No parent likes to see their kids struggle. The good news is there are things we can do to help them.
Parenting is hard, and it’s harder when our kids are getting into trouble. But too often, we procrastinate on tough issues like substance abuse. We need to realize doing nothing is a decision, a choice we sometimes make without even thinking about it.
If one of your kids is struggling, don’t do nothing.
It’s understandable if you don’t know what to do. The good news is you can learn, and there are 10 things you can learn to do in this article. So you never have to say, “We didn’t know what to do to help our kids when they were struggling.”
It’s a choice parents make whether they realize it or not: “Will we be part of the problem by doing nothing or part of the solution?”
You Can Help with Prevention and Precovery
A parent’s role includes equipping our kids to deal with issues and situations they will face. This behavior helps prevent problems such as addiction as well. When we focus on prevention, we keep them from having to struggle in the first place.
But sometimes bad things happen anyway.
When our older son was in his early teens, I was already in recovery for my own issues with alcohol. Which meant I knew about the dangers of substances, and I was well aware the principles of recovery help with both prevention of addiction and living life the way it was designed to be lived. Yet things still went wrong.
I didn’t know as much about prevention and precovery then as I do now. But I knew almost everyone who winds up with an addiction problem starts before age 18, and 90% of them don’t get help. I didn’t want my son to be one of those. So we tried lots of parenting techniques: some worked, some not so much, and others we may never know. But he’s alive. And he’s thriving. And he’s better off for what he went through because of what he learned. And for all that, I am enormously grateful.
But if your son or daughter is struggling, it is no longer “business as usual.” Things have changed, so you have to change too. You need to have a sense of urgency, and you need to rearrange your life to have the margin to focus on the well-being of your family.
In the article “What Do You Do When You Can’t Talk to Your Teenagers?” we introduced the concept of a “Proactive Intervention” as a deliberate conversation you have with one of your kids who is heading in a dangerous direction. If you have had a conversation like that and you try the prevention concepts below and your teenager is still struggling, it will be time to take the next right step which is to build a “Proactive Precovery Plan.” But what is that?
It is a plan you implement to take a more specific, urgent, and tactical approach to helping protect your teenager from the danger they are heading toward. To reverse the downward trajectory they are on and help them return to a healthy, safe lifestyle where they are consistently making good choices rather than dangerous ones.
Below are 10 things you can do to help your kids when they are struggling and build a Proactive Precovery Plan.
See this list as a “Tool Kit” of tips and techniques you can choose from to fit your family situation. Pick a few ideas or even just one, but commit to take at least one next right step. Then take the next one, and the next.
So you never have to say, “We didn’t know what to do to help them when they were struggling.”
“Today, enormous efforts are being expended to accelerate precovery processes for cancer, heart disease, diabetes, asthma, and other chronic disorders. Isn’t it time we did the same for addiction?” (William L. White)
Increase Your Focus on Prevention
Why should parents wait until someone they love is deeply hurting before doing something about it? We shouldn’t, and there are things we can do to help prevent our kids from moving deeper into the pain and danger they may be experiencing.
1. Be Proactive and Focus on Prevention
If our kids are struggling, it’s our job to do anything we can to help them, and the sooner we start, the more effective we can be. That means we should be proactive. The good news is parents can make a difference, and research shows parents are the biggest influence on their kids’ decisions on things like drinking alcohol. Our role is to take the next right step, and the one after that.
Almost 300 years ago, Benjamin Franklin recognized, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Why don’t parents recognize that now? Because the earlier we start helping our kids deal with their issues, the more good we can do. Doing nothing is a decision, sometimes a costly one, and our kids’ well-being—sometimes their lives—may depend on what we do.
2. Equip Your Kids to Manage Their Life
Teenagers have personal needs, temptations, and risky situations to deal with, and we can help our kids be ready for them. One of the best things we can do is to have conversations with them about situations before they happen. It can be as simple as asking them about what they are struggling with and encouraging them to think of positive steps they might want to take.
We can also suggest things they could do in those situations and ask which they think would work best for them. One idea is to teach them to use their mind to manage situations: (1) Pause (step back from the situation); (2) Evaluate (think about what they should do); and (3) Choose (make a conscious decision rather than reacting impulsively). We can also have conversations about risks they will face such as driving under the influence or the widespread danger of drugs laced with deadly fentanyl.
3. Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes
In the Education section of the PACES for Parents online learning center is a video on “10 Mistakes Parents Make and How Not To.” It shows how we can help our kids develop in a way that will protect them from issues such as substance abuse and help them lead a happier, more effective life. This simple material helps parents understand why kids do what they do and how parents can help.
Because all of us, including our kids, do what we do for a reason. And there are certain behaviors parents want to discourage rather than unknowingly encourage which are: entitlement, worry, pride, lack of self-awareness, resentment, isolation, impulsivity, stress, insecurity, and depression. All of which are root cause issues that can lead to problems for them as they grow older.
4. Get More Education on What to Do
Hopefully, proactive parents embrace the challenge to raise healthy kids and prevent issues before they happen. One way to do that is to: “Equip your kids to deal with life situations they will face,” and that is what the Education section of PACES for Parents is all about. That way, parents can avoid ever having to say, “We didn’t know what to do to help them when they were struggling.”
If we have a teenager now who is struggling with substances or related issues and we don’t know what to do, the solution is the same: go through the material in the Education section of PACES for Parents. There we learn about how to deal with teens who are experimenting with drugs and how to be a great parent even when our kids are struggling. Are your kids worth the time?
5. Get Input from Others on What to Do
One of the tragic aspects about the millions of people who struggle with substance use or mental health issues is that the vast majority of them don’t get help. It’s the same for parents of kids who struggle. Don’t be one of those people, and don’t let your son or daughter be one either. Get some help! Not “when you have time” or “if things get worse.” Now.
The good news is there is always someone we can talk to who can help. No matter what our kids or we are going through, God is there for us, and he does his best work in our toughest times. We can pray for guidance and draw on the only supernatural source of help available in the universe. There is nothing else we can do that is as powerful as this one critical step.
One of the best investments we can make in the well-being of our kids is to be proactive and prevent issues before they get worse.
Build a “Proactive Precovery Plan”
If we have a teenager who is heading in a frightening direction, we’ve tried the prevention activities above, and we still don’t know what to do to help, we should document and engage in a “Proactive Precovery Plan.” This should be a written plan that is thoughtfully created by taking into account the specifics of our kid’s situation, needs and issues, and personality.
6. Set and Maintain Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are pre-set rules with consequences. They are good for teenagers and absolutely necessary when they’re making bad choices. Boundaries set expectations, help them handle temptations and risky situations, and lead them in a healthy direction. Our kids may act like they don’t like them, and it’s not critical they do, but they should confirm they understand them when given.
Good boundaries are: (a) clear and precise; (b) fair with consequences in line with the behavior; (c) managed calmly and with love; and (d) applied consistently. Here’s an example: “If you’re not home by 10:00, you lose the rights to go out for a week.” Consequences should escalate over time if our kids continue to break the rules and show disregard for their behavior.
Good boundaries take much of the emotion out of the discipline process. In effect, the teenager is given responsibility to manage their activity. If they overstep a boundary, they should see it was their choice to bring the consequences on themselves. Boundaries are one of the best ways parents can equip their kids to deal with issues and situations they will face and prepare them for life.
7. Don’t Enable and Cripple Your Kids
Enabling is when we support negative behavior or rescue our kids so they don’t experience the painful consequences of their bad choices. It is one of the most common—and harmful—mistakes parents can make, and it cripples our kids rather than helps them. Parents may do it out of an ill-founded sense of love for their kids, but they are hurting their growth process instead.
Examples of what not to do include: (a) letting them use the car if they have shown unsafe behavior; (b) giving them money when we don’t know how they’re spending it; (c) allowing them to act in a way that hurts another family member; (d) protecting them when they make bad decisions; (e) covering up for them; and (f) lessening consequences because they complain or we feel guilty.
Parents must realize that by lessening the short-term pain of consequences, we are teaching our kids that rules, responsibility, and character don’t matter. Even worse, we are keeping them from growing up, and we may be inadvertently leading them toward bigger mistakes in the future. Mistakes that may hurt them a lot more than being grounded or losing their cell phone for a while.
8. Equip Them to Identify Their “WHY”
People need a reason to change their behavior. They must want to change, and this goes for teenagers and adults. We can help our kids make good choices by coaching them through a process to help them identify the pain and benefits of their decisions.
We can help them understand the pain of bad choices by: (a) “counting the cost” and listing negative results to them and others; (b) “playing the tape forward” by visualizing longer-term outcomes they may not think of otherwise; and (c) educating them on the emotional and physical effects of substance abuse and the spiritual and social impacts of selfish, low-character choices.
We can help them appreciate the benefits of good choices by: (a) encouraging their dreams of a wonderful future enabled by their healthy decisions; (b) writing down all the positive outcomes of good choices; and (c) sharing God’s forgiveness and promises of a good future that will hopefully inspire them to want to make good choices out of gratitude for God’s grace.
9. Teach Them How to Prevent Addiction
Addictions are behaviors with negative consequences we repeat over and over and find hard to stop. They slowly worsen over time without us noticing the increasing harmful effects and the associated rewiring of our brain. Addictions become a disease that can bring us great harm and even death. For parents, that sounds like something we should do our best to prevent.
In the STEPS article titled “How to Prevent Addiction (Part 2),” there is a description of the journey toward addiction showing 10 stages someone may pass through along the way. Understanding those stages can be powerful because that knowledge gives us 10 opportunities to become more aware of what is going on and make a healthy choice to go a different way.
Even if our kids do not see themselves in danger of addiction, they will identify with at least the early stages of this journey. It’s worth the time for parents to educate their kids on this gradual descent into unhealthy decision-making. It will help them understand things their friends may be going through and how human behavior works. And it might save their life.
10. Help Them Become Willing to Try Precovery
During a time when I, my wife, and our son were dealing with addiction issues and engaged in recovery, I came to an epiphany: “Why don’t we teach the life-transforming principles of recovery to everybody earlier so they live life better and prevent addiction from happening in the first place?” That led to my first book STEPS: A Daily Journey to a Better Life.
Later, after founding STEPS Ministries, we built the PACES for Parents online learning center for parents of pre-teens and teenagers. The word “PACES” is an acronym, and below I will use that structure to convey a simple version of a precovery methodology parents can talk to their kids about. Often, the most profound, life-changing wisdom is simple and familiar:
- Preparation – Understand our “WHY” so we change and become willing to be open to God to model that behavior for our kids.
- Awareness – Help them take a personal Inventory of their behaviors and needs and become willing to humbly face their issues.
- Connection – Encourage them to accept Accountability and become willing to be honest with other people, starting with us.
- Education – Teach them to aim at daily Progress rather than perfection and become willing to focus on making good choices.
- Steps – Commit to being more Intentional and become willing to have a plan for how they can keep taking positive steps.
I hope this article encourages you to equip your kids to deal with issues and situations they face so you never say, “We didn’t know what to do to help them when they were struggling.” Because parenting is hard, especially with teenagers.
But now you know what to do.
“Precovery involves several simultaneous processes. If there is a conceptual breakthrough of note in the addiction field in recent years, it is that such processes can be strategically stimulated and accelerated.” (William L. White)
Question: Which of the 10 items above is the one you feel you should work on first?
Action: Think of at least one next right step you can take to get started in that area.
