If you had reasons to believe one of your kids might have cancer, what would you do about it?
- Would you put off checking it out because you were too busy or work hard to find out what was really going on with them?
- Would you leap to conclusions on the diagnosis before you had all the information or consider the situation more thoughtfully?
- Would you accept it if they told you they were fine or do whatever it took to care for their well-being out of your love for them?
Most parents can answer those hypothetical questions quickly and emphatically. But why is it hard to make the same choices when our kids may be engaging in activities such as drugs or alcohol that are potentially dangerous—even deadly—for them?
Being a Good Parent Includes Being Aware
Our job as parents includes being aware of what our kids are going through and challenges they are facing. That way, we can equip them to grow up to handle what life may throw at them. And it will help ensure we never have to look back on a tragedy and realize, “We didn’t think their problems were that serious or dangerous.”
When our son was involved with alcohol and drugs, we had to make some tough choices along the way. Looking back, we know there are things we could have done better, and no parent is perfect. But one thing we did focus on was doing all we could to understand what was really going on with him.
Knowing what we learned in the process may have made all the difference. But it wasn’t easy, and we made lots of mistakes.
We didn’t have the “10 Ways to Know What is REALLY Going On” below. We pieced together ideas from books, other people, and talking together. In each of those 10 areas, we did some things well, did others not-so-well, and had no idea about many of them.
It’s hard knowing what is really going on with teenagers, especially when they are working just as hard to keep things from us. Which means that normally what we see about our teenager is just the tip of the iceberg of what is really happening.
The best advice I would give parents—including myself—is to utilize as many of those suggestions as make sense for each situation. That way, we will have the knowledge to better understand the trajectory our son or daughter is heading in because, to do that, we need to gather as much information as possible.
In parenting, ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance can hurt our kids.
Being the best parent we can be is one of the most important roles we ever play. And it’s different from being their friend, their enabler, or their boss. Being a parent is hard, and we need all the help we can get.
10 Ways to Know What is REALLY Going On
Below are 10 concepts and techniques to help parents know more about what is really going on with our kids. We can use this list as a “Tool Kit” of ideas we choose from to meet the needs of our family situation. And if something dangerous is going on with one of our kids, we can know better what to do.
1. Remove blind spots that limit your awareness.
To know what’s going on in our kids’ lives, we should conduct a personal inventory to remove things limiting our awareness if we’re:
- Too busy, distracted, or preoccupied to spend quality time with our kids so we can better see how they are doing day to day.
- Assuming problems can’t happen in our family, believing teens always tell the truth, or being in denial of what’s really going on.
- Codependent and enable our kids by ignoring warning signs or leap quickly into “control mode” before we know what’s going on.
- Engaged in negative habits of our own that make it uncomfortable for us to face up to harmful activities our kids are engaging in.
2. Use all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.
Parents are to love their kids with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that is a good way to increase our awareness as well.
- Our heart – Most parents have instincts about their kids, and it’s worth paying attention to them. If we “just have a feeling” that something is happening with one of them, it is possible there could be a reason. Sometimes, “Where’s there’s smoke, there’s fire.”
- Our soul – God prompts us with insights about our family, and our job is to listen to what he may be communicating to us.
- Our mind – A must-do for parents is to get educated on issues facing their kids so they can spot them and deal with them early.
- Our strength – Parents should observe their kids, investigate irregularities, and get in the way if they head in the wrong direction.
3. Be aware of risk factors that may affect them.
The odds of kids having issues with substance abuse increase from risk factors involved, so we should notice if they are affected by:
- Heredity if family members had addictions, trauma from abuse, divorce of their parents, or the death of someone close to them.
- Medical or emotional issues like depression, anxiety, or ADHD or their lives are disrupted by a move, new school, or breakup.
- Personal factors such as a need to fit in which makes them feel left out and that can bring on feelings of low self-worth.
- Being prone to peer pressure or an impulsive risk-taker who wants to have fun and doesn’t evaluate consequences well.
4. Look for warning signs of something going on.
If parents watch closely, we can spot warning signs earlier rather than later and help prevent issues from getting worse.
- If our kid’s demeanor becomes more negative, habits change or grades worsen, or they switch friends or begin to isolate.
- Lying or disobedience increase, or we detect a pattern of suspicious activities our kids do not have good explanations for.
- Self-absorption and entitlement increase or spiritual vacancy sets in if our kids move away from God and talks about religion.
- Our kids become manipulative, willing to lie or steal, or show hostility, especially if confronted, and patterns of hurtful behavior.
5. Get additional information from other people.
Teenagers don’t share a lot with their parents. If they are doing things we won’t like, they share even less, so we need information.
- Often, “We are who we hang around.” Do what we can to be around their friends. If they change friends, get to know them.
- Talk to the parents of their friends, form an alliance, and share information with each other on what is going on within the group.
- Ask our other kids what is going on. Say we want to help their brother or sister, and they can help them by being honest with us.
- Talk to teachers, coaches, and others who know them. Ask what they have observed and give permission to be open with us.
6. Practice having deeper interaction with them.
Teenagers are harder to talk to than young kids, and we need to find ways to have good conversations with them on deeper topics.
- Talk to them about their activities, ask open-ended questions, and listen with empathy and compassion rather than judgment.
- Ask neutral questions that allow them to share information such as, “Do kids at school use drugs? Why do you think they do?”
- Tell our kids it’s okay to have issues, and they aren’t alone. Give them hope and make them comfortable admitting things to us.
- Make it safe for them to share. Reward openness and honesty. Don’t punish them for small infractions so they remain open. Consider giving them “no-penalty” opportunities to share. If they admit something, calmly help them work through the situation.
7. Help equip your kids to be more self-aware.
A great thing we can do for our kids is help them become self-aware and self-managing so they can live life well on their own.
- Get in the habit of asking our kids how they are feeling and why they make the choices they do. Encourage them to think.
- Ask our kids to talk about their world. Understand they think differently than we do, so let them process things on their own.
- Ask what situations make them uncomfortable and what they can do about them, and keep the conversation comfortable.
- Have them write things down such as: “What are your goals?” or “Things that bother you and what you can do about them.”
8, Notice how they use their time and money.
If our kids get into alcohol or drugs, it affects how they use their time and money, so we need to pay close attention to those areas.
- Make it mandatory that they keep us informed of where they are so it becomes a regular habit. Occasionally, check to confirm.
- Use “Find My Phone” or another tracker app on their phone and a GPS tracker on the car and make it mandatory for all our kids.
- Stay aware of how much money they get and how they spend it. This should include from family members and what they earn.
- Teenagers who buy drugs have creative lies about mysterious Venmo payments. If we see issues, don’t allow those phone apps.
9. Pay attention to their trajectory over time.
As we collect information on what is going on in their life, we can look for patterns, especially to spot if things are getting worse.
- Examine risk factors and warning signs for our kids using a STEPS Teenage Assessment at StepsProactiveParenting.com.
- Evaluate the trajectory our teenager is moving in by getting as many data points as we can on their ongoing behavior.
- Think about what they were like a year ago and when they were younger to look for clues for any issues they are facing.
- Focus on what has changed and ask our teenager to talk about the reasons and root causes of their new behavior patterns.
10. If all else fails, consider snooping on them.
This is a complicated issue, but I believe it is warranted in some instances for the well-being of our kids.
- If we have our child’s best interests at heart and see a trend of dangerous warning signs, I believe it is okay to snoop on our kids.
- Options include searching their room, checking their cell phone messages, and putting tracking software on their computer.
- We shouldn’t act on small indiscretions but look for serious things they are involved in and clues about their inner motivations.
- Gather information to help us make wise and loving decisions. We want to know their heart with a goal of awareness, not control.
Being Aware Means Being There for Them
It takes commitment, understanding, and compassion for parents to know what is really going on with their teenagers. It all comes down to our heartfelt choice to be there for them. Which we can do by being aware, being wise, and being loving.
Be aware
We need to learn what is really going on with our kids so we understand, “Where are they?”
- Be willing – Being a parent includes doing some things even when they are hard. And it is hard to understand a teenager who doesn’t hang around us anymore or share what’s going on with them. It gets harder when they lie to us and become incredibly creative about hiding their behavior.
- Be available – Most parents are busy, which means we must focus on not being distracted so we aren’t present and observant.
- Be proactive – It’s helpful to anticipate problems to help our kids and set boundaries early rather than waiting until it’s too late.
“As kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It’s about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.” (Ron Taffel)
Be wise
We need to assess the direction their actions are taking them to know, “Where are they going?”
- Be thoughtful – Here’s a list of behavior reminders for parents: remain calm versus get angry, pause to think versus react emotionally, and equip our kids versus frustrate them. Others include: support versus control, encourage versus attack, help versus belittle, and connect versus exasperate.
- Be balanced – It’s easy to “under-parent” by being unaware or enabling or to “over-parent” by trying to control our kid’s every move. But we can emulate how God parents us by seeking a balance of grace and understanding with a focus on truth, even when that means showing “tough love.”
- Be strategic – We can better care for our kid’s long-term well-being by taking the time to understand the trajectory they are on.
“Wisdom is the right use of knowledge.” (Charles Spurgeon)
Be loving
We need to care enough to make tough choices to answer, “What are we going to do about it?”
- Be empathetic – Parents, like all people, can be self-absorbed, so we must focus on working to understand our kid’s world.
- Be compassionate – Sacrificial loves means doing things which may be unnatural to us at times. In some situations, that may be to show grace and forgiveness even when we are angry with our kids. Or it could be to remain patient enough to earn their trust as we calmly walk alongside of them.
- Be courageous – If our kids are moving in a risky direction, our job is to get in the way and “stand in the gap” between them and danger. Helping delay their initial use of substances by a year can make a big difference. Finding out they are using opiod drugs such as pills or heroin could save their life.
“God loves us the way we are, but too much to leave us that way.” (Leighton Ford)
Question: Do you notice any clues or warning signs that signal that your teenager may be hiding something from you?
Action: Make sure your teenager hears, “If there’s anything you need to talk about, I’ll be here for you, and I will always love you.”
