I know a lot about how to communicate with teenagers. Because when our older son was in his teens, I did much of it wrong.
When kids become teenagers, it’s normally harder to talk to them than when they were younger. They’re not around as much and are often more independent and less open about their feelings. If they’re making bad choices, it gets even harder.
Caretakers such as Moms, Dads, grandparents, and others don’t have to be perfect. No one is, so we can only do our best. But since our kids change when they become teenagers, we need to change as well, especially in how we communicate with them.
We do that by being prepared, aware of what is going on, and thoughtful rather than emotional. By adjusting our communication style to fit the situation and the needs of each of our kids. In other words, by being proactive in our parenting.
If you’re a parent or caretaker who is finding it hard to talk to your teenager, you’re not alone. But you need to know something: you are making a positive impact, even if you don’t see it. Studies show that parents are the biggest influence on their kids’ choices. Don’t give up, and don’t give in to the frustration you may be feeling. Keep doing your best to stay connected to them.
Your child’s well-being—and sometimes their life—could depend on it.
10 Things Not to Do (A True Story)
When our older son was in Junior High, things changed with him, and he began heading in an alarming direction we didn’t understand. When we tried to talk to him, he didn’t share much. When he did, we wondered how much of it was the truth.
Things got worse, and our lives became a roller coaster with highs on good weeks and frightening lows when he made increasingly bad choices. We tried to connect with him, but I now see I could have done better in all 10 of the areas discussed in this article.
What did I do wrong?
- While my wife enabled our son to some degree because of her love for him, I tried to fix or control him for the same reason. Which meant we sent different signals to him, and he was clever enough to exploit those situations to his advantage.
- My wife and I should have reached out to other people earlier rather than worrying, “What will people think about our family?”
- I wish I had studied the craft of connecting with teenagers earlier than I did, because there were things we could have learned.
- I thought I could get him to change through long and detailed talks, but I didn’t notice he turned me off minutes into those lectures. I also sent messages through facial expressions, tone, and body language I later wished I could take back.
- If I was doing it again, I would be more vulnerable about my weaknesses to let him see it’s okay to have issues, and we can all work on them. Understanding it’s okay not to be okay, and that’s normal, can be a breakthrough for a hurting teenager.
- Later, he learned from being around older mentors and positive groups, and I wish we had tried to encourage that earlier.
- On topics like the dangers of drugs and impaired driving, I could have been more calmly focused on facts rather than preaching.
- I worked hard to intervene in his downward trajectory starting early. If I was doing it again, I would slow down in the early stages to focus on empathy and understanding his world rather than moving straight into, “How are we going to fix you?”
- I should have talked more with his brother on how he was doing, because everyone in the family is affected by substance abuse.
- I was connected to God and talked about him to my son, but I could have better modeled God’s love, grace, and forgiveness.
People grow by learning from the mistakes of others. The bad news is, I made a lot of them. The good news is, you don’t have to.
What to Do if You Can’t Talk to Your Teenager
Below are 10 things you can do when you find it hard to talk to a teenager who may be struggling. See this as a “Tool Kit” of techniques and concepts you can use as appropriate. Pick a few, or only one, and start taking positive steps forward.
1. Make sure you and your spouse remain connected.
When there are two parents or multiple caretakers looking after a teenager who is getting into trouble, they will often have a different approach for how to handle the situation. If those differences are not resolved, it will be harder to maintain a healthy environment in the family. Parents should talk about their parenting styles with each other, discuss options for how to handle each situation, and take a common position with the young person or communication, discipline, and family serenity will suffer.
2. Take care of yourself by connecting to other people.
Teenage substance abuse and related struggles can take a serious toll on the well-being of parents, but we can take better care of our kids if we also take care of ourselves. When we are carrying burdens of anxiety, frustration, or fear, it affects how we deal with our kids. When we can’t talk to our teenagers anymore, it helps to find a person or group we can talk to and share our feelings with them. This takes some of the weight off our shoulders and helps us stay healthy and balanced in our parenting.
3. Conduct an assessment of how you talk to your kids.
Good coaches stress the importance of players practicing the fundamentals of their sport over and over until they are proficient at them. We can approach parenting the same way. The STEPS PACES for Parents tool kit on “How Parents Can Connect with Their Teenagers” equips parents on the fundamentals, and here are three of them we should continually practice: focus on understanding our kid’s world, tell them we love them and are proud of them, and work to build trust in our relationship.
4. Get rid of remaining negative forms of communication.
As parents, we should work on our self-awareness and watch what works and what doesn’t when we talk to our kids. Here are some things that do not work: yelling, criticizing, impatience, emotional rants, preaching, lecturing, uninformed warnings, being condescending, setting unclear boundaries, hypocrisy, insincere flattery, giving in all the time, and inconsistency in our positions. A good start on improving how we talk to our kids is to eliminate those bad habits and then move on from there.
5. Set an example for connecting in a vulnerable manner.
One of the most powerful things a parent can do with a teenager they are struggling to connect with is to apologize to them. Not a perfunctory, “I’m sorry,” but a vulnerable, heart-felt apology for mistakes the parent feels sorrow for and one that includes asking our kids for their forgiveness. We can model for them humble acceptance of our wrongdoings coupled with a sincere desire to do better, and sharing our weaknesses with a hurting teenager gives them permission to do the same with us.
6. Help your kids connect to positive and helpful people.
If your kids won’t have good conversations with you, maybe they will talk to someone else. Encourage connections with friends or siblings who are a positive influence. Think of adults such as relatives or friends who could mentor them. If they are introverted or socially insecure, give them pointers about the art of conversation: show interest in the other person, ask questions, follow up, and share some of yourself with them. Remember that people need community, even if they don’t act like they do.
7. Insist on having critical safety-related conversations.
Your kids will likely not want to talk to you about their safety, but you need to anyway. Do research and prepare your thoughts, be factual rather than preaching, and keep it relatively short. Let them know you are doing it because you love them. They need to hear the facts about things like the very real dangers of impaired driving and of drugs being laced with fentanyl (Google it if you don’t know). If you have any reason to feel they may be considering suicide, ask them about it. Then listen, and listen some more.
8. Carefully and lovingly hold a “proactive intervention.”
If you’re deeply worried about the direction your teenager is heading, it’s hard talking to them, and you’ve tried everything you know to do, what do you try next? With love and empathy, you get in the way of their downward spiral into darkness, and you stand in the gap between your teenager and the heartbreak, danger, and sometimes death that comes with substance abuse. One way to do that is to hold a “proactive intervention” as the next step in your desire to connect with them.
What is a proactive intervention?
It is a conversation between you (with your spouse or another caretaker if there is one) and your son or daughter when you feel they are in danger and nothing else has worked. This is not the type of formal intervention you see on TV shows but a supportive talk you have with them that includes messages like:
- “You seem to be hurting, and it’s leading to bad choices. Can you help us understand how you are really feeling?” (Now listen.)
- “We are concerned you’re heading in a dangerous direction, and we can’t stand by and do nothing and watch you get hurt.”
- “We love you unconditionally just as you are, and we are on your side all the way. How can we help you?” (Now listen.)
- “We will do anything we can to help you avoid the pain and danger of substance abuse, such as setting more boundaries and consequences if we have to. This also includes considering if a recovery program is what is needed to help protect you.”
- “We aren’t proposing a plan at this point. We want to work together to help you and for you to do your part. What steps are you willing to take to move in a positive direction so the situation gets better rather than worse?” (Now listen.)
- “We believe in you, and you have a very positive future. God designed you, and he has a wonderful plan for you. We are praying for your well-being and safety, and we are also praying that God gives us the wisdom to know how to help you.”
For now, that’s enough of a conversation, but continue to think about proactive intervention in the coming weeks and months.
9. Notice family roles and build a “proactive family plan.”
Each family has its own dynamics based on the people involved. Since substance abuse and related issues affect everyone in the family, that gives each one an opportunity to play a positive role in what is going on. The first step is for each person to become aware of and change behavior that may be contributing negatively to the situation, then take positive steps in the right direction.
Parents should thoughtfully consider the role each person plays in the family and find reasonable ways to encourage each one to contribute positively to the situation. There are often common roles that parents can identify such as:
- Enabling caregiver – A parent who covers up for a teenager or protects them from consequences of their bad choices cripples them from growing up in a healthy manager. They should hold onto their compassion but support enforcement of boundaries.
- Controlling caregiver – A parent who uses anger or overly-harsh discipline to control a teenager frustrates and exasperates them instead. They should hold onto their desire for healthy behavior but focus more on grace, compassion, and forgiveness.
- Hurting sibling – A brother or sister who feels unseen or unwanted because the parents focus all their attention on the teenager getting in trouble should be invited to share their feelings more openly so the parents can care for their needs as well.
- Observing sibling – One who removes themselves or isolates to avoid the tension and conflict in the family should be listened to by the parents and invited to play a more active role, perhaps by becoming an encourager for others in the family.
- Struggling teenager – Rather than asking a teenager dealing with significant personal issues to change everything overnight, they can be encouraged to halt the most dangerous activities and take a few small, simple steps in some key areas.
The parents need to navigate personalities carefully, but each person should be asked to rally around the well-being of the family.
10. Stay as connected to God as you can.
Even if our teenager is not listening to us anymore, God is, and he wants to hear what we have to say. He loves us and our kids, and he is always there for both of us. And when times are tough are when he does his best work, so we always have hope that things will work out in the long run. Our role is to surrender our will and our kids to him, and then do that over and over. We can also model for our kids our trust in God and make sure they know God loves them too, and they can talk to him at any time.
Know that you are not alone if you find yourself saying, “It’s hard to communicate with our kids now that they are teenagers.”
The good news is there are things you can do about it.
Question: What do you feel you should change about how you are communicating with your kids?
Action: Have one pleasant conversation with your teenager today, and then do it again tomorrow.
