We can improve our relationships if we focus more on others than on ourselves. The problem is, we often don’t want to.
In this series, we have discussed the four steps of Surrender, Transformation, Empathy, and Progress. We covered dealing with our desire for control, being aware of our communication blind spots, investing in real conversations, and taking steps to make good relationship choices.
But for many of us, this article is about one of the hardest things left for us to do. We will cover the fifth and final of our five STEPS on Service. It’s about having the right motives for our relationships. The tough part is that this only happens when we stop obsessing on ourselves.
Many of us think about what we want from others rather than what we can contribute to them. It may take effort to focus instead on their feelings, the good of the group, and God’s desire for community. But if we make that shift, something amazing happens: we benefit too!
You can improve your relationships if you are intentional about building community. It doesn’t depend on your personality or how many people you know. What matters are your motives—what’s in your heart—and your willingness to focus on others rather than yourself.
“Without a sense of caring, there can be no sense of community.” (Anthony J. D’Angelo)
Learning the Highest Form of Relationship
Caring about other people more than myself was not my first priority for a long time. Or my second, or my third.
I became closer with my future wife as we dated and grew to love her. Along the way, I discovered—surprisingly to me—that I cared more about her well-being than my own. Doing what she wanted and acts of service to make her happy became not only possible but rewarding.
Later, after a step of faith that accelerated this transformation, I became drawn to nonprofit ministries that cared for hurting people. Those experiences also changed me. And as I organized service projects that involved other people, I discovered something: it changed them too! This growing appreciation of community affected how I approached my faith, my family, and many of my relationships.
We all yearn to be part of something bigger than us, and serving others in a selfless and unconditional way fulfills that desire. I have come to appreciate that it is only by giving our own life away that we discover what life is meant to be about. In fact, I think I read that somewhere …
“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)
The Bible has several versions of the word “love.” One refers to friendship and another to romantic involvement. The highest form of love is the Greek word “agape” that describes how God feels about us. It is a willful and sacrificial love that desires another’s greatest good.
Since we are designed in God’s image, we can experience agape as well.
This form of love is selfless and unconditional. It is a decision we make, not an emotion, and it can apply to people we don’t know as well as those we are close to. When we choose to perform acts of service for others because of our compassion for their well-being, that is agape.
I am grateful now to have the opportunity to work in ministry full-time, and I have an idea for you to consider: “Whatever you do, you’re in ministry too!” Your relationships are a ministry, and you serve others every time you choose to give more than you receive.
The Big Idea: Get Out of Your Own Way
We all yearn for community, and we can improve our relationships if we get the right motives and get out of our own way.
Have you noticed how self-obsessed other people are? Observe how many people handle their relationships. They talk about themselves most of the time and, when we’re saying something, they seize the smallest gap in the conversation to jump into one of their soliloquies.
Have you noticed how self-obsessed most of us are? Put this to the test sometime. In one of your relationships, commit to go as long as you can thinking only about the other person. It may be harder than you think, but hopefully you conclude: “Maybe it’s not all about me!”
The “Big Idea” in this article is: “Life is better when we don’t obsess on ourselves.” What does that mean to our relationships and well-being?
A study in Psychological Science suggests that people across the globe are becoming more independent, self-reliant, and self-centered. Which means we’re moving in the wrong direction versus improving our relationships. How do our feelings on self affect us as individuals?
Research from PsychTests revealed that self-serving people in their study were more likely to be miserable. They had underdeveloped social skills, were cynical, and do not like their lives or themselves very much. The opposite is true as well. A study reported by the National Institute of Health showed that selflessness is positively and significantly related to authentic and durable happiness.
We can improve our relationships—and our lives—when we get the right motives and stop obsessing on ourselves as much.
There’s more good news because we can improve the lives of others as well. What matters most is having the heart and desire to be there for people. Each day, if you pray for God to bring you opportunities to serve others, you will very likely see that prayer answered.
“Love seeks one thing only: the good of the one loved. It leaves all the other secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward.” (Thomas Merton)
Taking Small Steps in Building Community
Once we have the right motives and we stop obsessing on ourselves, we’re on the way to improving our relationships. This step on Service will help us move toward community one day at a time, and the “Small Step” for Service is: “I will be intentional about building community.”
Life is a journey, and we can take steps in the right direction to move toward a deeper and more satisfying way of living. To help, below are 10 examples of things you can do that follow a logical series of stages in evolving relationships:
Acquaintances
- Just get started – Look for people around you to connect with (even if you’re busy or distracted.)
- Seek to spread joy – Share kindness with those you encounter (even if you don’t really feel like it.)
Connection
- Create opportunities – Invite other people to lunch (even if just to be nice and make them feel good.)
- Become more involved – Join a group that serves others (even if you aren’t sure you’ll be comfortable.)
Relationship
- Encourage them to talk – In conversation, just keep listening (even if you really want to talk about you.)
- Sacrifice convenience – Be the person who volunteers to help out (even if it doesn’t fit your schedule.)
Belonging
- Make some investments – Commit to some relationships and groups (even if unsure how it helps you.)
- Practice going deeper – Take the risk to be transparent with others (even if it’s scary to be vulnerable.)
Love (Agape)
- Engage in ministry – Sacrifice your time and energy to those in need (even if you don’t know them.)
- Show selfless love – Pick a few people to love unconditionally (even if they upset or disappoint you.)
This step of Service will help you improve your relationships by having the right motives, because transformation starts in the heart. It will take sacrifice to let go of your obsession with self and be intentional about building community. But when you do, your life will change.
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” (Mahatma Gandhi)
Improving Your Relationships and Yourself
This is the final article in this series on “Improving Your Relationships One Step at a Time.” I hope you have enjoyed the journey, and here is a reminder of the steps we took along the way.
Surrender – Get right with God.
- Big idea: Life works better when we let go of control.
- Small step: I will memorize and use the Serenity Prayer.
Transformation – Get right with yourself.
- Big idea: Self-awareness is the beginning of transformation.
- Small step: I will work on my communication blind spots.
Empathy – Get right with others.
- Big idea: Relationships require investment and empathy.
- Small step: I will have real conversations with people.
Progress – Build the right habits.
- Big idea: We can improve our lives one small step at a time.
- Small step: I will make good relationship choices.
Service – Have the right motives.
- Big idea: Life is better when we don’t obsess on ourselves.
- Small step: I will be intentional about building community.
Next Right Steps: This article is the last of a series you can read starting with “Improving Your Relationships One Step at a Time.”
