Do you remember teaching your kids how to ride a bike? Did you realize you were teaching them about life as well?
When our two boys were growing up in Orlando, we had a flat street in front of our house that became the test track for their new adventure. When the time seemed right to encourage them to take the training wheels off their little bikes, I didn’t realize at first how big a deal that was to a small child. In their world, it was a step that was both exhilarating and frightening, and it took faith and courage for them to learn how to master this new skill.
Our boys knew they could trust me, but it was still hard for them to accept by faith that it would work out if they just kept moving forward. Their first few attempts were proof enough that crashing and skinning their knee was a distinct possibility.
Each time I would let go of the back of their bike, they were forced to unconsciously start dealing with an ongoing series of crisis events (aka “choices”). When their bike would start to fall to one side or the other, they had to learn that a simple adjustment of the handlebars would keep them upright. It finally became fun once they learned the bike would stay balanced if they kept pedaling and adjusting, and they were soon able to let go of their worry and enjoy the ride.
Most people don’t think about it, but there’s physics involved in riding a bike. A spinning wheel creates a gyroscopic effect that keeps the wheel aligned around its axis and moving in the same direction. There are two types of forces—centrifugal and centripetal—that are in balance as the bicycle wheels rotate. When the bike begins to lean to one side or the other, the rider must turn the handlebars to reposition the wheels under the bike’s center of mass to keep it balanced.
Kids don’t have to understand the physics of riding a bike to learn to do it. Which is good, because it turns out nobody really does.
While the basic mechanics of riding a bicycle are understood by scientists, there are some aspects of the physics of cycling that remain mysterious. Quantum physicist Michael Brooks summarizes it this way: “Forget mysterious dark matter and the inexplicable accelerating expansion of the universe; the bicycle represents a far more embarrassing hole in the accomplishments of physics.”
Even with some mystery involved, we can learn how to make wise choices the same way we learned how to ride a bike.
Sometimes, we are called to muster the courage to do something that may be uncomfortable at first. Other times, it is better to keep doing what we’re doing. Both options require faith to trust the process, because there is mystery in how God guides our decisions. Our role is to keep moving in the right direction and maintain our balance by making corrections—choices—as we go.
To make wise choices, we don’t have to understand physics, just focus on what we can control.
“It requires active spiritual work to keep space for God. Why? Our ever-present fears keep trying to fill up every bit of free space with countless thoughts, words, and action that can give us the illusion that after all we are in control.“ (Henri J. M. Nouwen)
A Tool for Making Wise Choices
We learned in the article “3 Secrets and 3 Myths That Will Change Your Life” that there are myths many of us believe that lead us toward stress, fear, and pride when we rely on them to make choices. And we uncovered useful secrets that help us make better decisions that move us toward serenity, courage, and wisdom instead.
We also learned about a practical and powerful tool we can use to find the right balance: the Serenity Prayer.
This prayer helps us discern when to calmly accept a situation and when to muster the courage to take action. It’s a simple system to help us exercise our faith to make wise choices:
- Accept what we can’t change with serenity.
- Change the things we can with courage.
- Find wisdom to know the difference.
These steps challenge the myths we often cling to and help us stay in balance and on track. Because the Serenity Prayer focuses on something most of us find hard to do: realize what we control and what we don’t.
“GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.” (REINHOLD NIEBUHR)
10 Ways to Make Wise Choices
Below are the 3 steps in the Serenity Prayer with a misleading myth and a life-changing secret aligned with each of them. We can use these steps to point us toward 10 ways we can make wise choices:
STEP 1. Accept What We Can’t Change with Serenity.
The Myth: We must control everything in our lives.
The Secret: We can choose serenity and let things go.
Many of us obsess over things we don’t control such as circumstances, people, and outcomes. Our life becomes easier and more pleasant once we let that inaccurate compulsion go.
1 – Accept we don’t control circumstances. Good choices help make our life better, but there are many aspects of our circumstances we can’t change, and we can eliminate many of our worries when we recognize what they are.
Deborah worried all the time, but she told herself that was the price of pursuing excellence at work and in her private life. She felt that by doing everything she could to control what happened around her that she was being a hard worker focused on quality and results. But she spent too much time on tasks that were not important, fought every fire that flared up, and sweated over the details of too many projects. As a result, both her blood pressure and her life grew more and more out of balance.
Next Right Step: Pick one aspect of your daily life you have worried over in the past and try ignoring that area for a week.
2 – Accept we don’t control other people. We all spend a great deal of energy trying to change other people, and our relationships will improve greatly when we give up our fixation on controlling what other people do.
John is a business executive who prides himself on results. He understands the importance of an effective team at work, but he micro-manages his people because he thinks he always knows the best way to get things done. This led to some complaints going to his boss and HR, so he started paying attention to how he led the team. He discovered that when he delegated more and directed less, his team got more done and had better morale and teamwork. His found he became more of a leader by doing less.
Next Right Step: In your next conversation, practice setting aside any agenda for something you want the other person to do.
3 – Accept we don’t control outcomes. Planning is a good thing, and we can improve our life by taking small steps, but our goal should be daily progress rather than perfection because many things outside our control will impact the final outcome.
Dan has changed how he thinks about the future and found a lot more peace in his life. He works on being a good steward of the time and talents he has been given, but he sets aside any obsession about outcomes and simply focuses on making the best choices he can. He still strives to produce good results, but he has more serenity now because he doesn’t worry over what may or may not happen in the future. Whatever the outcome, his objective is to do his part and let the rest go.
Next Right Step: Pick an outcome you have become compulsive about and make a conscious choice to set it aside and let it go.
“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.” (Steve Maraboli)
STEP 2. Change the Things We Can with Courage.
The Myth: It’s okay to do whatever we feel like doing.
The Secret: We can acquire courage to do the right thing.
Courage is taking an action even when it is hard or frightening. Those choices become easier when we recognize they are the right thing to do, and sometimes doing the right thing involves moving out of our comfort zone.
4 – Change the thoughts we encourage. Our thoughts affect our choices, habits, and character, and one of the most powerful disciplines we can develop is managing how we think. This takes practice, but it can be life-changing.
Angela has been tormented by her thoughts for a long time. She felt insecure in high school and found it hard to fit in with other teenagers. Now, even though she is a capable Mom and accountant, she still hears those voices of “less than” and “not good enough” in her head at times. She read about the idea of managing her thoughts, which was a revelation to her. Now, when she hears the negative voices, she repeats Bible verses reflecting God’s positive promises to her until the bad thoughts fade away.
Next Right Step: Think of a negative thought that torments you and find a Bible verses or affirmation statement to counter it.
5 – Change how we make our choices. When we surrender our choices to God, we must be willing to do some things we don’t want to do that may be uncomfortable to us, but living life to the fullest sometimes involves making a change.
When Al faces choices that may lead to disagreements or difficulties, he can sometimes be uncertain and procrastinate or choose the easy way out. Recently, he decided to consciously surrender those tough decisions to God, so he prays about each one and then listens carefully. If he gets the feeling that the tough choice is the one he should take, he sets aside any worries about what might happen because that outcome is not something he can control, and he focuses on doing his part and making the right choice.
Next Right Step: For your next decision, use the Serenity Prayer to mediate on if God wants you to accept or change the situation.
6 – Always take steps we know are right. It becomes easier to make tough choices we are fearful about if we commit to always do the next right thing. In fact, that is all we need to do to hear those words we all want to hear: “Well done!”
Mary had heard of the Serenity Prayer before but had not paid much attention to it. After reading more about it, she saw how powerful and comforting it would be as a tool to help make good choices. Now, she uses it all the time on both small and large decisions. She has found a new level of peace in letting go of many things she used to obsess about. She also has found the strength and courage to make some tough decisions about how to set boundaries for her teenagers as they head into high school.
Next Right Step: Think of a situation you have struggled with where you know in your heart what is right and just do it.
“You only have control over three things in your life – the thoughts you think, the images you visualize, and the actions your take.” (Jack Canfield)
STEP 3. Find Wisdom to Know the Difference.
The Myth: We have to be strong and know all the answers.
The Secret: We can find wisdom when we surrender in faith.
Life gets better when we let go of our compulsion for control, accept with serenity things we can’t change, and move forward with courage on those we can. Discerning which is right can be tough at times, so we need God’s help to make the wisest choices.
7 – Be aware of our tendencies and balance our choices. Most of us tend toward either cautiousness or control, so we should make each choice carefully and not automatically default toward the same approach because, “That’s just how I am.”
Albert is comfortable in his lifestyle. His life is running smoothly, and he likes the predictable routine he has established the last few years. He has plenty of time for television and social media, and he doesn’t have to worry about making a lot of decisions most of the time. But this past Sunday, a friend at church asked Albert if he could help out on a committee that needed someone with his experience. He started to say, “No.” But something made him stop to reconsider if this is something he should do.
Next Right Step: If you normally lean toward control, look for a situation where you should let go and choose serenity. If you lean toward cautiousness, be alert for a situation where you feel that having the courage to take action is the right thing to do.
8 – When all else fails, practice just letting it go. There are many things we all worry about that we simply don’t have to, and we will find them everywhere when we start looking. Make that a daily process to let some things go.
Nancy is good at her job, on top of every project, and in control of everything she does. But she lives with stress as a normal part of her life because she always has lots of things she is worrying about. That’s how it’s always been with her, and she has never realized it doesn’t have to be that way. Recently, the early death of a friend made her stop to think about her priorities in life. She decided to step back from a couple of extra projects and work each day on loosening her clenched fist, relentless grasp on control.
Next Right Step: Pick one thing you are worried about and decide you will let it go with no guilt or worry about what may happen.
9 – Understand there are levels to our surrender. It’s hard to totally surrender our will to God’s will, and sometimes we have to work at it over and over, each time searching for a deeper level of surrender.
Ben’s teenage son had been getting in trouble and struggling with drugs. Ben felt something had to be done, but he was fearful and embarrassed about his son going into a recovery program. He prayed for God to guide him while hoping he wouldn’t have to make that choice. Then it hit him that he had not really surrendered anything at all; he had simply asked God to support what he wanted to do. He started over, humbly praying for God to guide him at a deeper and more honest level than he could remember.
Next Right Step: Pick a tough decision and do your best to empty yourself of your wants and needs and totally turn it over to God.
10 – Listen for wisdom in the ways God “talks” to us. God communicates with us in multiple ways, so we need to pay attention to all of them to hear everything he has to say. God is consistent, so we want to look for when that input supports each other.
Rebecca wants to make wise choices and is willing to take God’s guidance along the way. But sometimes, she finds it hard to hear what God is saying to her. After talking to friends, she realized that God often communicates with us in several ways: through the Bible, what we discern when we pray for guidance, how he orchestrates circumstances, and through input from other wise people. Now, she intentionally uses all those ways to discern God’s voice and looks for when that input supports a specific choice.
Next Right Step: For a choice you need to make, be intentional in using all the ways God communicates to inform your decision.
Do you want to make wise choices?
Do you want that enough to step back from things you have tried to control all your life? And step forward with courage to do some things you are uncomfortable about? Are you willing to call on God to help you make wise choices and trust him with the decision?
The Serenity Prayer provides a simple but profound system to help you make wise choices and change your life for the better.
But there is a choice you need to make one way or the other: “Are you willing to use it?”
“God, grant me the serenity to stop beating myself up for not doing things perfectly, the courage to forgive myself because I’m working on doing better, and the wisdom to know that You already love me just the way I am.” (Eleanor Brownn)
Question: Which of the 10 ways to make wise choices resonates most with you?
Action: Keep a copy of the Serenity Prayer in a visible place so you see it every day.
