Listen to the 6-minute podcast version
Watch a 1-minute introductory video
Many parents want to control their kids. That’s understandable, and I was that way at times. But there are a few problems with that approach: it’s not what’s good for them, it’s not what’s good for us, and it won’t work!
As parents, we should be proactive, and we can help our kids learn to live in a controlled manner. That includes teaching them to surrender their will, being obedient, and honoring both God and their parents.
But can parents control their kids? No matter how compulsively we may try, the answer is, “No, we cannot control another human being, even our child.” But what then are parents to do?
When Control Doesn’t Work
While in high school, my older son went down an increasingly dark road of alcohol and drugs. As his behavior grew more dangerous, my fear and frustration grew. I have a tendency toward wanting to control both people and circumstances, and I was finding it harder and harder to keep my son from making risky mistakes. Isn’t that what a parent is supposed to do?
Logic and reasoning didn’t seem to work. Or lectures, or pleading, or anger. Rules and limits didn’t work, including ever-increasing restrictions. Trying to limit his activities—control him—so there was no way he could get in trouble (guess what) didn’t work.
I was scared. I desperately wanted to protect my son and see him develop the right attitudes and behaviors. It was not only frustrating to me, it was agonizing, and I felt like I was failing at my job as a parent.
Until I realized: If my son really wanted to do something, there were a number of good things I could do, but I could not control him.
“The heart of the problem is a problem with the heart.” (Dr. Henry Brandt)
Can Parents Control Their Kids?
Can parents control their kids? Only at times, in certain ways, for a while. Why is it better to consider a more balanced approach?
- Ultimately, control won’t be successful. We may be able to force our kids to unwillingly do some things for a period of time, but we can’t control their heart. That’s God’s job.
- So we can be a more effective parent. If we believe we can control everything our kid does, we may become obsessive in micro-managing their life. That’s not healthy for them, or for us.
- To avoid becoming codependent. Many parents allow their self-worth to depend on how their kids turn out. They become addicted to controlling their kids to feel better themselves.
- We want our kids to become responsible adults. We want them to be able to handle life on their own. Rather than control, that takes trust, practice, mistakes, learning, and patience.
- To parent our kids the way God parents us. God is in control of all things, but he chooses to allow us to make choices along the way and learn from the consequences, good or bad.
“Too many parents think their primary goal is to rear a good boy or a good girl. But their job is to rear a good man or a good woman.” (Dr. Howard Hendricks)
What Are Parents to Do?
In the bigger picture of life, we need to learn and accept that we can’t control people, circumstances, or outcomes.
We can control the thoughts we encourage, or our perspective and how we choose to look at the world. Are we a victim, or are we thankful and blessed? Do we inwardly obsess on our issues, or reach outward to God and others?
And we can control the actions we choose, such as how we react to people and circumstances, and this includes the decisions we make about raising our children.
But to be great parents, we should let go of our obsession with control and parent with a balance of grace and truth:
- We can’t control our kids’ attitude—but we can teach and model good behaviors for them to follow.
- We can’t guard them so closely they’ll never get in trouble—but we can provide goals, boundaries, and consequences to help keep them safe and on track.
- We can’t force them to think the way we want them to think—but we can build a trusting relationship with them and set a positive example they will want to emulate.
- We can’t stop them from making bad decisions—but we can raise them up in the way they should go and encourage them in activities where they can put those lessons to practice.
“The circumstances of life, the events of life, and the people around me in life, do not make me the way I am, but reveal the way I am.” (Dr. Sam Peeples)
Our job as parents is to seek the right balance and be neither too permissive nor too controlling.
To do that, we need to be prepared, aware, connected, and educated so we can take the right steps as a parent. And even though we may not be able to control our kids, we can be proactive and wise in how we raise them.
We don’t have to be perfect, but we do owe it to our kids to do our best. And that’s what makes a great parent.
Question: Can parents control their kids? Based on your experience, what do you think?
Action: Pick one or two of the items mentioned above to include in your parenting style.
