Most families will face a crisis at times, and when it’s your family, it may seem like the world is coming to an end. Unfortunately, with the epidemic of teenage substance abuse and mental health issues, this heartache strikes thousands every day.
There was a time when my family was in crisis, and virtually everything that could go wrong did. We struggled with substance abuse and depression and making good choices as a parent was hard. It was the most painful period of my life, but (miraculously) good things came from it. It led to a new nonprofit ministry that helps parents deal with a crisis with their kids—or even better, prevent one from happening.
If one of your kids is in a crisis, you have likely tried many things already. The 10 techniques below can help even when times are tough, so pick the ones that fit your situation. These 10 steps are part of the PACES for Parents methodology to raise healthy and happy teenagers, and they align to the acronym “P-A-C-E-S.” If your kid’s situation continues to get worse or you face an emergency, get help right away.
preparation – anticipate issues and Minimize danger.
Substance abuse or related issues such as mental health problems can happen in any family. But rather than allowing worry or fear to immobilize you, harbor a thoughtful and healthy concern for the safety of your teenagers to be better prepared for a possible crisis.
1. Remain proactive and keep getting in the way of trouble.
Never give up on your kids because there is always hope things will turn around. Continue focusing on the fundamentals: remain vigilant, stay in contact with them, keep learning, get help, and pray continuously. It’s a time to “pick your battles” and worry less about smaller issues while staying focused on critical areas. Do anything you can to stand between your kids and danger. If necessary, limit their money and transportation while you seek a positive approach to take and until they prove through their behavior that you can trust them.
2. Create or update a “Proactive Emergency Plan” for safety.
In that documented plan, create a handy list of emergency phone numbers for substance abuse treatment, mental health services, and suicide prevention. Acquire and learn to use naloxone to help reverse the effects of an opiod overdose which can come from any fentanyl-laced pill. Safety-related discussions with your kids should be reiterated. Boundaries and consequences should be clarified and likely increased for dangerous infractions such as impaired driving including letting the teenager know they will stay in jail if they are arrested.
Awareness – Dig deeper to understand the situation.
It’s hard remaining aware of what’s going on when your teenagers are lying and hiding things from you. It’s not about controlling them, because that won’t work, but about doing all you can to understand what’s really going on to help you make wise decisions.
3. Escalate what you’re doing to know what’s going on.
It’s worth instigating tighter tracking on where money is going including digital transactions and expanding the number of people you are talking to for information. You may consider if you should snoop on your kids if the objectives are to understand their heart and keep them safe rather than control them. Consideration should be given to having them take a formal substance use assessment and putting in place a regular and ongoing drug testing process while you continue lovingly working with them to help them address their issues.
4. Perform or update a “Proactive Wellness Assessment.”
Tough decisions are likely coming, so this is the time to do a full risk assessment about what is going on and write down the information in case it is needed. This should include a summary of drug and alcohol use with as many details as possible about the “what, how, when, where, and who” for those activities. Mental health should be assessed as well as other emotional, social, spiritual, and personal issues. You should capture all you know about changes in behavior, why your teenager is using, and what their personal motives might be.
Connection – work with them and use good resources.
Even if it’s gotten hard talking to your teenager, know that you are still having a positive impact on them. Share your heartfelt belief in them and their positive future. Keep doing your best to stay connected at a heart level because your child’s well-being may depend on it.
5. See a counselor and insist your teenager meets with one.
Study good parenting resources so you can help your teenager as much as possible. Both you and they should be talking to someone with experience and wisdom in family crisis situations. If the first counselor or therapist tried is not a good fit, keep trying others until one is found where the chemistry is right. If finances prohibit the use of professional counselors, look for knowledgeable friends or family members who have good judgement and care for your child. The more people involved speaking wisdom into the situation, the better.
6. Update intervention talks and a “proactive family plan.”
Confirm family members agree with positive roles they can play. Talk to your teen to hopefully avoid a formal intervention. Begin to set expectations that their choices are leading them toward a recovery program: “You have not chosen to adjust your behavior. We will be checking out recovery programs to decide which one to use if you do not change. We believe in you, want what’s best for you, and are here for you every step of the way. Are you willing to make a positive change and how?” Capture their commitments in the family plan.
Education – Learn how to use recovery to get better.
If things get worse, you should take steps toward selecting a recovery plan. Ideally, keep your teenager involved. This lets them see that you are serious, and it is better to hear their thoughts and give them a chance to provide input on the type of program to consider. One of the best outcomes you can achieve would be for them to become interested and willing to find a program to help them live life better.
7. Begin learning more about possible recovery programs to consider.
Treatment options include extended counseling, mental health therapy, peer groups, regular recovery group meetings, detoxification, intensive outpatient programs, and residential recovery of various lengths. Considerations may involve cost, insurance, mental health and spiritual counseling, aftercare options, and reputation including talking to people who have used the program. A substance-using teen may fight these discussions or make empty promises to avoid treatment. Even so, gently and pleasantly do your best to involve them in choosing a program. It is far better to be able to offer them options and have them buy into a program they can willingly participate in.
8. Capture boundaries and consequences in a “Proactive Precovery Plan.”
If safety is still a concern, consider banning the use of vehicles and any other boundaries that might limit the danger. An evolving set of behavior boundaries should be set with consequences that lead toward the next level of treatment or recovery if your teenager continues making bad decisions. Keep reminding your son or daughter that these consequences and each level of treatment are choices they are making through their decisions and actions. Continue to reinforce that you are taking these steps because you love them and want what is best for them. But let it be clear that ongoing bad choices on their part will likely lead to a next stage of treatment or recovery.
Steps – build a long-term plan for the whole family.
When you have tried everything you know to do and nothing has worked, you may need to muster the courage to put the teenager into an initial level of recovery. This decision is an emotional one but try to handle it calmly while thinking about their long-term well-being.
9. Reset your expectations for a long, but still hopeful, journey.
No matter what happens, continue to tell your son or daughter you love and support them, even if they fight you along the way. If their problems continue, you will need to face the sober yet realistic expectation that it will likely be a multi-year journey for them to become healthy enough to prosper and live effectively. Mistakes and relapses are likely. If it happens, relapse should be seen as a setback rather than a failure, but there can be danger involved if a relapse includes serious drugs. But, no matter what, keep taking steps forward.
10. Pull together a “Proactive Parenting Plan” to guide next steps.
Parents should step back and assess the steps they are taking. They can review the five areas of “PACES for Parents” and combine plans from those areas into one overall “Proactive Parenting Plan.” If recovery is a next step, discuss options with trusted supporters. Spouses should keep talking until they reach a decision they both commit to support. Details should be worked out on how the program will be paid for and what steps are needed to begin treatment. The plan should ideally include counseling for every member of the family. Recovery is smoother if family issues are addressed along the way, and this sets the stage for a positive new future for the entire family.
Continuing the Ongoing Journey …
Some crisis periods pass quickly but some take a few years to resolve, so treat this as a long-term journey toward wellness. There are resources you can use to continue dealing with the crisis, so keep educating yourself and trying things until the situation has improved.
“Parenting in a Crisis” – This article is part of an online “toolkit” of resources to help parents deal with a crisis. Watch one-minute videos, read short articles, and use associated resources to “self-coach” your family. Find it here: “Parenting in a Crisis to Help Protect Your Kids.”
“PACES for Parents” – Use additional helpful resources to learn what to do to help your kids thrive during the teenage years and become equipped to prevent serious problems or a crisis from happening. Find it here: “PACES for Parents” online training center.
This period should be treated as the start of a journey that will change the life of everyone in the family in a positive manner. Continue to maintain a supportive, upbeat demeanor. Choose to believe that things will improve, continue to pledge your support, and encourage your teenager every step of the way. They desperately need the help, healing, and hope that you can provide.
There is a very realistic assurance that things will get better because there are proven steps you can take that will help, tens of millions of people have succeeded, and God is still in control. In fact, God does some of his best work in what we see as our toughest times.
Question: Are you willing to do whatever it takes to help protect your kids in this crisis, including utilizing all the resources you can?
Action: Even though you may still feel fearful of what might happen with your kids, you will begin to feel encouraged when you get into action, so put time on your calendar every week (maybe every day) to keep learning and acting on these useful techniques.
