What Kind of Parent Are You?

What kind of parent are you?

That’s a critical question for anyone who takes care of children, teenagers, or young adults still at home or in college. The problem is many of us aren’t totally clear what kind of parent we are—because we haven’t thought much about it!

That confusion started early for my wife and me. The birth of our first son was incredibly exciting, and after two short days it was time to take him home. We carried him into the house and set his baby carrier on the living room floor. Then, we stared at each other with the same thought: “Now, what do we do?” Little did we know the confusion would continue, with ups and downs, for the next 25 years.

Do you want to be a great parent?

For most moms and dads that’s an emphatic, “Yes!” Because there are many reasons we want to be the best parent we can be. It’s helpful, though, to think more specifically about why we want to be a good parent so we can use those insights to guide our priorities accordingly.

Why do you want to be a great parent for your kids?

• To protect them from harm – Every parent wants their kids to be safe and healthy and prevent problems from harming them.
• So they can have happy lives – We all want our kids to thrive which makes us willing to do things to enhance their well-being.
• I want our family to be happy – Does anyone not want their family to feel peace, relationship, and love? No, we all want that too.
• To do the best I can for my kids – Moms and dads want to be seen as good parents, and they love their kids enough to do their best.
• Because it’s my responsibility – God wants us to be a good steward of our role as parents, and our kids are a legacy we leave behind.

All great reasons, which takes us to a more pointed version of the last question: “Why do YOU want to be a great parent?” Once you add up all the reasons for why you should put more focus on raising your kids well, you can turn your attention to WHAT kind of parent you are.

Learning About Different Kinds of Parents

What kind of parent are you? Are you a bad parent (hint: you’re not) or a perfect parent (hint: you’re not that either)?

Someone who’s a bad parent could be self-absorbed or cruel enough to not care deeply about the well-being of their kids. They may be abusive emotionally or physically. Or they allow their own destructive habits to endanger their children. Or maybe they’ve left, and they’re not there at all. But that’s not you, because you’re reading this article right now. You’re not a bad parent, and you want to be a better one.

You’re not a perfect parent either, because none of us are. Let go of any guilt or shame you carry because you are less-than-perfect. You’re normal. The good news is your kids don’t need you to be perfect. In fact, your weaknesses may fuel your desire to improve, making you a better parent than you would be otherwise. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect either. He created you—all of us—and he knows better.

Since you’re not a bad or perfect parent, what kind of parent are you?

Maybe you’re a harmful parent who loves their kids but does things without thinking that actually lessen their children’s well-being. Helen and Harry are Harmful Parents, and they don’t even know it. Out of her love for her kids, Helen enables them, which cripples their ability to learn to live effectively on their own. Harry is controlling, and he forces his lectures and sermons into situations where they often backfire.

You could be a reactive parent who is busy or distracted much of the time. Rachel and Robert are Reactive Parents. Rachel tends to respond emotionally to situations “in the heat of the moment” versus anticipating issues and pausing to be thoughtful with her parenting choices. Robert is busy at work and doesn’t invest enough quantity time with his kids to experience much quality time with them.

Or maybe you’re a proactive parent who is more intentional and thoughtful in your approach. Paula and Patrick are Proactive Parents. They each have their own style, but they work together to take a balanced approach with their kids. They understand the importance of their role and invest time to parent their kids effectively. They anticipate issues and challenges their kids may face in the future.

I actually know which of those last three parenting types you are: all of them! We all do things at times that could be harmful to our kids, but hopefully we learn from our mistakes. We all react emotionally to situations and need to consciously avoid making rash choices. Our goal is to be a proactive parent as much of the time as we can and include God in every aspect of our parenting and family life.

Your role is to keep taking next right steps one at a time. Then rest well at night knowing you are doing the best you can.

Next Right Steps: Think of 1 step you can take to be more proactive and read Part 2 of this 2-part series on “What Kind of Parent Are You?”