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This article is about helping your kids handle the challenges they will face, especially in the teen years. In the United States, more than half of families have someone struggling with substance abuse or mental health issues, so the odds are good it could happen in yours. In these modern times, it pays not to be so naive as to think, “That couldn’t happen in our family.”
If you have a child who is facing challenges, I know how you feel, because I’ve been where you are. One of my sons struggled with substance abuse and other issues for years, and we went through some dark times. But we got through them, and he is doing very well now. Your son or daughter can get through this too, and you can help them along the way.
It’s your choice: “What kind of parent are you going to be?” Will busyness keep you distracted? Naivete or pride blind you to the struggles your kids are facing? Lack of awareness or inability to communicate hamper your parenting? Instead, be proactive so you never have to say, “We didn’t know the situation was so serious, and we waited too late to get help.”
Being a great parent is always a full-time job, but if your teenager is struggling, you may have to work overtime. The good news is there are resources designed just for you. The “PACES for Parents” methodology can help you help your kids, one step at a time. In this article, we will go through each of the five phases of “P-A-C-E-S” to suggest steps for you to consider:
Preparation: Be Proactive with Goals and Boundaries
1. Commit to taking a calm and balanced approach – There will be difficult feelings and conflict at times, but you need to work hard to stay calm and balanced. Choose to let many of the small things go when there’s a lot going on, because it’s not worth it to argue about less-important differences. But some things are worth drawing a line in the sand. Like obeying the law and being safe with a car. Expecting honesty and respect. And no drugs, under any circumstances.
Balance also includes not enabling wrong behaviors, which is what you do if you cover up for them, fix all their problems, or protect them from their bad decisions. You’re not helping them when you do that; you’re crippling their development. Keep a copy of the Serenity Prayer handy to help you pray through situations to decide when to accept things you cannot change and when to muster the courage to change the things you can.
2. Continue to encourage positive goals for them – When one of your kids is struggling, it’s easy to get pulled into the difficulties of the situation so that you lose your focus on other positive aspects of what’s going on in the family. Instead, keep encouraging them and planning family activities as best you can. Continue having light, fun conversations about whatever topics they are interested in. Show that you are interested in their lives and their current and future happiness.
Remain optimistic about their future, even if you are worried about their current direction. If they are struggling, they may need to lean on your faith in them for a while if they have lost faith in themselves. Be sincere and real in complimenting their strengths and envisioning a positive future for them. They may not act like they are paying attention but keep reminding them they have a lot to look forward to and that life is, indeed, good.
3. Establish boundaries with clear consequences – Make it clear to your teenager that they are responsible for their choices, and for the consequences of those choices. When they cross over a boundary, be calm and strong rather than reacting in anger. Let them see that you are simply following through on the boundaries that were discussed before, and that it was their choice to do what they did that brought on those consequences.
Your goal is to help your son or daughter grow up in a healthy manner, not to be punitive or win a contest. You are preparing them for real life and future happiness by helping them learn how to live in a mature manner. If they keep disregarding some boundaries, remind them it is their choices that are bringing on the consequences. Shielding them from negative outcomes of their bad decisions is enabling, and that will not help them learn to live life effectively.
Awareness: Stay in Tune with What’s Really Going On
1. Watch and manage your feelings – When someone you love is making choices that are destructive for them or harming the family, it may feel like insanity. Your teenager may act like a different person at times. You may find that your world starts to revolve around them, and your feelings and well-being are driven by their latest behavior. You need to try to move beyond that. Lean on your faith, watch your emotions, and keep working on not letting your feelings take over.
It may require an act of your will to stay calm even when that is not what you are feeling. But a teenager who is wandering needs a north star to help them find their direction. Try not to become obsessive about the situation; that won’t help them, and it will harm you. If you have made mistakes in the past, know that: “You didn’t cause their problem, you can’t control it, and you can’t change them.” Do your best and trust God with the rest.
2. Help your kids become more aware – You need to be vigilant, but rather than mercilessly interrogating them on what they are doing, ask them about how schoolmates and friends are doing. Speak generally rather than zeroing in on them all the time. Ask them open-ended, hypothetical questions to see how they feel about things. When they do decide to talk about themselves, force yourself to withhold judgement so they will feel safe enough to share more with you.
Your objective is to be a safe place where they can talk about real situations and feelings. This process can help them learn to “self-diagnose” their own situation rather than you always telling them what the answer should be. Generally, if put in the right environment, people can figure out what they are doing wrong, so gently help them learn to think about and better understand themselves and the situations they are facing and explore positive steps they can take.
3. Be on alert for harmful behaviors – When you are a parent, part of your role in helping your kids grow up safely and happily includes helping protect them from harm. To do this well, you need to know what is really going on with them. The more evidence you see of bad choices they are making, the more intentionally you need to work on staying alert. If you feel deep inside that something harmful is going on, the odds are good that you may be right.
Be clear with them that because you love them so much and want what is best for them, it is part of your role to understand what’s going on in their world. Try to position it with them that you are “on their side” even though they may not like the additional scrutiny. Ideally, over time, they will see that you are not trying to control them or keep them from making their own choices, you are simply trying to help them learn to make good ones because you care about them.
Connection: Focus on Offering Empathy and Support
1. Concentrate on listening and empathy – Your goal is to connect with what is going on in their world, which is likely different than the world you grew up in. They are not experiencing life or thinking about things the same way you are since you are an adult, so work hard to see things through their eyes. They are doing what they are doing for a reason, so search for why your son or daughter is making the choices they are making.
As much as you can, listen to them rather than talking too much. When you feel that urge to scold, teach, or lecture them, make yourself listen some more. When you talk, be real and try not to preach. Remember that your tone and expression sometimes matter as much as the words you say. Focus on connecting with them, not on continually lecturing or berating them for their behavior. Let them see you are sincerely interested in them as a person and in their well-being.
2. Show unconditional love, no matter what – One thing your kids should be totally sure about is that you love them unconditionally, not just when they do what you tell them to do. Express love to them even if you don’t think they may be receiving it, and even if you don’t feel like sharing it at the moment. Be consistent in your love. Read the article “What Every Teenager Needs to Hear” and plan conversations over time so they hear those messages.
Even when you are enforcing boundaries, you can still tell them you love them. They may ignore you or get angry. They may tell you they hate you. All of that is beyond your control. What is within your control is how you act toward them. No matter how far astray they may seem to be, they need to know you love them and are proud of them just as they are. That will also help them accept that they have a loving God who feels the same way about them.
3. Help them improve connection with others – Especially if they are struggling, help your kids find positive people they can connect with. This could be friends who set a good example, encouraging relatives, other adults who are willing to act as mentors, counselors they learn to feel comfortable with, understanding youth pastors, or a peer group of kids dealing with similar issues. Don’t try to do it alone; work with them to find people they trust enough to talk to.
If you know that your teenager is drinking dangerously, using drugs, facing serious mental health issues, or contemplating the idea of suicide, you need to work with them to get help as soon as possible. Professional counselors or a pastor may be able to reach them in ways that you can’t simply because they are not in the parenting role. Your kids need positive people in their life, and it may take a few tries to find connections that work, so keep trying.
Education: Take the Time for Some Thoughtful Learning
1. Help them learn wellness-based life skills – There may be a tendency to keep zeroing in on bad choices your teenager is making or the negative aspects of their struggles. Instead, initiate some positive discussions about their overall well-being. Talk about the fact that there are practical life skills any of us can learn to improve our mental, emotional, social, spiritual, and personal wellness, and all of us can take positive steps in those areas.
Help your son or daughter take on more responsibility for their own wellness. Ask them questions about how they are doing across the five areas of well-being mentioned above and what ideas they have for steps they could take to improve their lives. Read the series of five articles starting with “How Young People Stay Happy and Healthy with Preparation for the Teenage Years” and have conversations to encourage them to take intentional steps toward wellness.
2. Talk to them on making choices and coping – Seek to have nonjudgmental talks with your teenager about the types of situations and temptations kids their age face and what good choices would be at those times. Help them anticipate choices that could lead to negative outcomes in their life. Ideally, you would like them to convince themselves not to go down those roads, but you at least want to help them be prepared to avoid the worst risks.
Talk to them about coping skills for dealing with emotions, managing their thoughts, and making good choices. One simple technique is to teach them these three steps: “Pause, Evaluate, Choose.” Whenever they feel tempted or need to make a choice, they can: (a) Pause to step back from the situation for a moment rather than react impulsively; (b) Evaluate the consequences of the possible choices they could make; and (c) Choose thoughtfully the next right step to take.
3. Use parenting resources for hard situations – Parenting is one of the most rewarding—but challenging—journeys in life. If one of your kids is struggling, you could feel frustrated and confused, wondering what to do. The teenage years bring a new set of changes, risks, and dangers. Without the right resources and tools, it’s easy to feel discouraged, uncertain, or overwhelmed, and those feelings can lead to indecision, insecurities, and fear.
But there’s good news, because there are resources and education that will help you know what to do so you don’t travel that road alone. STEPS provides proven and simple strategies to help you strengthen your family, improve communication, and guide your children with confidence. With just one click to the STEPS Proactive Parenting page, you can find lots of easy-to-use resources that will help you take positive steps forward, one at a time.
Steps: Create a Plan and Keep Taking Positive Steps
1. Encourage them in their choice of activities – All the time, do what you can to help your kids engage in positive activities. Encourage their involvement in things they like to do that will keep them busy, give them a sense of accomplishment, and help them associate with positive friends and mentors. The more time they spend engaged in constructive and safe situations, the less time they have for risky options, social media, or dwelling on their problems.
But if teens are struggling with mental health issues or making bad choices with substances, parents also need to think defensively. That may include identifying risky situations that you should talk to your kids about. If they participate in any activities that may present negative influences or temptations, talk to them in advance. Ask what they should do if they find themselves in a risky situation. And in all cases, be very clear on boundaries and consequences.
2. Document a family plan and review it often – Many people build plans at work, for their finances, and even for vacations. But do they have a plan for their family? Parents should seek to be balanced, relational, thoughtful, and intentional in how they manage the family, and that includes having a plan in place. The plan should include positive goals that may call for preparation or take time to implement, and being proactive can make a big difference for your kids.
The plan should lay out the attributes parents want to encourage in their kids. STEPS has built education called “Real Life Skills for Teens” that helps young people learn how to live effectively to enhance their emotional, mental, social, spiritual, and personal well-being and prevent behavioral health problems. Parents need to anticipate the risks of the teenage years so they can prepare their kids to navigate those five areas of wellness and grow up safely and happily.
3. Take daily positive steps in the right direction – Having a plan is important, but only if we actually take the steps we have decided upon. Parents should review their plan at least every quarter and identify those things they want to focus on for the next few months. During these years, some of your other activities may need to be put on a back burner to preserve the time and energy to take care of perhaps your most important role: being a parent.
By thoughtfully going through this article to prioritize the activities appropriate for your family, you can build a family plan relatively quickly to get started. If you have kids in the pre-teen or teenage years, it is even more important to have a good plan in place. This will give you confidence in the decisions you make, and it will pay off for your family in the long run. You will sleep better at night knowing that you are doing the best job you can do.
Helping Your Kids When They’re Struggling
If your child is struggling, the future may seem dark. It doesn’t have to be. You and your son or daughter are on a journey. The detour you are experiencing may be rough, but it could be the route you are supposed to be on. If your teen is using substances or has a mental health issue, you may feel this is the worst time of your lives. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Someday, you may look back and see that everything happened for a reason. Your son or daughter may become the person they were meant to be, not in spite of their troubles, but because of them! You may see that the tough times changed you as well, perhaps bringing you closer to God or helping you find a resilience and serenity that improve the rest of your life.
There will come a day when you realize that strength comes from struggle, faith is born out of doubt, and love becomes deeper when tested. For now, your job is to do what you can in the most important parenting areas: Preparation, Awareness, Connection, Education, and Steps. All you can do is your best, and that’s what makes a great parent. So, do your best!
