Breaking the CHAINS that Hold Us Prisoner (Part 2)

All of Us Can Help Others

You are surrounded by hurting people.

One of the most wide-spread and deadliest diseases in the world—addiction—is not only treatable, it is also preventable! Tens of millions of people have successfully recovered, and there are proven steps people can take to avoid the progression of the disease.

You know people who are suffering, and there are things you can do to help them. You can’t control them, and you can’t cure them, but even one conversation with them could make a positive difference.

Are you willing?

Addiction comes with self-absorption and fixation, compulsive habits, and problems we repeat over and over, which creates negative consequences that lead us to being overwhelmed by all our issues. And that is the best case of what addiction does, because it also destroys lives and families and kills people.

Next Right STEPS lead to making good choices, serenity rather than stress, self-aware coping, and taking small positive steps that lead to continuous, ongoing progress and improvement in life. When pursued as an ongoing lifestyle, they can lead anyone toward more peace, joy, and purpose.

Who wouldn’t want that?

You don’t have to be an expert on addiction or mental health issues. You don’t have responsibility for someone else’s actions. But what if one conversation could make a difference? What if an article, eBook, or book could influence them? Doing nothing is a decision. Become more conscious about what you decide to do, or not do, to help the hurting people around you.

But how can you help someone you know who is hurting? It’s not as hard as you may think. You do it simply by choosing to BE there: BE aware (of what is going on with them); BE available (coffee, lunch, or hanging out); BE empathetic (listen to understand their world); BE helpful (focus on being encouraging); BE vulnerable (share something going on with you); and BE trustworthy (keep it confidential).

Will you be there for them?

You are not responsible for fixing anyone. But being knowledgeable about ways in which people can live life better can be helpful. Use the material in the STEPS “Tool Kit for Real Life” and especially the Helping Others content under Addiction Prevention. Be aware that you can also have a virtual conversation with people merely by forwarding an email with a blog article or sharing a social media post.

Most people you know probably act like they have everything all together. When you ask them how they are doing, they always say, “Fine.” But, too many times, that is simply not the case.

What are you going to do about it?

Why We Do What We Do

To help break any CHAINS holding you or someone you know captive, it helps to know how CHAINS work. One of the most important things to know is this: “People do what they do for a reason.”

I was a good kid growing up, but I started drinking as a sophomore in high school. It had nothing to do with rebellion, bad parenting, or dealing with deep issues such as depression or anxiety. I went on to become valedictorian of my high school and President of the Honor Society. But why did I start drinking?

Because I discovered that it made me feel the way I wanted to feel.   

In the tenth grade, I went on a trip to Europe with a church youth group. This was with kids from another high school than the one I attended, so I started going to their Sunday night meetings before the trip to try to get to know some of them. Things worked out fine in terms of becoming friends with some of the girls, but less so with the guys. They were mostly from the “cool crowd” in the other school, and many of them were from affluent families, football players, or popular for some other reason.  

I was comfortable in the “good at school” role, but I wanted to be in the “cool crowd.” The way I wanted to feel was: “cool, calm, and connected.” Too often, though, I felt: “self-conscious, awkward, and insecure.”

Early in the trip, we were staying in a quaint inn in England that had a lounge that served alcohol. I went downstairs one evening and was somewhat shocked to see the “cool guys” having a beer in the lounge. I don’t remember if I had any inner turmoil—probably not—as I decided I would have a beer too. Even though I didn’t like the taste, I noticed something: it made me feel the way I wanted to feel!

Flash forward 35 years to when my older son was 14. He was on a trip with friends, and the boys were daring each other to try to buy some alcohol. My son was never one to turn down a dare, so he went into a store and came out with a bottle of liquor. He and his friends sat on a beach and drank it. Years later, when he was telling me that story, he recalled how he felt after having his first drink of alcohol.

What he told me was, “It made me feel the way I wanted to feel.”

For my son, that night was a big step into a decade-long struggle with alcohol and drugs. We tried every form of support, therapy, and recovery we could find along the way. Eventually, he was scheduled to go into a year-long residential recovery program. The first day, they scheduled an introduction meeting for people entering the program as well as their parents or significant others. Right away, the two groups were separated, so my wife and I found ourselves in a room with many other people who were dropping off someone they loved for what was going to be a very long, sometimes traumatic, stay in recovery.

In our meeting, the speaker jumped right into it. He asked the crowd, “How many of you are excited about the person in the other room curing their addiction problem?” Practically everyone in the room raised their hand. He went on to say, “Well, that’s not what they’re talking about in the other room. Because for all of those good people, alcohol or drugs are not the problem. They’re the solution.”

Acquiring a Deeper Understanding

People do what they do for a reason.

We’re bored, so we eat or stare blankly at television. We want a thrill, and we spend money or gamble. We feel insecure, so we strive for attention, or we feel a lack of purpose, and we work too much. When we’re tired, we use caffeine. If we’re jittery, we smoke. When we feel stress, we drink, and when we’re sad or anxious, we take a pill. And when we feel hopeless, we do more and more of the above.

Because, life happens, and sometimes something less-than-ideal things happen to us. A negative thought pattern mysteriously kicks off in our mind, and what is called “stinkin thinkin” in recovery sets in. Perhaps we allow feelings of entitlement or worry to take hold. We tell ourselves that we’re a victim who deserves to feel better than this, and the cycles of negative self-talk continue.

Somewhere along the way, we remember that favorite behavior or habit that we’ve used in the past to feel better for a while. It could be comfort eating, numbing ourselves with the internet, having a drink or a cigarette, or using one of our prescription pills to take the pain away and feel good rather than bad.

And it works! We DO feel better, at least for a while. Therefore, when negative feelings or self-talk return, we more quickly revert to our substance-or-behavior-of-choice to numb ourselves. We don’t realize it, but each time we take that action, we re-wire the circuitry of our brain and teach our mind to release dopamine-on-demand. We literally train our brain around our compulsive habit.

But we repeatedly shove aside any ideas that pop into our head that we have developed an addiction, even though we have done just that. And we ignore the fact that our selected way of handling the ups and downs of life has become an idol, something we turn to in order to deal with life other than God.

Over time, we choose to allow ourselves to become a prisoner to these repeated emotional behaviors which are now holding us back from peace, joy, and purpose. We find ourselves in CHAINS.

That progression leads us to a place where hurting and trying-to-feel better become a relentless cycle we go through, over and over and over. Too often, we find ourselves feeling:

• Hopeless – Life loses its meaning as we remain fixated on control rather than surrendering to serenity, and a period of unfulfilling spirituality is marked by either routine or religiosity.
• Ashamed – Our identity is marred by insecurity, but we fool others with a pleasant façade. Negative thoughts run wild, so we use our favorite addiction to feel better for a while, until it makes us feel worse. We know we’re making mistakes but, even worse, we begin to feel that we are a mistake.
• Lonely – We notice that community and connection have lessened in our lives. Our relationships remain shallow, and we avoid being real or vulnerable with anyone. Although we may remain active, we stop having quality time with others and become isolated emotionally or literally.
• Anxious – We begin to feel we have little to contribute to the world. We may still be consumed by work, busy-ness, or a fixation on outcomes such as money, status, or achievement, but inside we recognize that we don’t feel fulfilled by much of anything anymore. Which amplifies our addiction.
• Discouraged – We find it hard to identify a deeper purpose for our life, one that is bigger than us. Something seems lacking, and feelings of aimlessness and emptiness become too common.  

I’ve been there. Maybe you have too. For sure, there are people you know who have been there, or who may be there now. The good news is that there are things you and they can do about it.

Now that you have a deeper understanding of what CHAINS are like, you are more empowered to do something about them. That means with you, and also with the people you care about.

Question: Do you see yourself in the descriptions for “Acquiring a Deeper Understanding?”

Next Right Step: Make sure that you read all 3 parts of this article on breaking CHAINS.