t know.
Sadly, invisibly, relentlessly, that lack of awareness can keep us chained to the pain of our past and oblivious to the promise of the future. Because we are often too busy and distracted to dwell on life’s deep questions.
We think of spending time in quiet contemplation as unproductive or lazy. Meanwhile, we consume our workdays on tasks that are urgent but not important. At home, we don’t pause for thoughtful evaluation of big ideas about life, yet we occupy countless hours streaming television shows or flipping through YouTube.
But exciting things can happen once we know what we don’t know.
For example, it can be an epiphany when we begin to recognize how we are shaped by our childhood. And we can transform our life into a richer experience if we search for the truth with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.
At some point, the real breakthrough occurs: When we know what we know.
“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.” (Donald Rumsfeld)
10 Things We Don’t Know We Don’t Know
In my 30s, I was successful at work, made good money, and had a great family. I was having fun and felt I was in control of my life. But I was also too busy, distracted, and self-absorbed to think about big ideas such as the meaning of life.
I stayed within the comfortable, safe boundaries I had established rather than thoughtfully evaluating the big picture. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. But over the next few years, I would experience a series of epiphanies and breakthroughs that would change my life. At times, that learning process was uncomfortable, even painful. But it was worth it.
Looking back, I can see clearly now what I didn’t know at the time.
I didn’t know the pain I was feeling and causing
Below are 5 things I learned in my journey toward awareness and meaning. How many of these relate to you?
- Control – My addiction to control led to discouragement when I couldn’t manage every variable in my life, and it could wear down others. Plus, I used my compulsion for control as an excuse to avoid surrendering to God.
- Selfishness – Life was about me and getting what I wanted, and I didn’t want to be inconvenienced by the needs of others.
- Insecurity – My hidden, deep-down fear of not being good enough made me want to impress other people all the time. When I wasn’t perfect, I could feel a sense of shame that I was a failure and a fake.
- Self-absorption – I was an alcoholic who felt entitled to do what it took to escape problems and stress to feel good for a while.
- Pride – My compulsion to be right insulted and hurt people I loved, and it kept me from being more closely connected.
I had what I considered a good life, and I didn’t know it could be much better. It’s startling and sometimes sad to think back about what I was missing. But more than feeling regret, it makes me grateful for the breakthroughs that were to come.
“People overestimate their ability to understand why they are making certain decisions. They make up stories to explain their own actions even when they have no clue about what is happening inside.” (David Brooks)
I didn’t know the breakthroughs I was missing
I didn’t know about a new way of living I had been oblivious to before. Not only that, but had someone described that life to me, I’m not sure I would have wanted it at the time. Now, I can’t imagine trying to live any other way. Do you yearn for something more?
- Meaning – God is real, he is good, and he is in control. And that changes everything.
- Purpose – I am designed for something bigger than me, and it includes serving others.
- Identity – It’s okay not to be okay. I’m not broken or alone, and I have value.
- Contribution – I can be content by taking the next right steps, one day at a time.
- Community – It’s not all about me. I am meant to invest in others and have relationship.
The benefits I experienced in my life were astounding, and they can be the same with anyone.
As we learn what we don’t know, our life improves as we move: from compulsive control to meaning and hope; from disappointing selfishness toward purpose and significance; from insecurity and fear to feeling at peace with our identity; from self-absorption to contented contribution; and from prideful loneliness to belonging and community.
“I should wish you to think more deeply, to look further, and aim higher than you do.” (Anne Bronte)
How We Are Shaped by Our Childhood
Just recently, a sobering thought hit me: I am now older than my Dad was when he died. He has been gone a long time now. Sometimes, I realize how much I miss him, and I would give anything to be able to talk to him again. Maybe someday.
He was a good man. But more than a decade after he died, when I was in my 50s, I was surprised to realize something: I was mad at him. I think I had been mad for decades, and I didn’t even know it.
My Dad was a worker. When he was 7, he lost his father to a car accident. Before his teens, he started working in a drug store to help support his family. And he never stopped.
His mom died when he was 19, and he worked his way through college at the University of Alabama. Every weekend, he hitchhiked from campus in Tuscaloosa to Birmingham to work 2 jobs at a television station and as a deejay at a local dance club.
When I was a young boy, he would sometimes take me to work with him on Saturday. He would soon get busy in his office doing grownup stuff, and I would read or explore the largely empty studios of the television station where he was employed.
In 1992, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and given less than a year to live. He held on for 4 years, sometimes going from his chemotherapy treatment back to work. I drove him to the station after a chemo treatment once, and I can still see him pausing on the landing of the stairs to catch his breath before struggling up the rest of the steps. He went to work the week before he died.
Dad was a product of his generation, and he didn’t have a role model growing up of what dads are supposed to do. So, he did what he felt was his responsibility: work and support his family.
We didn’t do many things together, or talk about deep topics, or have much of a relationship beyond the mechanics of daily activities. We got along fine and, looking back, I know he loved me. But I don’t think I understood that at the time.
When I was 9 years old, Dad and Mom came to watch one of my Little League games. Afterwards, he said, “Steve, I didn’t know you could play baseball like that.” After more than 50 years, I can still not only remember what I thought at that moment, I can FEEL it. I thought, “It’s because you never come to my games!”
I was 40 when I established a relationship with my other Father. As I got to know God, I came to realize how much he loves his family. But I thought of myself as only part of the group of people God loved. I had a hard time feeling he loved me individually.
Sort of how the Pope stands on the Vatican balcony waving blessings at the throngs of people gathered below, I felt God’s love from afar rather than in a personal way. It took me a long time to realize, intellectually and finally emotionally, that God loves me!
“Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount-that is the measure of God’s love for you.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)
What We Don’t Know About Ourselves
Fortunately, most of us don’t have to deal with the residual effects of early-life trauma such as childhood abuse or neglect. I have met people who do, and the pain of those events can affect them for decades, sometimes their entire life.
But we are all shaped by the circumstances of how we were raised. We form coping mechanisms to deal with life starting when we are very young. We often form our views on God from how we experience our relationship with our parents or caregivers.
Much of this happens below our consciousness, and we’re not aware of the origins of why we think and feel the way we do.
For example, if we do not feel strong connection with our parents, or if they don’t model what a personal relationship with God looks like, it may influence our own feelings about God. It could have happened that way with me.
Here are some other examples: Maybe our parents rarely expressed their love to the people they cared about. Perhaps we never saw them pray, or they didn’t go to church. Or they went to church, but their behavior at other times led us to view them as hypocrites. Maybe they were religious but more judgmental than kind in how they dealt with others.
We are not a prisoner of our upbringing, and our personal faith is between us and God. But we can discover clues to how we feel about God by thinking about how we were raised. For example, which of the types of parents below seem familiar to you?
Control – Eddie’s father was “Mr. Fix It” and could repair virtually anything around the house. He never felt he needed help, and he refused to accept it if it was offered. He always felt he needed to do it himself.
- Question: Do we feel we must be in control all the time and that letting go of control, including with God, is a sign of weakness?
Selfishness – Mary’s father was strict. Kindness and presents for the kids were rare, and they sometimes felt hurt by his behavior.
- Question: Do we feel we deserve whatever we want, and does getting things make us feel better and enhance our self-esteem?
Insecurity – Robert’s dad was an angry alcoholic who took his feelings of inadequacy out on him. Robert had no desire to know another father who might act the same way.
- Question: Are we scared of letting down our emotional defenses to the love of others and God?
Self-absorption – Bill’s parents argued all the time, and it seemed there was always anger and shouting in the house. Bill grew up looking for ways to escape the yelling and feel better for a while.
- Question: Do we pursue pleasure to escape our pain to feel how we want to feel? Do we fear God will ask us to stop those habits?
Pride – Angela’s Mom was a doctor who seemed to think she was always the smartest person in the room. She had to be right all the time, which meant others had to be wrong.
- Question: Do we think of people who believe in God as less intelligent than those who are smart enough to have all the answers?
Psychological details of these stories are not the point. These examples help us see how our worldview is shaped by coping mechanisms we choose in our early years. Those mechanisms often become so habitual that we don’t even notice them anymore, even though they continue to affect how we think, feel, and act. Including how we think about God.
We don’t know what we don’t know. But those childhood experiences do not define us. Our parents had flaws, as do we. But we are each our own person, designed individually. And God is not our parents.
“My God, are we gonna be like our parents?” (Andrew in The Breakfast Club)
Search for Truth: Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength
We can make progress in finding the meaning of life through thoughtful evaluation of what we don’t know, including understanding the impact from how we were raised. We can continue our transformation by searching for the truth with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. How does that work?
Our heart – Get in touch with our “Why”
The heart is where our soul, mind, and strength come together merging our emotions, spirit, thoughts, and will into the essence of who we are. We should seek to get in touch with our heart. Deep in our gut, what do we feel is the meaning of life?
We have questions, and we yearn for answers without being conscious of it. These inner questions are our “Why.” Questions such as: “Why are we here? Why were we designed, and why does that give us meaning? Why should I believe in God? Why would God love somebody like me?”
In Part 1 of this series on meaning, I told of the Promise Keepers event in 1996 where I found the meaning of life. As I sat in that football stadium in Jacksonville with 55,000 other people, I knew I was supposed to be there. I could see the milestones of my life that had led me there.
I knew, deep in my heart, that God was the meaning of life. By committing myself to him, I was part of a larger story, and God was the Author of that story. We all need a “Why” in our life, and I had found it.
“Those who have a why to live can bear through almost any how.” (Friedrich Nietzsche)
Our soul – Ask God to help us find meaning
The Serenity Prayer encourages us to have courage to change what we can, serenity to accept what we cannot change, and wisdom to know the difference. This poem helps us choose what God wants us to do. In a wonderfully symbolic way, it also helps us use our soul to find the meaning of life.
Because we can do all 3 of those things at the same time. It may require courage to take a step of faith. Surrendering to God brings us serenity and acceptance we cannot find in any other way. And God will give us the wisdom we need to find meaning in our life.
Not long after that Promise Keepers event, I took a course at my church called “Experiencing God.” It teaches us that God is at work all around us, and he invites us to become involved with him in that process. When we accept his invitation, we experience God, and he accomplishes his work through us.
While I was taking that course, I saw God’s supernatural involvement in my life not once, but several times. The same happened with my wife. I knew deep in my soul that God was at work around me and that he wanted me to be involved with him in that effort. I found meaning more than ever!
“To the ego mind, surrender means giving up. To the spiritual mind, surrender means giving in and receiving.” (Marianne Williamson)
Our mind – Think about the meaning of life
With some people, there seems to be an artificial and inaccurate separation between how God works and the use of our mind. Frankly, that doesn’t make sense. God gave us our brain, and he wants us to use it. This includes using our mind to search for the truth and seek the meaning of life.
We can move toward meaning through intellectual analysis, use of logic, and the study of disciplines such as history, archaeology, neuroscience, psychology, philosophy, astronomy, mathematics, and physics. Science, observation of nature and the universe, and theology can all lead us toward God.
A year or two before that Promise Keepers event, I began a personal search for truth. I read dozens of books, researched a great amount of material, and talked to subject matter experts about God and the claims of Christianity. I was trained as an Engineer, and I applied logic and reason to find the truth.
I wrote a paper with a summary of what I found, and those findings later went into my first book titled STEPS: A Daily Journey to a Better Life. You can also see it in a series of Next Right Steps blog articles starting with this one: “A Search for Truth – Part 1.”
“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” (Bertrand Russell)
Our strength – Draw on the strength of others
Many of us have a compulsion for pride and control, and we tell ourselves that’s a good thing. It’s not. We think we can answer all of life’s questions on our own. We can’t. Our inner voice tells us we must be strong enough to control our own world. We don’t.
We can draw on the strength of others. People who have been where we are, and those who are where we want to be. We can search for truth about God by talking to people who have looked for truth themselves. And we can draw on God’s strength as well.
A year after my search for truth, we moved to Orlando. We visited—were led to—a church near our home. We met Troy, Barbie, Mark, Pam, Steve, Jeannine, Brian, Rochelle, Brad, Nancy, and others. They were normal, fun, and intelligent. And also different, passionate, and spiritual. It gave us strength to talk to people who had traveled the path we were on.
We also saw we had a guide for our spiritual journey who gently and lovingly led us forward a step at a time. We learned something we hadn’t known before: We don’t have to rely on our strength alone. God will give us strength, if we ask.
We can find the meaning of life by searching for the truth with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.
“If you cannot see where you are going, ask someone who has been there before.” (J. Loren Norris)
When We Know What We Don’t Know
There are mysteries we will never fully understand. It makes sense we wouldn’t comprehend everything about an all-powerful God that can create the universe. Which means that adopting any worldview about God requires a step of faith.
No human can prove God exists or doesn’t exist to someone who chooses to believe the opposite. Even being an atheist or agnostic is a step of faith, because it involves a declaration of unbelief or skepticism in something that cannot be disproved.
God created things so a step of faith is necessary to know the meaning of life.
The good news is that we can experience epiphanies along our journey if we look for them, and we can discover breakthroughs that will change our life. What does that journey look like?
We don’t know what we don’t know – We are too busy, distracted, and self-absorbed to think much about big ideas such as the meaning of life and God. We miss the forest because we are lost in the trees.
- Step 1: We start to ask deeper questions than we have taken time to consider before.
We know what we don’t know – We come to realize there are things we are missing in our life.
- Step 2: We search for the truth about God and thoughtfully evaluate the meaning of life.
We know what we know – We learn how meaning comes from God. We accept that faith includes mystery, and we don’t need to know all the answers. Because we now know the truth.
- Step 3: Our heart, soul, mind, and strength have led us to a choice we must make, one way or the other. God has guided us along the way. When we decide to take that step of faith, it changes everything.
Sitting in that stadium in Jacksonville, I didn’t have all the answers, But I had enough of them, and I knew who had the rest. I chose to accept with serenity the wonder and mystery of God. I prayed for his wisdom and mustered the courage to take a step of faith.
“Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” (Martin Luther King Jr.)
Question: What are some things about life you know you don’t know?
Action: Click to continue this series with “How to Find the Meaning of Life – Part 4.”
