A while back, there was period of a few weeks when I kept seeing a number of men I knew commenting on social media about the same article. What was it that had grabbed their attention? It was a Boston Globe story titled:
“The biggest threat facing middle-age men isn’t smoking or obesity. It’s loneliness.”
Why would that subject have struck a chord with them?
Because, when you get down to it, lots of men don’t have many close friends. They may be around people all the time. At work, they talk with others a great deal. But they have few deep relationships, and it takes a while before they notice how much is missing from their lives.
But that’s just other people, right? You might want to think about that. Recently, a group of college friends and I started getting together every few months and—nice surprise—talking about real things. A common denominator was the lack of many other deep relationships.
“Almost to a man, the men were so caught up in working, building their careers and being more involved with their children than their own fathers had been, something had to give. And what gave was connection with male friends. Their lives just didn’t allow time for friendships.” (Drs. Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz)
Could that be you? Answer these questions to evaluate if you could use more close friends:
- If you were suddenly gone for a month, would anyone beyond family or coworkers notice?
- Recently, have you had any conversations with other men that did not have an agenda?
- With what friends can you share a personal issue, confess a fault, or express emotion?
- How many friends do you have that you can totally trust and completely be yourself with?
- This week, do you have any events on your calendar that involve sharing with other men?
“The pursuit of status, power, wealth, and autonomy leads to rewards in work and play but at the expense of loving, caring friendships.” (Lonely at the Top: The High Cost of Men’s Success by Thomas Joiner)
How to Have More Friends
People are designed for meaningful relationships, and most women do that somewhat naturally. The first step for men is to become aware something significant is missing if we don’t have close friends in our lives. But, some guys may not know how to have more friends.
What can a guy do?
Be willing to go deeper.
Another time, I was in a weekly group with other men. Each week, we talked about normal guy things, and I started noticing something. Other than work, hobbies, sports, and “what my kids did,” what do most men talk about? After a while, the answer came to me: nothing!
Men often relate to each other at a superficial level much of the time and don’t even notice it. They have little experience sharing emotions or being vulnerable, certainly with other men. It’s more familiar staying in the guy talk comfort zone they have hung out in all their lives.
But to have real friends, you need to be, well, real. Begin taking steps. Start talking about deeper subjects with other men, such as your hopes and dreams for the future. Practice being more transparent, even vulnerable, with the issues and problems you are facing.
Be intentional investing in relationships.
Many men are good at planning, deciding what’s important and putting a plan and schedule in place to achieve those objectives. Except when it comes to personal things such as relationships. If that need even enters our minds, we tend to put off doing anything about it.
But friendships take time to develop, and many men are busy. One of the best things guys can do is to schedule a recurring activity with one or more guys so relationships can develop naturally. If you want to have more friends, put it on the calendar!
You can also lay out a plan for relationships you will commit to invest in. Think of acquaintances you might want to become friends, and a smaller set you could develop into close friends. Then, over time, take steps to do something about it.
Learn to give more than you take.
One simple principle can totally change how we experience relationships: listen more than you talk. Many of us can hardly wait until the person we’re talking to pauses to jump into our story. Instead, practice empathy in your relationships. Do things to help other men even when they are inconvenient. Commit the emotional energy to be there for other guys when they have something going on in their lives.
As an adult, I moved about every 5 years, leaving most relationships behind. Our sons are grown, so I don’t have their sports to connect to other guys anymore. I work from home, and I’m an introvert. It will take effort to have close relationships for the next season of my life.
Studies have highlighted that “not investing in friends” is one of the biggest regrets people feel as they get older, especially men. I don’t want that to true for my life as I get older. Now that I have recognized that as important, it’s up to me to do something about it.
Question: How many close friends do you have now, and is that how many you would like to have over the rest of your life?
Action: To learn about one of our most basic values—community—read the series starting with “We All Yearn for Community.”
